Analyse This

This Girl I Knew

2011-10-23T13:57:00.002+05:30

I am looking for a bit of myself
The One that got lost along the way
The girl who had wonder in her eyes
And faith in her heart
Who trusted easily and forgave quickly
She could cry when hurt
Got scared quite often
She carried her childhood along
She didn't stay angry with herself
I didn't listen to her much
And admonished her often
I didn't value her much and didn't hide this either
She could write beautiful poetry
She made me feel better when she wrote
She stayed up nights with me when I was low
She could travel easily between her head and her heart
Her feelings were a riot of bright and dark colors
Her face showed what she felt
She was often lonely
But she was loved by those who knew her
She wrote when alone and she wrote beautifully
She was also gullible this girl I knew
And awfully sweet
To her the world was new everyday
I am so sorry that I let her go
And I look for her everyday.

India and Its Fabric

2011-08-28T00:55:00.004+05:30

Strange are the ways of the lord... I have seen so much grief, treachery, corruption that it is enough to make one hate. Hate the system, the people who run it and ask God why does he allow the loot. All the problems that India faces today are stories of neglect - Dalits, Muslims, Tribals, people from north-east, naxals are all the step children of the Indian government. I agree when the family is large, a few kids are bound to feel neglected but don't allow it to become chronic. And that's why God made hero's and he sends them at the right time. He sends selfless people who serve others for the sake of serving others and whose reward is the satisfaction they get from helping others. He sends officers who are incorruptible, he allows people like kiran bedi, arvind kejriwal, medha patkar, teetsa setalvad, anna hazare, aruna roy and many more. He sends government servants like Officer sanjeev bhat, justice hegde, manmohan singh. When our collective patience was wearing thin, he sent an idea through a frail man who refused food for twelve days.
The lok sabha today debated the jan lokpal bill. The speeches of our esteemed elected representatives were worth listening to. I am sure they were aware the eyes and the ears of an entire nation were on them. Where ever this goes from here, I am immensely happy. Happy to know that this government has had to shrug its aristocratic arrogance and bow down to the will of the common man. The euphoria in the air is contagious. The happiness reminds me of the night we won the world cup. No matter how much others and we ourselves criticise us and our way of functioning, I am confident that very few nations can achieve what we did today with peace and harmony. We made an elephant pass through a key hole. We did. And that's why I will sleep with a smile on my lips. I am today immensely proud as an Indian. when we are bad, we are very bad but when good happens its a burst of energy. This country of mine is woven today in a fabric that I like. My hair stand on ends when I hear the national anthem. There are many things that are not right but as a nation we are taking the right steps. Almost none of these steps have been easy but we are still on the road and the journey will be long and hard both. But I am a happy Indian today.

Bestfriends And Lovers

2011-08-22T00:02:00.003+05:30

There are boyfriends, then there are lovers, some we call partners, husbands, better halves so on and so forth.
I believe that a lover turned husband is very different from best friend turned husband. You don't create sparks they happen if they have to. With the best friend the jars for trust, understanding are already full when the relationship changes to legally wedded partners. You already know so much about the other. A lover on the other hand may or may not become a best friend. Its good if he does but then again its fine if he doesn't. Everybody doesn't fit into all costumes. That's why married folks still have friends that they continue to confide into with out the fear that it may hurt the relationship or the fear of being judged. I think it may in fact be very healthy to have friendships that are outside the marriage. Sometimes our friends may give us a perspective which we accept wholeheartedly while we may have rejected it had our partner said the same. Its like .. after a while we don't listen to our mothers while they are trying to drive good sense into us... leading to "I told you so".
I may be romantic with my lover but not my best friend and what happens when its the same person. Well in that case, there is a newness to the relationship and I will look at that person in new light and he will find me different too. Our expectations from the same person will change and then one may realise that someone is a great friend but not a great partner. Then you end up losing the friend and not getting the partner you wanted. I believe that our fears are different in each relationship we value.
Somehow I feel that friends should be friends and lovers should be lovers and mixing the two should be avoided. Keep life simple ...silly!

Restless Beast

2011-05-22T23:53:00.002+05:30

A restlessness rises and decides to stay
moving from one thought to next
seeking something that it cant define
eager to be satisfied
it remains empty hollow
the mist of rain outside
the hum of the air conditioner
the crowds on the streets
a cloudy evening by the lake
the silence evaporated with the crowds
two worlds
a silent canvas of clouds water and blue night skies
a screaming sweltering bustling thumping beast of the city
living like twins
together and apart
i am alive
aware
sensing seeking searching

To Madness

2011-03-24T17:11:00.004+05:30

Sometimes insanity is not so bad. Its good for the mind to scrub itself once in a while. Traffic jams make you appreciate shortcuts that you pick up to escape the chaos. Incoherent thoughts are not so incoherent. The chatter of the mind has a pattern. Listen. Close your eyes. You've been talking to yourself for a while now .. haven't you. And then your conscious mind is constantly trying to avoid the ears from hearing what you are whispering to yourself in your sleep.... Hahahahahahah

But now that you are mad. You are free! What exuberance... like that twinkle in the eye of the mad man seconds before he leaps from the window. Free like a bird to .. to... to... to what? No no .. don't listen. This is not the time to think... Because you've destroyed rational thought. You've convinced yourself that thinking is one of the most dangerous of pass times. Insanity is the answer to freedom and a life without expectations.

:) I am free now that I am mad.... hahahahhahaha!

Love-ly Turmoil

2011-02-27T20:02:00.003+05:30

I feel many things at many levels. I feel withdrawn unto myself and am with me. Not alone. I am with me. Aware of the tide of feelings that course through. Aware of pain and fear. Aware of confusion. In touch with the sequence of events unfurling before me. Bracing myself for the worst. Damn Capricornian traits! Always preparing for the worst and hoping for the opposite. I am a Capricorn girl. A mountain goat. I know I can be pretty head strong when I make up my mind. I dislike confusion. But then, don't we all. I don't even like the fact that I have used seven "I's" in six sentences. Tch Tch!
At times every things seems to be in slow motion. This is one of those times. Something big is happening and my mind has slowed down ... for what... soften the blow! Ha! The mind is up to its own tricks!
You know I am babbling! Usually I babble when I can't find the courage to say what I should be saying! Ha! More nervous laughter! I am now laying a trap!... for me!!!
Bottom line.... I am sacred shitless of the fact that what I want may come true and then my mind will convince itself that I am right again in not wanting it anymore! you know ... the shifting goal theory and all!
The thing is... how do you stop the chattering mind to be able to hear that gentlest of whispers that come from your heart! Listen to it! And I am trying!

How hard is it to look yourself in the mirror and not lie to yourself! And I tell myself... do it dammit! You are made of sterner stuff! Go on.. leap!

Like I said... I am feeling many things at many levels!

So lets change the subject...

... so tell me... what is love? How do you know that you love someone? Do people change when they are in love? Can you fall out of love? Can you love someone even if they cause you pain? When should you walk away? What should make you stay? How do you love yourself?

I keep coming back to my original thought... Love is the most selfish emotion of all. But in a good way!

When we say I love you... isn't it also about our need to say it rather than the other's need to hear it! Don't we feel better when we have someone to love. Forget that crap about being socially acceptable and all the stuff about being single stigma as in ...say... Bridget Jones Diary, etc etc. There is a vast population that wants to be in a relationship ... with anybody... they don't want to be single and that's all that matters. But we are talking here deep stuff... a real relationship.

I have seen the form of love change... from romantic love to something a lot more deeper, understated and firm. But I also feel depths of aloofness at times. And at that time I hear nothing from behind my left lung! Not even a whisper. Its that which scares me.

.... So now I am done! Are you?

And the Question Is...

2011-01-15T21:34:00.002+05:30

I learnt something new. I know I like to question things. Why they are the way they are. Sometimes that leads to doubt ....confusion. I am not talking about stars, moon, highways, food inflation or such. Most often it starts with a feeling... Mostly I don't care when I am happy but when I am sad and don't know why, I think.
I learnt everybody is not okay with that. Everybody doesn't like to think about things that seem to have no upfront answers.
We want our world to make sense and we want the truth to be convenient. The latter is very important to most people. When its not, we invent it. We lie to ourselves. We lie to others. Anything, but the truth or the confusion that surrounds it when we can't arrive at it.
We don't like it when someone wears their feelings on their sleeve. We don't want to know what ails the person next to us. We desire to hear good things. When we don't have answers to their questions, we tell them that they think too much. Alternatively, when we meet someone who "seems" to have their immediate world sorted out... we are very impressed. Impressed that they ask no stupid questions that baffle us and our logic.
I often ask myself, what do I want and what will make me happy. And mostly never think in days or weeks. Its just what will make me happy without any time lines. A grilled cheese sandwich with hot coffee would do for now but one year and throughout the year, what will work? Do I want a big car like so and so? Do I want a posh house like that other friend? Do I want a change in career. What will make me happy?

Mumbai Nights

2010-11-18T12:33:00.003+05:30

I Peeped out of my plane window. Mumbai was enveloped by the night and dark water. The glow of the night lights. Every now and then there cut a diamond studded necklace of roads. The night made it sensual, beautiful, mysterious. God is a man. He looks down and sees a beautiful woman in her finest jewellery. Quiet .... waiting. For that one moment I was not in the plane. My mind was elsewhere, unaware of the immediate reality.

The Light Inside My New Home

2010-11-01T16:59:00.004+05:30

I first spent three years complaining that my apartment doesn't have a view, that I don't see the sky from my window, that I can see other people's breakfast from my living room, that there were too many noisy kids around, that there was improper (read nil) ventilation and a lot more than just this. A new job got me into a new house (I am stubborn about such things, so its not home ... not yet). It has a view... At night I can see a beautiful curve in the road with a lone street light.... it can be very poetic at night, In daylight, I can see some hills, I can see lots of flora, I can see a fistful of sky and then some more, and a lot of fresh air. So technically, I have what I asked for. But I found out that when friends and family asked, how is the new place, do you like it? My response was a sullen - Bloody Expensive. I didn't say anything else. Nothing about how beautifully furnished the house is, how the locality is really cool, that there is a lovely park at two mins walking distance, that the shopping arcade is not too far, that it is double the size of my last apartment.
Jesus! Whats wrong with me!
I spent some time alone yesterday (a first in the new house) and realised my own pattern, how negative I was. Just noticed that the house has more to offer than what I choose to see. The light is really great. These are things that are important to me and they are all there. And then ofcourse there is the expensive bit.
So what made me think that I will have the most perfect house. Most times perfect things don't happen to people. Thats life!

The world from my key hole

2010-10-20T12:41:00.003+05:30

So which surface should I write from. The surface that lives in this immediate world of contact. The one that answers questions, travels for work, deals with people and issues. Or should I write from that depth where I watch things, absorb them, respond to them without expression, where time is not bound by the watch and where feelings and thoughts have a Storm brewing between them.
I live in both layers at the same time. After all we are multi tasking operating systems and that is the default setting. We can do many things at the same time, assess different things simultaneously and respond to various things around us. I am no different.
There are days when I feel I am alone in a boat in the ocean and there is no help around. There are days when I am astonished, scared, anxious, dead all in one day.
Why does it take so long to simply write that life in big cities can be very lonely. You are always alone and unfortunately surrounded by people you will probably never meet again. All you see is strangers. Even the task of going to the mall for a movie is scary. The elevators and escalators are over crowded, you won't find a place to sit in the food court, going to the beach is also a community activity, the whole city is out of their homes on the weekend. The only solitude is in the loo.
How can I be so irritated over such a long period of time. I realise it doesn't take much for me to get angry and I mean reaction giving angry. Like this last weekend when I saw this poor girl with a tray of food walking all over the place and not finding a single table. I called out to her and invited her to sit with me as most chairs at my table were empty. Or this other time when I saw a man lying on the road and not a single vehicle stopped to call for help and that includes me. I didn't stop. I feel guilty.
I am not a big city person I think and I live in a very big urban center of India.
No point day dreaming. I am here and what can I do about it. You know how they say - If you don't like it, change it. If you can't, accept it.
I just tell myself that this too is part of the strange ceremony of being a grownup. Too bad. Deal with it.
Nothing is final and this too shall change. I just have to keep my head above the water for now. Just survive and when there is help and more strength, things ca be changed.

Another Circle Around My Mind Space

2010-09-20T19:48:00.003+05:30

There are a few words that are playing in my head like an endless infinite loop. They are from the very famous ad campaign from mastercard. There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there is mastercard.

Today I reflect that indeed there are some things money can never buy. But that's not the end of it. There are some feelings that words can't express, there are some thoughts that mind can't read. There is some beauty that can't be captured in any medium. There are so many things that we think and feel and know at a level that we ourselves take a while to welcome them into our conscious mind. Its true - what the mind can believe, it can achieve.

You know something, I can sit here and bullshit all I want but I know I am hiding behind this intelligent sounding advise which actually everybody knows without my saying it. So here goes (Help me god!).

Sometimes I sit really really far away from something that scares me. Hows that for courage. Usually I make such scary thoughts sit in a really dark spot in my head and I make sure the door is locked and I then go about avoiding mirrors or time alone lest they peep out somehow and stare at me. I don't know how they do that. They behave like friends that you have fought with. You know, always lurking in the background knowing they aren't welcome. I usually spend a lot of my time in such stupid running away activities. Sometimes a really big decision is scary as hell. You know those life altering decisions after which you tell others and yourself - Well, I have made my bed so now I have to sleep in it.

Truth is my mind is really trying to avoid what my heart has plastered on the wall. So naturally I am in trouble. Nothing new about that.

I am the beast that resists change and my life is changing so much right now that I don't know what else to do besides being really anxious. What do you do when you face the unpredictable future that comes with a new job or say a marriage? I have quit a six year old decently paying job. I was doing well but felt like a frog in a well so the desperate need for newer waters and challenges made me take a leap of faith. So here I am in a free fall and not knowing that the ground I shall break my fall on is not squishy and sad or green and firm.

Sometimes I am shocked when somebody tells me you know its good that you have taken control of your life. And I think - control! Me! HEEHAW My decisions are a lot of emotions and thankfully little practical sense. I don't think that's a good balance anyway.

I know that people who take great risks have a fifty percent chance of great rewards. I know all the gyan (knowledge) about how one has to get out there and make it happen if they want their dreams to come true. But heck! nobody told you its so bloody scary. Maybe I am a fattoo (In Mumbai that's what you call someone who gets scared easily).

I am at some level aware that there are signs for me to read. I have pondered over what meaning shall I bring to my life. There are some things that I know I must do. My projects that will have my commitment and my desire both. Its not about money. There are some people who know why they are here. I have vague notions of it but the time is not right and I know it and I will know when it is right. I also know its not about money and it never has been.

The signs are everywhere. The books that I pick up to read. The issues that bother me concerning the world around me near and far. The current affairs of my country that are shaping my mind and I seem to be an observer somehow instead of a participant. I know I am on a certain road and that there is some distance to cover before my work actually begins.

I read a wonderful book by Greg Mortenson - Three cups of Tea. I am moved. What it really takes is your belief and your hard work to bring about the change that you want to see. How do you want to leave the world you got lucky to be born in. What do you want to do with your life. I think that's a very important question. I also see it as sacred.

I picked up another book - Illusions by Richard Bach. I was thinking about magic and signs when a close friend said that I should pick up this book. I did. Profound is the word that comes to my mind. The happiest people are maybe those who are doing what makes them happy. There is a world inside and outside waiting to be explored. But are you too busy catching the next cab to a happening joint in town. Whatever be your trip. Find your happiness and know that you will want something else later.

And then I picked up Arundhati Roy's book of essays - Listening to grass hoppers. Detailed methodical harsh funny sarcastic and very needed in the times of today. Covers topics that concern those who are interested in India's political and economic landscape that is changing before our eyes and after reading her I realise, you should not believe everything that the papers and news channels speak. Its a disturbing book because it presents a very grim reality. The reality which a collective conscience of Indian society would much rather avoid than acknowledge. She has courage to confront and drag you to the mirror with her. Buy it only if you have jigra (balls, courage).

2010-08-24T12:39:00.003+05:30

I am in a turmoil. Should children be allowed to work as domestic help as is common practice in Indian households? My own family has a few cases where children are hired for washing utensils or clothes or sweeping and mopping. Its a very difficult thing to fight a norm which is acceptable to everyone because "that's the way it works".

I live in Maharashtra and that too I live in the commercial hub of India - Mumbai. Life is different here than the places where child trafficking is on the rise. Children from poor states are sold through an intricate network of dalals or pimps. Often it is the parents themselves who force the child to work as they have no means to feed themselves. Poverty in the third world is a wretched ugly cousin that follows you everywhere. Of course its easier to "discuss" these issues "intellectually" rather than face them. Unlike the west, where the lifestyle of individuals reduces dependence on others for domestic work, In countries like India the cheapest thing available is labor. I wonder if China also faces the same issues but I somehow think that China is culturally more strong in their values than us Indians.

There are government programs that go unimplemented in most states. The funds are siphoned off before they reach the people they were intended for. The midday meal scheme that operates probably only in Mumbai is often reported in papers where children have fallen ill after consuming the food. Why? Well because food grain quality, safe and hygienic storage are compromised. I doubt if any authorised body audits the quality of government work.

So the poor children in Mumbai are a tad better off or maybe a whole lot better off than the poor children in Uttarpradesh or Bihar or Jharkhand or Orissa or West Bengal. Of course working in households is the way out of poverty or at least keeps them from going hungry. Middle class India has a huge demand for domestic labour and like every gap, this one too is filled. If the government had the safety net for these people or enough NGO's with sufficient funds were able to help, hundreds of thousands children would be going to school to learn how to not get ripped off rather than working for years in peoples homes.

As usual, the government is still working on the bill for right to education for children. Hopefully one day we will not be allowed to hire children as domestic labor. And the same would attract a criminal charge. But the government will have to find ways to fill the gap for money that these children were earning. If they do not find a solution for this, the problem would remain half solved which is no good.

While I write, I realise that I will have to find my own solution when I stand on the spot. Its a very disturbing spot is all I can say now. It just does not go down well that I am hiring the services of a child that should ideally be in school.

Maybe I don't understand how "the world actually works". I hope there would be some solution at hand when I get to this sticky spot. I also hope that in my own way I would be able to change the world I operate in.

Tips For Healthy Living

2010-07-24T23:31:00.004+05:30

These are my thoughts. Please accept or reject based on your own judgement.

Reading current affairs of Indian Governance System can cause depression
A book reading, poem writing soul is not at peace in the corporate world of grey ghosts in executive suits and spectacles
Earning money is very important to survive
How much money will make you feel safe is a very personal decision
You can't hide from yourself
That which pricks most is called a conscience
Cancer of the soul is commonly dressed as Guilt
It okay sometimes to not know where you are headed
Trust your gut and leap
Find out what you want
You may discover that your wants change with time
Explore what does success mean to you
Ask yourself - what will make me happy now
DO NOT misread Love to be a passing emotion/ infatuation
DO NOT misread a passing emotion/ infatuation to be Love
When you get a hate email, try to curb the urge to respond instantly - the best answers will come to you when your mind is at peace
Sometimes not giving everybody an answer is an answer
Self confidence works inside out
Judgement works outside in
There is no enemy like fear

Childhood Treasure Trove - Pink & White Sandals

2010-07-24T23:11:00.003+05:30

I need to write to know who I am. A weekend tends to bring the need on more fiercely.

I have spent the better part of the day trying not to over eat and reading a book by the title - Life Of Pi - By - Yann Martel.

For months I saw this book on the shelves and picked it up, read the back of it and put it back. I knew I would eventually take it home but something inside kept saying not now. Last weekend, I went to the bookstore to buy my only defense against loneliness... and was surprised by the joy this book brought to me when I picked it off the shelf probably like all the previous times. But something inside was different. A gut feel said, now you must take it home. You are ready for it. I have always believed this to be true. For all the books I have picked up and returned to the shelves un-purchased, is only because I am not prepared for the book. And its not in my mind that I come to this conclusion.

While reading today... while rain fell outside casting shadows on the day... For some unimaginable reason, my mind raced back. Raced back to a time when I must have been 11/ 12 years old. I thought of this beautiful pair of sandals that were bought for me. They were pink and white and were my most prized possession for a while. I could almost smell them as they were when they were new. That moment was so vivid, I could feel the air in the room where I lived, the light as it fell back in that day when I wore these beautiful sandals of mine. They represented something. Class, comfort and beauty. They also gave me a quiet confidence. I can't explain it. I was so fond of them. Why did I think of them today, suddenly while I have never thought of them ever before not even in my teenage years. It was something that had fallen off the memory chart. But I suppose I was wrong. Just thinking of it lifted my mood.

I keep going back to my golden childhood. In moments of loneliness, boredom, stress, anxiety, I keep going back as if to seek comfort.

Maybe I will think of my youth when I am really old the way I am thinking of childhood in my youth now. Yes I will, I already know this.

A Connection

2010-06-23T23:09:00.003+05:30

What makes people connect:
Hate
Love
Lust
Greed
Passion
Goal
Dreams
Lifestyle
There are probably too many things. I think two kind of people very close. Those who love each other and those who truly hate each other. When you hate some one, you study them like an opponent. You get to know them, that may be involuntary at times but you do get to know them. You know their strengths and their weaknesses. You would study them so you can beat them.
When you hate some one, you try to exploit their weakness to your best advantage. Some times we choose to not act on our feelings but when we do we would want to use our strengths against our opponents weaknesses.
On the other hand, when we love someone. We study them at all levels of the mind and maximise on their strengths and see if they can compliment our weaknesses. We allow ourselves to be vulnerable to them.
The thing with hate is that even though it acts like a fuel, it can take us in the wrong direction. When its over it leaves you drained.

I don't hate anybody. But I feel good when I meet a worthy opponent.

Sometimes my opponent is that person inside of me. The good thing is that I can handle that person.

Two to tango

2010-06-20T13:05:00.002+05:30

Some things in very close relationships remain unpredictable, like the pain that comes from a pin prick, you just expect it to be painful. I am getting aware of my blind spots. Its like discovering the feel of the cars engine while you are driving it on a constantly changing terrain. A couple does nothing but tango and even if one partner is off balance, you just can't get the act together. I am realising my need for approval from my partner especially when I disagree with him. I am also getting aware of his sensitivity to my defiance or rather my degree of adherence to his sound advise.

All of the bull above is about my buying a car he did not recommend. I have my foot inside the cake and now I can't undo it... But the other truth is that I like my cake my way...and thats his lesson from all this.

Tomorrow will be another day...

Confessions of a hijabi

2010-04-24T15:58:00.000+05:30

Confessions of a hijabi

Thought That Lingered

2010-04-24T14:22:00.003+05:30

Give up who you are and you will be someone new before you know it... give that up and be yet another you... come to think of it... I am a speck... the universe doesn't care to remember... I exisit... only for myself.. and thats all there is....

Passing Thought

2010-04-24T14:18:00.000+05:30

... To wear the new.. you have to take off the old!

Happiness - The Moving Target

2010-04-24T11:04:00.005+05:30

To be very strongly connected... at times I feel its important to be distant... equidistant if you must. How wonderful it would be if I were to not feel things like loathing, disgust, jealousy, envy, (hate is too strong for me so no I don't feel that). I could experience people but they would not upset me. So I wonder what is this insulation material that covers you from head to toes. Protects you from anything that is not good for you and sometimes that even means yourself.

The thing about insulation is that it may not even permit those things that should reach you. Say like - praise, compliments (haven't you met people who do not take compliments with grace), affection, love, warmth and so many more...

To receive love and all the goodness, I need a soft core but to not get badly bruised, I need a toughness - and I don't want that around my heart... but what is it that normally people do.. the first heartbreak sends us spiralling towards the place where people make cages for the heart... and sadly some of us never ever heal...

And then one day long after the day we got hurt, over breakfast and newspaper or while shopping for groceries, books anywhere in a crowded place we realise... we are alone... we are very alone... and then it hits us... if we are lucky... that we led ourselves down this road...

So.. my friend I write what I feel in my gut about such things as they never talk about it in schools ... find yourself a road... where sunshine will reach you... where if you fall down, you getup, dust yourself off, say thank you God for teaching me to look before I leap and carry on and don't forget to see the flowers, don't rush... life is short, enjoy the moment, do what makes you happy... and even better... do what makes your loved ones happy... you will my friend then be on a happy road...

Connecting the dots

2010-04-06T17:42:00.002+05:30

The skills that we don't use will eventually die out! This falls in line with the belief that everything exists for a reason. Don't you find relationships following the same pattern. Things need other things to grow... plants need care, an athlete needs practice, the body needs air & food, earth needs the sun. I think the world needs love. People who love what they do...create good things for everyone... All the greatest inventions are the labor of love...

... The dots continue to connect!

There is magic happening if you look carefully.... so what glasses are you wearing darling?

Find your happy road

2010-03-07T21:11:00.003+05:30

I think... (oh no! here goes)

I think life is beautiful.

Watch out what colored glasses you are wearing darling! For you see the world through them.

Life is beautiful because of the impermanence of time and that things change... even when we don't want them to. And because things change, the bad goes away and the good comes and then the good leaves and sends the better in our way. and then we spend the rest of the time chasing the best and realise the best is not a stop, its just a pause in time until you better yourself from the last time. That's why my friend life is beautiful.

An odd mixture of tears and laughter makes the perfect cookie.

Don't brood my friend coz you are here for a while. And because you wont last forever, find what makes you happy. And do that my friend because life is short when it comes to happiness. that's why we never feel the clock ticking with our eyes shut tight and gurgling laughter pouring out and happy tears getting squeezed out from the corners of our eyes.

Find your happy road!

Lets stay - You & I

2010-03-07T20:19:00.004+05:30

Lets be together
You and I
In this time and space
Wet green grass peeking from between our toes
The smell of rain soaked breeze
The big blue ocean above
White curly clouds afloat like icebergs
And not a sound that's human
Just a serene silence
And the comfort of good company
You and I
No questions floating in the head
An unhurried sense of time
A sense of space in togetherness
No roads and no road maps
Just time and a good place to rest
Enveloped we stand in our own togetherness
You and I
At a time and place
That feels it was waiting for us forever
And we are here now
Lets stay awhile
Lets hold this breeze in the cups of our palms
Lets tie the sky to a rope and drag it back with us
Lets put the smell of rain in green glass bottles
Lets stay with these moments
You and I

What Is Love To You?

2010-02-25T23:10:00.003+05:30

What is Love to you?

Love is taking a bite of that gorgeous cinnamon cake in the middle of the night without putting on the light and discovering that you accidentally ate veggie pie and then liking it anyway.

Love is an odd mixture of hits and misses. Preferably more hits than misses.

Love is soaring height and steep falls all put together.

Love is following a road that seems right.

Love is liking the other - warts and all.

Love is driving a car with two steering wheels and trying to stay on the road.

Love is forgiveness and kindness.

Love is respecting. Respecting - space, individuality, religion, sexuality.

Love is trust.

Love is also hope while the future unfolds.

Love is fear of loss.

Love is selfish.

........The rest is yet to reveal itself to me!

What A Wonderful Life!

2010-02-25T22:51:00.004+05:30

I think its never too early to talk about childhood. Especially if its your own.

All I remember from mine is lots of green grass, stones and boulders of all shapes and textures, weird smells from the middle pages of new books, erasers with dark edges, texture of wet mud, skinned knees (lots of them), the shape of my mother's palm and the sound it made when it touched my cheek (at either end), my English teacher who never smiled, spellings and meanings of words that I didn't like, looking up your latest crush's phone numbers in the directory, looking at grown ups with awe, lots and lots of open sky, lots of idle time, listening to crickets in the garden at night.

Had I known, I would've torn and framed grass spots from my clothes. Captured the sound of my mothers slap in a box and kept it on my table. Tucked away all the speacial treats that were made in the kitchen when we were studying very hard.

Time passes slowly every time I get a hug from my loved ones. In fact it seems to stop for just a moment for me to put it in a box and bury it deep in my heart for the inevitable winter that will arrive.

The balance of life is beautiful. It constantly changes things. When your journey makes you leave a stop and move on its only because another beautiful town is waiting for you.

S says some day long into the future, we will stop and look back at these days and say - what a wonderful life!

Amen!

A View From The Top

2010-01-26T13:32:00.004+05:30

आसमान की बुलंदी पे

बनाया हमने अपना आशियाँ

कुछ दरवाज़े कुछ खिड़कियाँ

ईंट पत्थर का हमारा मकां

फिर पूछा हमने अपने साए से

क्या खोया क्या पाया इस राह पे

Yesterday I visited the most posh residentials towers under construction in Mumbai. The tallest for sure and superbly luxurious. This was a work related visit. The person I met showed me a computer generated image of the building and was very proud to show me the location of the penthouse. My eyebrows disappeared to my head when he casually mentioned the price range. On my way back from the meeting I was wondering, how many property owners in this tower will stand in their luxurious super expensive flat and say to themselves, I deserve it and I have done no wrong to get here. The percentage of such people in my mind is quite small. Probably a single digit figure. And then a second thought occurred, no matter if you stay on the 55th floor or the pent house, you still have to go to the basement to get your car and then you have to share the same road as the rest of us and you still have to drive past shanties to get to the airport and you still share the same sunlight and the same air and ultimately, you too will die and leave behind a very expensive property and lets hope you die a happy person. That last bit is as important as the happiness of being able to afford a property like this.

I was happy to see this building. To me it represents the eternal human struggle to rise. Well in this case it takes 41 elevators to get there.

I was happy to see this project. Maybe I was just happy to see ambition. Somebody's thought translated to reality. Just the building itself as if saying to god, I am here. I was not awed by the wealth. It was something else that attracted me. I think it was the power of ambition. In that one moment I was not aware of the snob value of that place or the arrogance of the owners. Nothing. All I saw was mans struggle to be more than he is.

Random Thoughts

2010-01-26T12:50:00.003+05:30

The world is full of endless possibilities. Whether I am able to see these possibilities depends on how I am using my heart and my head. There are things like hope and faith that modern science would at best try to link with certain chemicals produced by the body to fight whatever it is faced with.

All of the best things of God are free and within reach to everyone. And yet we concentrate on those that remain outside our grasp. When the mind is still, the most troublesome of questions are the most simple ones. Am I happy today? What is my fear now? Why am I sad? And then the mother of all of them - What do I want? Sometimes it takes me days and a lot of silence to get answers. I have come to realise that fear is my biggest enemy. It has in past deprived me of the joy of hope and faith and unlimited happiness. Whenever I have conquered fear I have felt in control and have sensed life as an adventure. But then there are bad days too when the world at large is grey and hopeless. Reading newspapers today can be very depressing but it doesn't have to be. I believe there is always a way to handle anything, I just need to find it.

I have a few goals and whenever I get lost in my plans to achieve them, I find myself excited like a kid on his birthday, the hair on my arm stand on ends, my voice trembles. I will inshallah achieve those goals. I know it. But there is one sure shot way of not getting there. That road is called fear of the unknown.

आउट ऑफ़ माई माइंड

2010-01-24T14:03:00.003+05:30

एक ख़ामोशी की तलाश में चले जा रहे हैं हम
कभी अपने साथ कभी अकेले
कुछ नए से रस्ते
कुछ साथी पुराने

The mind is never still. Never quiet. I take deep breaths to make it still. Close my eyes and stay alert to the breath that enters my nose and leaves the same way. Seconds tick by. The eyes remain closed. My mind is an expert in drawing up images behind closed eyes. Realization of dreaming brings me back to my task of observing my own breath. Admonishing my clever mind to not think.
Its so hard... to not think. And so peaceful when I do so even if that state remains for few minutes. A blank mind that is aware of nothing but the body it occupies. That for me is bliss. The universe within is beautiful but seldom visited.
Being lonely and being alone are two very different things. I am with myself so much that I don't miss being alone. Yes I feel lonely in my own company sometimes. But such is life. And its beautiful.
Life is rich in experience. Time and years, thoughts and feelings, places, god and much more.
Even though I have an occupation, I am thinking that it should not be my identity. I am much more than what I do. Judgement, the fallacy of the human lot. We so often are quick to judge. An ability to accept without judgement is something that I struggle with and often fail. Someone who may not be making too much money, someone who doesn't have the best job on earth, someone who has so and so caste, religion. All these are boxes where we want to shove the people we meet. I hope I learn to consistently accept without judgement. Accept that which I do not like.

2010-01-01T14:34:00.000+05:30

What a beautiful ride is Love.
Takes you where ever you choose to go.

Saree Shopping

2009-12-27T12:31:00.002+05:30

Shopping! The most tiresome thing on earth probably after delivering a baby... but then what do I know about that! But not everyone views shopping like that. For instance some members of my family. The only thing that interested me was the fact that I was going shopping for me! Unlike S and Mom who are always excited to go out and spend hours sifting through stuff in shop after shop. The fun starts even before we reach the marketplace. Mom announces in the car while travelling that we should not roll our eyes or make stupid noises at her wish to see a few shops before we finally select something. I have come to realise the merit of this activity but gaawd! it is tiring. The first place we visited was a saree shop. she promptly reminded us that there are other famous shops in the vicinity and we were to remember that before we made a purchase. Its amazing how these guys build elevators in a two floor shop. Jesus! A little exercise won't kill anybody esp the woman who is planning to drape the saree. Our attempt to take the stairs was aborted when the lift man who wanted earn his salary said that sarees are on floor two and not one. That was enough to change mom's mind. We were ushered into a quiet chilled room with white mattresses. And the show was finally on. Out came reams and reams of silk, jute weave, gorget with resham threads, kashmiri thread work, woven jute with silk and an exceptional array of colors. We lost our hearts several times. Its amazing when we love a saree and can't hide it. The shop keeper carries that instinct. The royal bastards know exactly what to say. "Madam, yeh aappar bahut jachegi", "yeh dekhiye, yeh kaam aur yeh color scheme apko kahin nahi milega". All my MBA smartness went for a toss. S & I stared at the golden rivers of shimmering silk with "suckers" written large on our foreheads in bold and underlined font. Mom is an old player at this. You won't know until the end what she is going to put her hand on. Shortlisting and finally selection. Somewhere in all this three cups of coffee/ tea were offered which were declined. But somehow I found myself and S sipping Pepsi. Once we had made our choice clear, we then were taken back two floors down in the elevator of course and the wallet got a lot lighter than it was when we arrived!

I could breathe fresh air once again when we got out! As a child I abhorred saree shops since mom used to disappear in them for hours. Dad would sometimes find the patience to sit through and at others he would stand outside gulping fresh air. I think going forward I too might end up spending hours in such places for I do love this typically Indian garment we call the saree. They say it brings the woman out in you!

I Am Atlas

2009-11-01T11:16:00.003+05:30

No result is ever final. A beginning happened years ago and it continues. To say this is it is equivalent to death, the giving up of hope. Sometimes inner conflict and turmoil brings about a churning that destroys whats exists to make room for the new. To know that you are in the middle of a churning is not comforting. The uncertainty of an unclear future, projection of self is futile for I do not know the events that are yet to emerge. I am aware of some events of past; not all, even though they have bearing on me as I am today. Each man for himself. I am who I think of myself to be. The rest is unnecessary detail. I break to a million pieces to be new again. I will break again to be something else in future. I am alone for there is room for only one. You can color me but my colors are my own, you may vary my shade but I will still be me and not you. You are unique too but I am not aware of you as I am of myself. I strain to hear the music in my breath. The night talks to me of strange things. I am afraid of dark even today. I have been travelling and its been eventful. The magic and adventure has been replaced and I struggle with its loss. A sense of wonder still prevails. For some time I have managed to cut loose and stray aloof in some obscure direction, even willingly delusional I think. Like intoxication of some kind, showing me glimpses of what does not exist. I write in order to talk - to myself. I am atlas.

To Ishrat Jahan

2009-09-28T08:02:00.003+05:30

There are not too many things that move me. There was a time when I would often sniff while reading a novel or some work of fiction on a quiet afternoon. Now the afternoons aren’t quiet. They pass by in a dizzying blur. But then that’s not the point here. I was surprised at myself when reading current affairs brought a sudden sob. It was grossly inconvenient to express those feeling as I was alone and travelling on an airplane.

I was reading the sad tale of Ishrat Jahan’s family. Mr Modi’s state machinery targeted them instead of being their protectors as per forensic reports as submitted in Justice Tamang’s report. How must it feel for a poor woman with so many young children to stand up to the mighty Mr Modi and his corrupt police force. What kind of courage would that have required? Just when my feelings were brimming I happened to look out the plane window and saw the beautiful horizon a great distance away and I felt God’s presence. What troubled me was that he seemed as far away as that horizon. That moment was intensely personal between me and my God.

I was painfully reminded of how God can put you on a spot and challenge you to use a resource you thought you never had – Courage, which brings me to another thought. Power is difficult to handle for mortals like us. The usual laws of too little or too much are not applicable to power. Power corrupts. Simple. Maybe Mr Modi and his police force believe that they are one step ahead of the law. Maybe they are. But there is another court waiting for them. Universe has a system of balancing out things. What would it take to balance the power Mr Modi carries? Loss of Votes, court cases.. and what have you.

I hope Ishrat Jahan’s mother and siblings find justice and peace.

Satya

2009-09-14T01:35:00.002+05:30

Satya - The truth

I have fallen for this word.....

To me it means the struggle of life against death, light against darkness, peace against turmoil.

If I had another name... this would be it....

I am amazed at how I never looked at this before, my disbelief at its impact on me. The world may percieve me as crazy for having these thoughts. I am seeing - Satya - for the first time and feeling it in me.

Farewell Notes

2009-09-11T15:35:00.004+05:30

The usual clutter prevails between the ears. I am trying to make up my mind on which colony of thoughts I should write about.

A is leaving town. He is a much loved colleague and we decided to give him a send-off party. He would continue to work with the company but in another town with other people. He is a valued member of my direct team and is honest, reliable & diligent. Not once in the last few years have I heard a "no" from him for any work asked of him no matter what the time lines. So, its only natural that I am sad to see him go. But this is what he wanted. He wanted to be closer home to his folks. Am happy that we could make this happen for him.

I had left the city two years ago and only visit the branch when meetings are scheduled. This send off party brought back the old sense of security one feels amongst old friends. Surprisingly this is one branch where inter/ intra departmental politics have little space. These guys believe in having fun together. I haven't laughed as much as I did last evening for months. I thought about what makes one set of people stick. Maybe, it has to do with the fact that one always wants to be with those where one has most fun. What makes these guys unique is not the absence of things needing correction; rather its the atmosphere where light humor (and sometimes heavy humor) is used to convey precisely what is being objected to. I was offered a box of sweets by the office boy. I enquired about the occasion and the person who has taken the initiative for the same. Was surprised by B when he said - "S Madam is quitting, so I am distributing sweets". I laughed and blinked at the outrageous audacity of this guy. He laughed back and said - I have announced this many times that when s Madam will quit, I will distribute sweets. Every one was chuckling and I was trying to imagine the scenario being repeated given that the lady in question has put in her papers for the fourth time (as I was told amongst peals of laughter).

However, at A's farewell party B chose not to drink and saved himself from being the butt of many jokes and kept quiet. Deathly quiet. Strange fellows. I can't understand them. Then there was this other guy who never said a word since he arrived. Promptly had three stiff ones and then suddenly when we had forgotten he was around, he got up and in that small bunch of people looked straight at me and said - Madam! you know... I love Bengalis!!! I am not saying this because my boss is a bengali but I really love bengalis. Madam I am from bihar but when I take leave from work I first go to West Bengal. You know why?? Because that is the only place in the world where a man can eat a full meal of fish curry rice in ten bucks! But madam I am not saying this because my boss is a bengali. (His boss - another good friend - was sitting right next to me and laughing.)

In all this tamasha someone called A and said why don't you sing. A who is usually rather shy, agreed almost immediately and sang that old fav - "Baat niklegi to phir door talak jayegi". More than his voice it was his expressions and body language that took me by surprise. He was so totally into it. I had a face-splitting grin on the whole time. Of course A didn't stop at one song.

We had stuffed ourselves with starters but now it was time to eat dinner. Later the good byes and farewell hugs and speeches got longer, Eyes were watery, more hugs and more sweet words, more stories of episodes in drunken stupor in other parties and then it was time to perilously ride our bikes back home!

I was horribly beyond the curfew time. But you know what they say about home - when you come home, they let you in.

Changing the world

2009-09-05T13:10:00.003+05:30

Did you know that four crisp toasts with melted butter are therapeutic at 1.00 AM !!
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There are two kind of people in the world. Those who accept the world as it exists and those who want to change it. Which one is the hero? The revered ones are the ones who see things that don't exist and go about creating them, the ones who fight against something that appears much bigger and overwhelming than them. We can't stop writing about these people. Can't stop being in awe of them.

So what makes a hero? I think the hero (read true leader of the people) is careful about what he chooses to change.

Hitler too was a leader. But it was either his way or the highway. Gandhi Ji was a leader too. But his style was different.

You can't be intolerant of other peoples choices and expression and simply expect them to follow you without selling your idea to them in the first place.

You can't be a good leader if you are low on sensitivity to the very people you lead.

By force a leader can have a perfectly synchronised set of building blocks. But it will take very little to bring it down. People don't like being forced to do things when they don't agree with them.

Anyway... so what makes a good leader?

Is being firm with people same as being loud while talking to them? Does firmness necessarily have to come with a crisp tone and a rude set of statements or a decree?

I had read somewhere - be very nice to people but carry a big stick.

That made sense to me.

......

So anyway.. I was talking about the kind of people who want to change the way the world exists. So what do they want to change? ...I figure, you definitely can't be on the right track when you are changing window frames of your neighbours' home.

Conformity is good and desirable. But it lacks creativity and freedom. Each has its own advantages. I figure both need a space ... in varied degrees.

Leap of Faith

2009-08-09T21:22:00.003+05:30

What makes people walk out or stay in relationships?

What happens to a relationship where somebody lies and the other takes a leap of faith.

What happens to those relationships where somebody gets hurt by a lie and continues.

What makes people stay even when they know they are being lied to. When they close their eyes and look the other way.

when the choice is between less hurt and more hurt... we choose less hurt.

People don't end things on any one account. It gets added up. And one day the things that were being added up get so large in size that they don't fit the closet you were stuffing them in and shutting tight. So then ... it spills.

Leap of faith is scary. But we take our chances.

Someone had once told me that women are beautiful creatures meant to be loved. Yeah... I agree.

Hook Line and Sinker

2009-08-09T21:09:00.002+05:30

He said - you are a beautiful person... you radiate when you talk.

She fell for it!

Well - Aware

2009-08-02T22:22:00.002+05:30

The need for silence is immense. It is met. Friends, family, work, God .... they all seems to be standing on the other side of this fine line that seems to be around me. I am a little too aware of the pace and the change around me. A blur would be preferred. You know when you blink and something is different. There appears to be doorways inside myself that I seem to cross while changing gears to adjust my pace. I can walk inside to myself. Its a bit lonely there you know. But then its the same outside. I am neither the hero of my life nor the victim. I have not won any war nor have I been tormented by injustice. I am not seeking fame nor am I dying of anonymity.

I am truly an ordinary atom in the universe. I see that as a good thing.

But sometimes I want to escape myself and my mind. And thats not good. I want to see but not observe and thats not good. I want to be alone without being lonely.

CAKE ANYONE?

2009-07-15T09:11:00.002+05:30

Love is a chemical reaction!
Well..... is it????

Heck... what a rush :)

Yeah I know... eventually the ride gets over....

And then what.... and then you swim... in doubles....

LOL!

Single life.... what fun!

Can't have no regrets baby! So here we are... in the game of mixed doubles... except its not tennis... its swimming :)

Its also like baking a great big cake thats gotta last a life time (is that twenty years...?). You put in all the right ingredients. when its done, you take it out, cool it down and finish the icing and then you hope like hell that it tastes good and lasts forever (twenty years is it..?)

I am baking the cake ... so very busy...

Excuse me!

Adios.

Fire Burned

2009-06-20T13:04:00.002+05:30

Sometimes I am surprised at my own ability to risk things and the courage I carry till the end.

Another similarity in the universe worth noting... the heat of the fire makes a pure metal... somethings just get stronger when they are thrashed around and tossed about (and I am not talking about just feelings)... the rough edges disappear and a smoother shape takes their place. Thats durability.

Search

2009-06-07T15:38:00.001+05:30

Sometimes a blank page is torturous.

A troubled pause in the sequence of thoughts.

A flow so slow...

Missed in a blink.

Once again searching the divine balance.

In search of a center.

.................

A meeting with roasted papad

2009-05-23T22:28:00.004+05:30

The building was all stone and glass. We walked into the foyer (yes thats what it was) and found ourselves completely minionised under the high roof and the strange silence that seems like a punishment. Unlike usual bustling offices, here one had to look hard for the reception which was behind a certain wall. I noticed no sofas or no chairs. Nothing. Which can either mean that people in this office don't intend to keep their guests waiting at all or the other possibility ... there are no guests! That would be rather odd. But my first guess was correct. We were on time (Thank God!) and were immediately ushered into a meeting room where two gentlemen were waiting for us. We said all the right words... how are yous, surprisingly no traffic today, thank you for this wonderful opportunity... blah blah!
I had been forewarned that these two have a "fauji" background. So when we exchanged cards I wasn't astonished to read "Major" So and so & "Col" So and So. I looked up to see some smugness. Didn't find any so figured that retirement from "fauj" must've been a while ago. Thought that the crispness that is the gift of the military style that stays with people long after they retire must've left. Boy! was I wrong. This gentleman was as crisp as a roasted papad! He put me on my guard from the moment he delivered an invisible slap on my face when I asked him if their entire exercise was being done just for the heck of it, as had been our experience for the last four years with his organization. Collect quotes and then nothing. Ofcourse I quoted this statement in two inches thick sugar dip. It was time to change gears and sit pretty. Let him do the talking. And talk he did. Somebody had told me that women yak too much. Well ... here was our friend col roasted papad who would've put any bunch of women to shame. I realised, give an old man half a stage and he would make full use of two. Especially if the audience is the fairer sex and young and quiet. So off he went into the discussion. Well maybe its appropriate to call it a monologue. We listened. We get paid for it after all! Ha!
Tricky man this, I had to rephrase the risky (likely to offend a superior soul) questions multiple times in my own head before I quickly delivered them to this stumped (that would be us naturally!) audience. We were four of us. The girl from my team chose to remain mute the whole time. She figures if I am around, I have to bat and not she. She is wrong but we'll come to that later on. Col saab had his side-kick (Remember the major saab) siting next to him. He too had his mute button on. But then in his case I suppose that must always be the case as in true military style, the big boss gets to speak and give orders and its the job of the reportee to only nod in affirmative. The true fauji never says no. Er! but they chose otherwise in this case. They said NO to the rates quoted. You see ma'am, with a market like this (ref the downward spin of the world economy), you simply can't send a quotation like the one you have. I chose to smile, words were not a good choice at that time. I could've said a lot but then I was biting words since I arrived. Twenty minutes into the meeting and we still hadn't found common ground. Using my "fauji" connection is always a last choice, in most cases I don't prefer it. I share it only if I like the guy at the other side of the table and that too as a parting shot. But here, we were swimming and not really going anywhere. The colonel continued his tirade of superior experience, not to mention the three phone calls that he just had to take. Ah! nothing like the attention of a rapt audience that waits on every word you utter. And then suddenly a ghost appeared. He was wearing a jacket, had gloves on, no name tag. He said only two words - tea....coffee. We muttered something. It didn't matter what we had. We wanted to get out. HE brought steaming brew almost immediately. The col waited until he had left and then said to me madam can you tell me whats wrong with what he did. My fauji knowledge was being tested. I am expected then to know everything about service. Well I was too busy not attending to such training growing up. I knew I was dead. The man had delivered a perfectly good cup of coffee. It even tasted good. Damn! Thats when my client says, you see ma'am he has given you too sugar cubes on the spoon kept on the side of the cup. He should've brought sugar in a different container. He should've brought along a napkin. You see ma'am fauj teaches us some very fine things. I had a flash in my mind. I saw myself standing outside a chai pakode shop in pune and having hot pakodas without washing my hands and you can bet on it.. there was no napkin. And here I was ... nodding in affirmative to this ... client. What am I becoming? I also knew that had that pantry steward who served us the coffee been on my company's payrolls, heck I would've been proud of him. He was good. He was polite, he knew how to take orders and he knew how to serve. Gaaawd! What a psycho ! He was thrilled to know me when I said I know what you're referring to, I have had a fauji upbringing. I said all the right things afterwards.
Something was very wrong here you see. People who go through the fauji culture usually fall into a strange trap. They believe themselves to be better that the civilians. I know this because I was one of them. Fauj is the perfect way of living in a make believe world. Its hard to shake it off if you are the kinds who need a certain life style to prove that you are good and successful. But when you do shake it off, its then that you actually enjoy life. This man here in front of me was for a few minutes completely lost. He went back in time. I could see that.

This is hard to explain. Growing up I saw a lot of polished brass. A lot of red lipstick and high heels. Taash parties, holi fests, diwali bashes, dining ins, dining outs, weekend parties, etc etc. Back in those days, a working wife of a fauji would be a teacher (9 out of 10). Husbands would leave for work at 8.00 AM. Return by 2.00 PM. Lunch. Snooze. 4.00 PM either games (basket ball, tennis, golf). Tea at 6.00 PM. Party (atleast once in ten days). 10.00 PM dinner. To bed by 11.00 - 12.00 mid night. This is the routine of a slightly social fauji officer. The not so social ones were home after 6.00PM and slept early. You saw them at compulsory social functions like the mandir pooja program or the gurudwara functions or official dinners (I never saw those, kids were strictly not allowed).
Life is different. You move around mostly the English speaking apparently sophisticated apparently educated cordial lot. You almost never stand in a queue. Its stylish not have your daughter know how to cook. Nearly every fauji wife will have dark sun glasses. (My mom didn't. But then she was a mis-fit in the flying kisses type from the very beginning). I don't know now but a fauji will always get up when a woman enters the room. He will always be polite with women. Yes there are exceptions. There are enough loud drunks with uncomfortable wives who keep praying that her man doesn't put his foot in his mouth. I've seen it happen the other way round too. The man quietly picking up his wife's purse and taking her to the car. Smiles passing around.
These men and women who wear these olive uniforms during the day and attend these social evenings, go home and be themselves again.
And then one day all of it disappears. You find public transport. You discover that there is a queue to pay the telephone bill. You find that there is no spare vehicle except for the one you had the sense to buy from your meager salary while you lived in make believe castles. You find a whole new world. And the best part about that world is it will take you as you are. You don't have to have dark sunglasses, red lipstick, a crew cut, or high heels to fit in. You just do... just as you are. And its a lovely world.

But people like my roasted papad client here, never really come out of the fauji life. They dream of it every now and then. Even when its long gone. I wanted to shake the man and say.. dude...forget it. Take a local from borivali to churchgate. It would make you appreciate the guy who served you that cup of coffee.

Back to the drama in this meeting room. The meeting was finally over. By now I had made a record of sorts of nodding in affirmative and smiling so much that my face hurt. Suddenly colonel saab got up. Shook my hand (not like a fauji, just the fingers, not a grip) and strode out of the room with his side kick who said a polite good bye and followed his boss out of the room. That when I heard my team mate for the first time. She said look at this picture on the wall. I saw a square frame. With a white square border, there was a smaller square of grey clouds. It had a red dot a tiny red dot on it. I saw it and blinked.. what the hell is this. And then she said, look over there... theres three of em. And there they were. Three almost identical frames with just the red dot in different places. We laughed and tried in vain to control our pitch. This was the most weird meeting ever!

Let it roll baby....

2009-04-30T22:53:00.003+05:30

Oh the bloody hormones...

Ladies & gentlemen, if you're still here... May I suggest this is the best time to quit reading and resume more meaningful activities.

...

The longer I stay away from this page, the heavier the price. Jerry Maguire... you know the movie... to be exact the movie you see to see Tom Cruise smile and block out the sun. I was just watching that ... he left a job because it led him to a place where he felt he didn't belong. I was wondering why do people laugh at those who stand out and say - Hey... I quit since I don't belong here. Do people really want security so much that they never once look inside and check if all is well. Do people get uncomfortable with themselves? I think I already know the answer. I know some people who'll tell me - Oh comon... its just a movie. I heard that when I said something about Atlas Shrugged to my friends. So I stopped saying a few things.

I thought about this - whats wrong with expressing how you feel. Why is it such a social taboo. I think its unfortunate that we don't see people do that at work or even outside. Its so cool to be always in control that even if one feels raging passion, don't say it! Think something should be done differently, keep quiet, sit down. I find that suffocating to say the least.

Besides the bullshit above, I sadly came to a conclusion - and yes unfortunately I am as usual the last one to arrive at that!

I don't know what I want.

Everyone around me is telling me that something is wrong and I have been in denial.

You know the feeling where you want a good scrub so that whatever it is, gets washed away!

I realise I am pretty slow to reality checks!

For now... confusion prevails.

Good night!

And if you are still reading this..... well... I love you!

Things to remember

2009-04-18T19:43:00.001+05:30

I would like to remember this:

It is the sign of a strong mind that can listen without agreeing or disagreeing, neither accepting nor rejecting.

My High Mountain

2009-04-18T19:21:00.003+05:30

Everything is linked to everything else. You really need to sit on top of a really high mountain to get away from it all. Isolation is something that can only be created temporarily. you know like the thermos walls that keep the coffee hot. As long as normalcy prevails, you have to pay the price for it. Sometimes that price is discomfort. But I am comfortable with discomfort right now. Why? Maybe because it brings with it a strange isolation where only you and the problem exist. So basically that means I am sitting waiting for the problem to go away on its own. Not a very intelligent move I might add.

The better part of the entire deal is that I can find the high mountain right here right now. Its a state of mind and I know perfectly well that I can get there if I work on it.

Today for some very reasonable reasons (!) I was thinking of barriers. You know the ones not made up of physical things. The ones that exist between the ears. I was looking at some one while he was sharing something that showed a glimpse of his perception of the world. His basic assumption was that the world is a certain way. He was wrong in his assumption. Which is fair. But I was astonished about his lack of openness to a different reality. And then it dawned on me - aren't we just mirrors. I can recognise something if I've seen it before.

And then again, even if people change, they do go back often to who they used to be and then come back again as some one new yet again. And so it goes. People often want a guarantee of words. I am afraid I can't give that. But I am like them too.

So I say - Its time to go to the mountain.

Isolate Isolate Isolate....... and float away!

E Fever

2009-03-30T21:56:00.002+05:30

"When I feel insecure, I like a non-secular national party. When I am not feeling scared or vulnerable, I lean towards the secular party" - thus spoke my friend!

We seek a sense of security. Of course there is a sense of security in numbers. But the fear of falling through the cracks is always around.

Fanatics scare us but we would rather be with our own fanatics. Thats how I read it.

For me ... a fanatic is a fanatic ... there is no mine and yours on that one.

I believe that this sense of security is false. After some point this security will become suffocating and we would draw a line and say, you are a hardliner and I am not and divide ourselves again. There is no end to reasons for division. That has been happening since centuries.

The human need to feel better or superior in comparison is insatiable. And so is the need to overcome oppression and bondage. I admire Mayavati for she knows her math well and she is a good card player.... Success is truly the distance you cover.

I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that the concept of Hindutva came into being because it was an idea whose time had come. Even if I didn't approve. Maybe I was not tuned into a certain reality that always existed, that there exist people who genuinely want to remain divided for maybe it helps them in some way, like that old sense of security!

Maybe just maybe I need to keep this party's non-secularity aside and see if they have been able to do good work where ever they ruled.

I am thus looking at the candidates of these parties, not their allies but their candidates. Who do I trust to make the right decisions, which decisions matter most - economic policies, law & judiciary, reforms, infrastructure development, world trade and a few more issues.

Its funny that in this over crowded country the majority and the minority fear each other. Ha!

Each of the country's socio-economic strata's desire different things. I might want better growth opportunities and stability but the autowallah who gave me company today wanted a thousand bucks in exchange of the vote, someone else might settle for a blanket, yet another might want subsidised grains and commodities.

So what would I do if I want a sweeping victory? I will define my goal to reach each or some of these classes (maybe ignore those who are too few to matter... ), prepare candidates who each of these classes would relate to (I think that should be important) and launch them and then of course ensure I have the budget for all this.

If my target audience is illiterate, poor, deeply polarised on religion, then no sweat at all... Just say what they want to hear. Critisize your opponent, make false promises and win!

The election fever has caught up and its here for a while!!

Sporadically Inspired

2009-03-30T21:06:00.003+05:30

I am given one million gallons of milk and and thousand tonnes of sugar. I have to use it all. But the milk can't be too sweet or too bland to taste. I need to know how much will go with how much and how long it will take to use it all up.

Thats what love is like. You have a huge load of sugar (affection, care, warmth) but you need to strike a balance to make milk shake. Don't use it all in one go. Don't hold back too much for then you will stop enjoying the moment.

Balance outside comes automatically when there is balance within. You gotta love yourself before you can even understand loving another.

My friend said - whatever you do make sure you have fun. I thinks thats very important.

I can't stand ideology wrapped in morality and self righteousness. I meet it everyday.

More often people like to sell wisdom.

It takes confidence and depth to keep quiet even if you don't agree. But more often unfortunately it only takes fear for people to keep quiet.

There is great imbalance... the divides are great - rich and poor, hungry and well fed, illiterate and educated, hindu and muslim, marathi and bhaiyya, above poverty line and below poverty line, etc etc etc.. But there are greater levelers.... love fear kindness hatred happiness sadness and all the other intangibles. Happiness does not check my bank balance before knocking at my door, not does fate or luck.

There are two worlds I occupy, the one limited by sight and the one which is boundless within.

But I need the balance to make the transition.... as said the enlightened Buddha!

What I would never learn in MBA

2009-03-30T20:04:00.005+05:30

The long weekend ended and the terrible mean Monday arrived. I always knew it was on its way... and that made the weekend even sweeter. So when this particular Monday ended I was too eager to get out of the office walls.

Mundane issues on my mind, I left office with thoughts of hot poha and chai waiting at home lovingly prepared by mom. On this evening the wait for autoriksha was not very long and along came a wandering lost soul who stopped and nodded in affirmative towards my destination. The usual routine of trailing large behinds of very large trucks or buses on a narrow lane. This man I noticed perhaps had an equally good reason to take me home and fast or maybe he was just himself ... "A get out of my way for I will not apply breaks" autowaalah! Having given up my fear of speed on crowded mumbai roads, I knew I'll get there pretty quick!

He was wearing a white shirt and pant, long hair and a grown beard. He asked me if I thought the new east-west flyover was any good. I said ofcourse, together with mahindra flyover it means that I am home in half an hour. What could be better. He shrugged and laughed at me. And I thought thats nice, for a change someone with an opinion. Brilliant!

Thoughts of the election fever on my mind, I casually asked -

I: Vote doge kya?
He: Nahi, koi fayda nahi hai.
I: Kyon? Agar dete to kise dete?
He: Joh hazar rupya dega, use vote denge, warna nahi denge.

I smiled to myself, my bloody MBA-programmed head and the stupid gyan is of no use in this conversation. He shut me up. Thats usually my state when theory (read gyan) meets its cousin - practical life.

And then on a whim or god knows for what reason, he said to me.... aap to shayad congress ko vote dengi. I was truly stunned.

My destination was arriving. And now I didn't want to reach home for the next fifteen minutes. I wanted to tell him why he should vote but I think its wiser to let people make their own choices but I did want to share with him why I wanted to vote. And hence I asked-

I: Bachhe hain kya?
He: Haan..do... ek ladka aur ek ladki. Dono achhe school mein padhte hain....

I wanted to say something but before I could gather my thoughts he said... madam main MA pass hun. Pehle ek jweller ke yahan kaam karta tha.

My MBA-junked head flashed a "System Down".

He smiled at me when I gave him extra change and asked me if this is my usual route....

While I walked away, I dragged along a zillion thoughts with me. I came back to the point where I have often stood, looked up at god and thought to myself why is God's design at times painful.

There was a lot I could've said but I didn't.

I am the lowest common denominator when I cast my ballot. It may be very minuscule a percentage... I may be the millionth number that comes after the decimal. But I am there. Thats all I am in this vast crowded country of mine. I add up... therefore I am!

You

2009-03-30T19:44:00.002+05:30

For you

You are end of one road

And the beginning of another

The thought that sails on my sigh

The dream that weaves while I sleep

An extension of my desire

The root of my soaring height

You are my farthest distance

and the shortest route

You wash my world anew

cold winter mornings

Fog & Dew

Walk in the woods

2009-02-26T22:45:00.004+05:30

An old wise man once taught me - if you can link one thing to another, you would know more than the others.

And link I do.

There is undeniable order in the chaos around. At every level and every sphere.

For a long time, I laughed at people who said destiny can't be ignored. I can't ignore the data that is before me. Times are bad. People close to me have lost jobs. I haven't. It would take one meeting in Paris to decide whether or not the Indian subsidiary should continue. That's all. And yet here I am at the end of the month knowing very well that salary is on its way. I could be in anther's pinching shoes but I am not.

I work very hard, so does the lady who cleans my home and does my laundry. And yet, I am employing her services.

When I take stock, I am humbled and overwhelmed by God's kindness. I have done nothing to deserve this good life. At least not yet. Not returned an ounce of goodness back to those who need it the most.

I visualise God as this source of white light (very filmy I know) flashing in my eyes - saying - so kid - hows it going?

This chain of thought started while I was watching the 81st Academy awards on television. A gentleman on receiving the award says - there are four places in the world that I thought I would never get to be at - the moon, the miss world pageant stage, (i forget the third one) and this place as the winner of an academy award. This is unbelievable.

And I thought yeah man - look at Barack Obama - Who would've ever thought. Or AR Rahman.

I realise that I can no longer not believe in the power of imagination, dreams and positive thinking.

I have always been better thinking in pictures rather than words. For a very long time, been thinking what can be the visual symbol of the universe - and for almost twelve years - I keep coming back to a mysterious spherical dot hanging into nothingness.

Moody is here and where the heck are you?

2009-02-08T19:54:00.002+05:30

Our world is what we think. One moment I am Bridget Jones in her lonely phase and next I am Sarah Jessica Parker with a full love life. One moment I am destined to be a faceless entity in the crowd and the next moment I am the future - maker (Is that a word??) I am both - an astonishing failure and a sparkling success. I own a yatch and a Bajaj Chetak. I completely understand the universe' mysteries and next moment I am devoid of all earthly sense. I am the unfortunate opposites combined.

The acknowledgement of this power is ..well.. scary. I can spiral downwards or shoot straight up.

I think I am ready for a good scrub.... and wash this mood away.

Soul Food

2009-02-07T22:05:00.004+05:30

Soul food..... I cooked some last night. To soothe frayed nerves, to drive out the dirty fumes I inhaled while on my way back from work, to forget the schedule of the coming Monday and also to forget that its going to be a lonely weekend...!

Recently I have hired help to cook for me. I realise I crave to cook... so is it a wise investment of money? Time will tell. Cooking helps. Other people exercise, talk to others, listen to music, read.... I cook. So what does it help with??? Well for starters, your mind is busy estimating the effect of the ingredients of what you attempt to put together. My creative side also finds an outlet... for example yesterday I decided to mix lemon juice and honey as a flavouring. The taste of the vegetables (sauteed well) was a tingling sweet sour taste that you feel at the sides of the tongue. Colored capsicum was good to look at because you eat with your eyes and your nose before your tongue touches the food. It has to look good. The anticipation of the taste comes next. Actual eating and savoring of the taste is in fact the last step. So yes. I know what cooking does for me. It allows me to have an experience that my work life is devoid of! (I have to do something about that!!)

Earth's edge

2009-02-07T20:59:00.002+05:30

I am walking the surface...land that is. Walk and reach a strange thing. It was nothing unusual. It was a hole. Bottom was not visible. Darkness was. I was crying because I was alone. I knew that the border of the earth and that bottomless pit was not the only border that I was experiencing. I peered over the edge. Almost about to topple over. At that edge I saw faces inside the darkness. Faces of people who had completed the transition over the edge. I asked - Is there where I will lead myself? The answer was - no! And I felt my body swing away from the edge. I was once more on land - firmly so.

Peering over the edge is not a good experience. I know that that is how others must've felt too. This defining moment has seen many witnesses. That defining moment when you know for sure that you are facing a fork in the road and you have to make a choice.

... But to know what the other would've seen when they arrived at the edge. And then those who fell over... and those like me .. who pulled back.

Loss of happiness

2009-02-02T22:10:00.003+05:30

We lost someone very dear. A family friends' son, a friend to me with whom I had spent countless mornings, afternoons, evenings running all over the place. We were toddlers then. Didn't keep in touch as we grew up. But knew of each others progress in life. What was the other upto? Where? etc.. trivia. He was fondly called "Happy". And he always was. I always found him smiling until we fought. He is no longer with us. I haven't met him in over twenty years so why did tears well up?? I hope he is at a better place.

Life is fragile. We spend too much time on stuff thats not important.

I think the most unfair of life's demands is for parents to lose their children. It must be heartbreaking/ devastating.

You and the bend in the road

2009-01-11T20:13:00.004+05:30

Walked to the end of the road,

And found that was not the end of it.

You stood at that bend in the road,

Smiled and held my hand.

I didn't know it then

But we were walking to that spot

All our lives

From different directions

Those moments were already there

We just arrived at them.

In search of a new madness

2008-12-28T01:58:00.003+05:30

In search of a new madness

Something more important

Than myself

Something that makes the ego sit down in a corner

Madness that makes sanity bearable

A reason deeper than my being

A link

To the me that is yet to be

The me that is still emerging

From the shadows

In search of a madness

My World Is Smaller Now

2008-12-06T18:07:00.006+05:30

Sometimes we think that if we don't look, then its not happening. Some of us won't acknowledge something because if we did and it wasn't right then our conscience won't allow us to sleep. So go on believing that the world is a very big place and all the bad stuff happens to other people. It won't happen to us and that's a desperate hope we live in and deep down we ignore that small little thought that says - you know that's not true. But we bury it and carry on. And then one day, everything changes. We become - the other people.

I had always heard that there are three kinds of people - those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and then those who wonder what happened. Today I understand this as my own thought and not another's wisdom.

The terror attacks in Mumbai have rocked my boat. Hell they've rocked a lot of boats. I have never seen my fellow Indians express their sentiments towards the political atmosphere the way they have. I applaud the relentless media coverage that made the world smaller however, I do feel that there is a difference between reporting facts and reporting facts with judgement. I saw some journalists/ news men become human. Perhaps it was difficult for them too. Hatred when naked can not be ignored. It burns through a lot of things. In India it burnt though cushioned seats of a few politicians.

I read the newspaper cover to cover last Sunday. Devouring the facts. I was curious to know how young men who could've done so much with their lives be convinced to give it all up and to my horror in the name of morality and jihad. A line in the center spread that day caught my eye. A hostage woman at the Oberoi asked her killers - "why are you doing this?" And the answer was - "What did you do? Train mein. Godhra Mein".

Every action has a reaction and what we saw in Mumbai from the night of 26Th of November 2008 until 29Th November 2008 was not an independent action. It was a reaction. It is difficult for me to express myself but I would try. What happened in Gujarat in 2002 should have been stopped. But you see it was happening to someone else. It was not happening in my backyard. I had not lost a loved one. My sisters were not being raped and my mother was not being killed. My father and brothers were not shot. So it was happening to some one else. I am not alone.

Nations at times behave like people. They turn their back on an event in the hope that it would go away. And that's how we contribute to the destiny of our lives. What goes around, comes around. United States turned a blind eye when 800,000 Muslims were executed by the Serbs in Bosnia. The allies didn't stir when millions of Jews were executed in Auschwitz. Children and women sent to gas chambers. Saddam Hussein allowed "Chemical Ali" to carry out genocide and kill innocent civilian Kurds in Iran and the most powerful nations continued to provide financial aid to Iraq. In a lot of cases they even refused to use the term genocide because the United Nations Charter had stated that the world community has to respond to genocide happening anywhere through peace or through force.

Today is the anniversary of the Babri masjid demolition. A day when the fabric of my country changed forever. When the divide became apparent. That was the beginning of a lot of sad things. And it was all done in the name of righteousness. When Muslims avenge their brothers, they kill their brothers too. A bullet knows no religion. We have made the world un-safe for our children.

Shashi Tharoor spoke on NDTV last night during a debate/ discussion with Srinivasan Jain. He said that the middle class in India had left the politicians alone to do whatever they wanted to do. They didn't want to vote. They paid their taxes and hoped against hope that their money (read sweat/ blood) would be put to good use. But 26 November 2008 changed all that. Suddenly the entire middle class sat up and realised that the policy makers have left no room for them to breathe. The policy makers in my country give my police force a wooden stick to combat a terrorist carrying AK-47. The policy makers (read government servant) have left the boundaries of my country porous for infiltrators and smugglers to walk in and out at will. The policy makers get Z category security while I tremble in the 6.00 PM local from Churchgate to Borivali. The policy makers do not educate the children of the poor. They lead farmers to commit suicide. They reward martyrs through money and then forget about them completely. The budget makers do not allocate resources in such a way that a hawaldar's children go to decent schools. Every child has a right to an education and every man has a right to earn a living. My policy makers have robbed my countrymen of even these. An average politicians skin must be as thick as the distance between Sonia Gandhi and LK Advani or the distance between Mr.Kalam and Pappu Yadav. I heard Mrs. Sonia Gandhi was worried about the public anger.

Mrs. Gandhi should know that they twisted everything because they failed us. All of them. As a faceless middle class taxpayer I have been ignored too long. And also, I have been tolerant so far. However, they have changed the rules of the game. Now the Politicians know that they are being watched and closely.

When the anger subsides my thoughts are these - Will I continue to demand that action be taken by someone else or will I get up, roll my sleeves and get going? What can I do and how do I go about it? I know I am not alone and that I will find those who seek the truth and want action taken.

I have a right to better systems in this country and they better listen.

My world is smaller and very connected today. Assam is not too far and neither is Kashmir. I don't want to listen to those who tell me that I am from this region or this religion. I am a good human being and an Indian. And then a Muslim. End of story.

My legal system needs to address the need to keep such individuals who divide us in any name, away from the public. Far away in a locker with no window.

I heard someone quote Martin Luther King - Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

Be the change you want see.

Search

2008-11-30T19:12:00.004+05:30

Perhaps I need to visit my country's past in order to understand our present and realistically dream the future.

I want to know what happened in Godhra.

Why did we bring down the babri masjid?

I want to know what led to partition.

I want to know what led to the situtation in Gujarat.

I want to know why Guwahati.

For now there are more questions than answers.

I want to know Kiran Bedi's solutions for better policing.

I want to read MJ Akbar.

I want to know what breeds hatred.

I want to understand why as an Indian Muslim (both words are important) do I feel uneasy these days.

I want to know why the fanatics scare me.

Mumbai and Me - Our ordeal

2008-11-30T01:19:00.004+05:30

I can't watch funerals.
I can't understand how a 21 year old gathers the gall to kill people.
I can't imagine the face of that human being who can brainwash shitless kids to do the things that have no forgiveness in any court.
I can't imagine the pain of those who have lost loved ones.
I can't imagine what Rantan Tata must've felt when he walked into his own hotel on this strange Saturday morning.
I can't imagine what Arnab Goswami would've felt when he got off air for the first time after covering the events from Wednesday night to Saturday.
The world around me has changed.... painfully ... and I am scared that we will get back to normal which in my books reads as "Jaded".
I see my fellow countrymen seethe and burn with anger.
I know that as a collective audience we have developed this extreme disgust for politicians.
I know that if they showed a speech by narendra modi or raj thackrey.... I'd throw my television outside the window.
I felt happy to know that the Mrs. Karkare politely refused to meet Mr.Modi and also refused the amount he had offered. (A secondary non-critical thought - why did Mr.Modi offer money to Hemant Karkare's widow. Does he think that Maharashtra Govt. will not do the needful??).

I hold myself responsible for criticising the politicians while avoiding action at any point from my end. What have I done to elect the persons that I'd like elected. Sure there aren't too many to choose from. Why did I not protest when the political circles called Ex-President APJ Kalam "A-Political"? Why did I not stand up and tell Raj Thackrey that you can't win by dividing a state. Why did I allow Narendra Modi to polarise India into Muslims and Non-Muslims? Why do I agree to pay taxes and allow the roads to be full of potholes and trains to be bursting at seams? Why do find relief in being middle class instead of helping others?

I have walked myself to this place. Its up to me to be whoever I want to be and where ever I want to be. Am I willing to be a change agent or would I continue to just react instead of act??

I would like to finish with a small story they covered about this Greek millionaire Andreas Liveras who lost his life at the Taj Mahal Hotel at Mumbai. He wanted to have his curry despite the terror attack that he was well aware was underway. He knew he could die. But the man wanted his curry you see. I think not only did he die rich and happy (hopefully) but he died on a full stomach.

Life is short and that's all we have.

Dear God

2008-11-21T00:32:00.003+05:30

Dear God,
This is my prayer tonight:

Let faith be stronger than doubt
& thoughts be clear not clouded
Let courage prevail over fear
Let strength win over weakness
Allow me to hear myself
Allow peace to prevail
Love to prosper
Let there be harmony all around
Give strength to overcome obstacles
Sight to reduce the enormity of problems

Dear god, be with me.

You & I

2008-11-09T13:04:00.007+05:30

Love walks in with sunshine and rain laden clouds
All at the same time
I am drenched soaked to the bone
Am happy and content
as dry earth with first rains

A wine glass filled to the brim
Aroma that escaped the fire and brought strangers home

Hands and touch
Smooth and rough
Bruise on silk

A long road
A companion
A hand to hold

Hope and dreams
Fear and excitement
Adventure

We come alive
Like life in the seed
Like the forest fire
Like wilderness

The end to one search
An answer
A new road
A new direction

God smiles down
All is well at last!

Hits & Misses

2008-11-08T19:16:00.003+05:30

I am uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable because I made someone else uncomfortable. Someone I care about. That's saying the word "uncomfortable" too many times.

So we cut the crap.

Ever happened to you when you meet someone you know and in the first ten seconds of meeting that person you and that person try to figure out exactly how to greet each other. Its awkward. The person opens his arms to hug you and by then you've already stretched your hand out to shake his. And then you suddenly realise .. oops! and you open your arms and take one reluctant step forward and find his hand stretched aping you. Oops again!

Now try and recall that feeling. That's how I feel right now!

Ever cracked a joke and found you ended up insulting the person in front of you! Or the way round, when you didn't find the joke funny and the person realised that and acknowledged your reaction with slight embarrassment!

Its time for a walk.... to clear things!

Bags And Stuff

2008-11-07T23:56:00.003+05:30

There are somethings that are like a bag. The bag has no shape. Its white cloth. You put your hand in while you really can't see much of what you touch and feel inside the bag and then suddenly something pricks your finger. You quickly put pull your hand out and examine your finger where sits a tiny red dot that gets redder and angrier. You try and remember that there are good things too... inside the bag. Tough luck. We'll try again. And then you do. You put your hand in again. A little cautiously. You try and feel the things inside the bag. Odd shapes, smooth surfaces, A box, A bell, A chocolate maybe ... stuff. Odd stuff. And you are still guessing ... you still can't see anything. You know you should avoid sharp things, pointed things so you look for harmless feeling things coz you see... you still can't see inside the bag!

Know what I mean ?

I don't know who I am

2008-11-02T17:34:00.004+05:30

I have never been so angry for so long....without knowing the reason for it. I am consistently collecting guilt by the gallon and yet continuing on my bull in china shop routine with tender hearts around. Rot in hell.... yes I will. I know I should stop the nonsense but the expression of anger is so self consuming that I attack first and then sit reflecting on the damage. Every single rule is being broken. As if it is some suppressed desire. I am leaving my carefully constructed comfort zones. In fact I got out of them without even knowing it. A lot is changing (I am changing everything - consciously!) and I guess I have a bad reaction to it. I have become a stranger to those who have known me forever and also to myself. Unpredictable, Edgy, sarcastic, angry, Impatient. These days I am not what I know myself to be. Which brings me to a scary realisation. I am changing - at least right now - and I can't seem to help it.

I don't know myself anymore!

The Answer

2008-11-01T21:47:00.003+05:30

A struggle raging within

The crystal glass gets chipped

A tiny dream

A dark night

A single ray of sun shine

A hand in mine

A thought sails on a sigh

An old friend returns

Hides in a ghost

The ghost is a friend

Painted in a corner

The truth sits staring from the shelf

Love outside my window

Fear inside the closet

A sturdy shoulder

A firm grip

A stable mind

Fingers entwined with mine

A presence

Love and the long road home

An answer to some questions

A soul

A presence

The end of the road

Home

Kadhi, Dhokla & The Rest Of It!

2008-10-25T19:42:00.003+05:30

All around me I find that things are similar to each other, outcomes can be predictable. If you tune in, a lot is already explained and if you understand any one process, it can give you some hints to other processes. Lets say for example you want to make the lip smacking tasty "Kadhi". You would need to know that besan and curd need to be mixed well. So in case you were to put all the besan together, it would give you lumps of besan that would spoil the consistency of the dish. Its supposed to be a smooth paste that is then cooked. To get that paste, A - you need patience to put besan in small quantities while stirring the curd. B - You need to put all the other ingredients (salt, chilly powder, etc) in right quantities coz otherwise, you might have the damn consistency but the kadhi could either be salty or too hot.

Now I look at relationships (any kind, friends, loved ones, parents, etc). Its much like cooking. You need to pay attention. In case you don't, you may end up spoiling a perfectly good thing by overdoing something (too much salt/ sugar eh!). A certain pace is good as long its matched from both ends (consistency!). You savour it much like when you take the whiff of that delicious aroma that rises from the cooking vessel and envelops your kitchen and the rest of the house. A good relationship that is nurtured well taste as good if not better as the kadhi !!!!!!!!!! hahahhaha.

I can't help thinking food.... Dhokla is another example ... it needs just as much care or else it won't be soft and light!!!! Eating a dense piece of dhokla is like living through a relationship which has little communication. One will give you a stomach ache and the other will give you a headache.

Enough about food. Lets take the flow of blood in our body. As long as a body part continues to receive blood, it stays alive, has a certain colour of life to it. When not, it dies and sometimes has to be removed. Love is like that too. It brings life where it reaches. Sunlight. Flowers need it. People need love.

Oxygen. Money. A sheer necessity.

Working capital does for a corporation what blood does for the body and love does for the relationship or national highways to for the benefit f trade.

(I am feeling good about writing all this).

I have always looked at homes with curiosity. Mine, other peoples. I feel that there is always a certain part of the home that makes it a home from a house. The most alive part of the house. Much like the heart of the human body (indispensable). You take it away and the home suddenly becomes a house .. a building with a past. In my parents house there is no doubt about it. I know which part of the house gets maximum attention. The kitchen. Lots of memories. The aromas that come out of there sometimes bring neighbours into the house with wide grins. It bring us out of our cocoon like rooms and everyone eventually sticks around the kitchen. That's just the way it is. In some homes, its the bedroom. In some more, its the living room. Even in an office, have you noticed how a certain workstation or cabin gathers more crowd than the others. And when that person quits, things are never the same again.

Life I think brings a flow. Its when things stand still that they die. People die, relationships die.

I want to make kadhi/ dhokla and thereby I mean have loving relationships in my life.

Cheers!

On Love and Logic

2008-10-21T22:20:00.003+05:30

I have often spoiled things by asking too many questions. It just never occured to my poor brain that it should shut up. Not shut up on the outside (which I do) but shut up on the inside. One great spoil word is "Why". Most popularly used by yours truly. So much so that when someone expressed love ... yep..u got it.. I asked (to myself..thank god for small mercys) "why".

And then came the eureka moment. I discovered that feelings begin when the mind is shut out. Logic is incapable of comprehending the reasons of love.

I used to look at some friend of mine who "appeared" to be in love with a jerk (he was a jerk in my books only) and think to myself - why? what does she see in him? It never occured that jerk or not .... they suit eachother just fine.

The cause of sadness

2008-10-19T23:56:00.002+05:30

Right now heres what I am feeling - Sad!

I wish life were simpler. Feelings were not complicated. Guilt was not cultivated. Love was simpler.

And then I read this in the paper:-

There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them. --- By Anthony de mello.

Random Acts

2008-09-17T00:22:00.003+05:30

S left early morning and I overslept. Got up. Saw the time..***t! informed boss and rushed with the routine. Nice and fresh stood on the damn highway only to be ignored by damn autowalas for thirty minutes. A lost soul finally nodded in affirmative. The rest before him deserved eggs splattered on windshield. Losers! Man how I hate them. Anyway, was on the way lost in my own numbing thoughts when noticed the presence of a feeble old man standing at the intersection begging. In pouring rain the man had nothing covering his upper half. A sudden impulse and I yelled at the autowala to stop but he couldn't since the light had turned green and the horns had started blaring. Damn the impatience of everyone on roads. I had one apple. To break the fast in evening. Wanted to give it to that old man. Don't know why but was almost desperate, yelled to the old man and he tried to get closer but the auto was already pulling away. In a split second I took the decision to throw the packet with the apple inside at the old man. My last glimpse of him was his scared effort to retrieve the apple packet from the road while vehicles blared.
I had to close my eyes. Food is not supposed to be thrown. Food to others when given is never to be thrown. Its unforgivable. I don't know what went through me but it was unbearable. Maybe the thought I was not able to offer help in a fashion that I desired. Somehow this seemed bad. Flinging food at someone much older and much hungrier.

From madness to madness

2008-09-10T22:24:00.003+05:30

I fought with S. I am not talking to her. Turns out when I don't talk to her, I can't talk to myself either. Sad! Some fights are good. The blood rushes, you exercise your brain to cooperate with your tongue to get the right words out. And then there are serious fights. Ones that scare the hell out of you. You think, Oh shit! now what! Did she really think that, does she really mean it. Oh man, what will tomorrow be like.

Namaz during ramzan is must. All those years of watching dad pray five times a day. Watching him, give up all his fears and problems to the almighty to solve everyday. All these years, I never followed him. But now its different. Offering namaz reassures me that I am my fathers daughter. He never asked me to follow. And then there is that conversation with god at the end of every prayer. Where I talk, ask, reveal, realise. Where god says - Hmmmmmmmmm..... And I can hear that. It means someone is watching. Every small detail is watched. There is no hiding. You go to god with your conscience and say what you did. My dad is a lucky man, he knew all this for a long time. He never told me. Never forced. Perhaps he wanted me to find out on my own. A window to escape the madness.

screw it!

2008-09-09T22:54:00.002+05:30

There is something terribly wrong. All screwy dreams of late. Waking up with terrible images. A few days back, saw a jet crash right on its bloody nose in a big field. Got up and described to S who promptly suggested a head examination. I wonder if they'd find anything at all .. :-)

Then another one in which am living in a dilapidated grey building that is crumbling in pouring rain! Weird, I even had guests over.....

Anyway anyway!

Was watching Sex and the city. Surprising how they cover a lot of what women think across the world. There was this scene where a mother announces that her son is a god and that she tells him that everyday. The red haired woman (one of the lead four) then says to SJP - "Thirty years from now what are the chances that some poor woman can make Charlie a happy man? I think I will go with zero" ... hahhahahaahha The world is same same ... everywhere......

Anyway anyway!

My window and my god

2008-09-07T16:10:00.003+05:30

I sat by a large window
The world at large
Sunlight and kids running
Worried mothers
Busy dads
The usual hum of silent progress

And the window grew
And engulfed me whole
Spit me out on the other end
And Its difficult to get back
Everything is unknown
Scary
All i use is instinct

Struggling to put across all that is going on
Not really succeeding
The melody is not fine
Its not music
Not yet

Which means that the link is not complete
the bridge between feelings and thoughts is not good enough

So often lost
I speak with god
And ask shamelessly
For that that seems outside the grip

God gives me a patient hearing
For I am the child that often returns

Finding Myself

2008-08-11T23:20:00.003+05:30

The distance between a feeling
And this page
Is immeasurable

The pause when I try and collect
A million popping vanishing thoughts
Feelings in turmoil.

Finger tightly clasped
Entwined
Words buried
Under heavy feelings

A thought
A line
A bend in the road
A glimpse of the old days
A scared glance at the future

A frog in the throat
Utterly confused
Rain out side my window
A dark dripping night

Desperate attempt
To bridge the gap
And find myself again

S.A.

Absolute Random Walk In The Woods

2008-08-09T20:41:00.007+05:30

A disturbed/ distracted mind is quite incapable of enjoying the moment. Exercise, Namaz, meditation come to mind when I think of solutions.

I realise I will rot in hell... spoke rudely with mom. I love her.

I wish I could be Forrest Gump. Simple.

‘We look before and after,
And pine for what is not:
Our sincerest laughter
With some pain is fraught;
Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.’

Spoke with Mom on phone. She seems to have completely forgotten my rudeness earlier or as usual... I have been forgiven. I will still rot in hell! For I am undeserving of her love and her forgiveness.

Money!!!! Hmmmmm.... there is this thing about money. Its power is scary. I prefer to keep my distance... a respectful one at that! Money like fame eventually evaporates and more over, you can't take it to the grave so why bother!

Its Saturday. The bank would be closed tomorrow. After a much enjoyed extended afternoon nap, to my sheer horror, I realised that the wall clock was running an hour late. Hurriedly made tea, gave instructions to the bai, woke S up and rushed to the bank. Only half hour left for them to close for the day. Finished the job in twenty minutes. Was riding my activa back home. There is this particular stretch where construction workers have built temporary huts. The families, elders, children all sit together and chat. It was rather dark now but on earlier occasions, I have seen food being cooked, children running around, the usual hustle and bustle of a large household. These people must face the rain and the shine both. I am sure its not easy.
It may be weird, but at times their presence takes me to Nanpara, my grandfather's house. The large house with big rooms and high ceilings. A place that time has not changed much. A house that is packed with very happy childhood memories. A house that now pains me because my father is not able to live there but is deeply attached to.
The togetherness of these people by the road makes me want to stop by. But I know I can't do that. Stop and say what... that I'd like to sit with you all here and have chai. I envy them. When it rains and mumbai rains can get bad with all the water logging... I am sure they have trouble.
A week back on a particular day, office was closed at half day and people were asked to leave since water had reached dangerous levels. I rushed home. Later I learnt that on that day, there were two casualties .... in my neighbourhood!!! A child who accidently slipped and fell into a manhole and an old poor woman who could not find shelter.
That day I cried sitting in my "dry" living room. I felt devoid of the joy that comes in helping other people. I despise a selfish existence.

Penny for thoughts!

2008-08-03T23:06:00.002+05:30

I admit to myself that at times I am scared of myself. I am scared of what I am capable of doing. Often a choice presents itself like a fork in the road and we make a reasonable decision, one thats in our best interest. I always prefer to make decisions with one eye on the future. But I also know that I am pefectly capable of making a short term gain and long term loss. Perfectly capable of making a mistake. And that scares me. Mistakes usually are very attractive before you make them :-)

Something else I read also caught my attention. Somebody said that if you're not having fun in doing what you do then you are doing something wrong. Ambition is good but don't let it burn you. You need to be happy when you get there and not burned up. That makes perfect sense!

Thoughts Quotes and More

2008-07-20T21:53:00.003+05:30

There is a pause between me and a blank page and in this case the "create post" window. I have often been disturbed by something that doesn't really surface but yet lurks behind in my mind. It doesn't translate into words so I can do something about it. Life does exist in greys.

It occurred to me that I should perhaps not be disappointed when thoughts don't come through as words for me to put on my blog or journal. When I get frustrated by my apparent failure I ignore what happens in that pause. The impregnated pause that makes me pick my thoughts, examine them, turn them over in my mind to see what lies beneath them and to discover a feeling or two.

I read quotable quotes religiously in the sunday paper. Very thought provoking. So thought provoking that I thought to myself - watching a route chalked out on a map is quite different than travelling and discovering it by experience. A quotable quote is like that. Someone else's lived through wisdom. I may have read hundreds but how many did I arrive at? Perhaps only a handful. So my life is enriched only by a handful of these truths. What we read.. we often forget. Chances of forgetting are drastically low when one goes through the experience of arriving at a conclusion which when quoted goes into the sunday papers' Quotable quotes. I would like to arrive at these conclusions... as many as possible.

The mind is free but the body is enslaved by the elements that put it together. It responds to the immediate surroundings. Its a fine balance between the two - the mind and the body. Some days I experience myself being tilted to one in comparison to another. For neither my mind nor my body are bound to me.

The most endearing of truths are simple and not complicated. The source of happiness that I seek is always available to me. It lies with me but am I capable to deal with it? Today I feel a certain calm inside. A leveling of thoughts. A subsiding of feelings that are often in turmoil. I can enjoy it better when I know for certain that this balance will not last. Its here right now for me and I should live in the moment. Its a liberating feeling. The noise around and the constant pressure of everyday life blocks out that inner guiding voice. The voice that constantly whispers to you and tells you what you truly want.

Several years ago the first time I laid my eyes on the famous "No Fear" logo on a car; I said to myself - what is this? Now when I see it. I see it in completely different light. My relationship with fear is rather personal you see. I have found myself a constant companion of fear. It took me maybe twenty six years to realise this one truth about myself. It took me more time to realise that until you find it, you can't deal with it. And then to realise that even though I try to face my usual fears, I fail quite often. I also realise that I feel on top of the world whenever I have conquered any one fear of mine - For instance the fear of intimacy or the fear of expressing feelings or the fear of appearing idiotic or the fear of being judged and many more (I have a list). And so I never stop trying. In fact its amusing when I realise I am scared of something. For when I found fear, I also found that god was generous with me in courage. So you see, I now understand and respect and admire that logo of "No Fear". In fact I downright love it :-)

Juxtaposition of opposites

2008-07-20T14:36:00.003+05:30

There are somethings that exist in twos. It appears as if one won't exist without the other. Opposites joined together. Happiness and sadness. Sometimes one blends into the other and causes feelings unlike anything else. The degree too is matched. When you feel extreme happiness or joy, you also are warned that its absence can cause equally matched grief. Risk takers know that by experience. The greatest of heights risk the greatest of falls. One is meaningless without the other.

I ponder over a few thoughts. Questions mostly? The kinds that stir you and sit there watching you think. One is that if one has the capacity to hold on to truth come what may, will that person also carry the courage and capacity to lie if he chooses to?

A person needs courage to succeed? I call it courage because the risk of defeat is involved.

Do things always exist in equal proportions or can one outweigh the other. who knows.

Can a big victory defy a small defeat? A big lie concealing a small truth? Love as opposed to hatred and love as opposed to indifference... what is a better opposite and which is more appropriate?

Why do some people attract me while others put me off? Is it the other person or is it me? Or is it both?

To S..with love

2008-07-12T21:05:00.002+05:30

By ee cummings

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)

I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is doneby only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which growshigher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

The almost perfect weekend

2008-07-12T20:18:00.002+05:30

I happen to change the definition of perfect quite often. It being a Saturday I enjoyed getting up late and being served "bed tea" !!!! Last nights' mammoth headache had vanished.. thankfully! For once I told myself... don't be stupid... nobody wrote to you over the past two days... so don't even bother checking your emails... ha!". And so... the next task (and I always have some of em) was to think how many bills are still to be payed. What time does the electricity office close? Which ATM drop box would take the cheques for gas. How much time do I have? Breakfast? not now. Enquiry about the gym? Find out how far is the gym from home? How? Well!! travel there and then you'd know. what about the bills? Idiot! pay 'em on the way. Groceries!!! Buy them from a supermarket near the gym...cool... Ah! weekend! Only so few things to do!!!!!
Anyway... there is nothing like an afternoon nap after a good lunch and a good movie. So off I went to that lovely cozy bed and caught some zzzzzzzzzzz! S is out. Meeting an old friend for lunch. Somehow that lunch got extended to coffee and time pass and she isn't back yet!

I am talking about all this. While the back end processor is on... I don't mean anything other than a remote section of my brain... the one that really screws up my thoughts!

I have recently been advised that one should not speak straight up. Let me explain. Supposed someone at work asks you..what are you doing tomorrow. And you say nothing. and then they say... well then get prepared you are going and meeting so and so since they need our services. And now you can't protest that its a weekend and you don't want to work since you already told them that you aren't doing anything! So basically... you got yourself screwed..simply because you gave a straight answer. Now imagine that someone asks you again... "what are you doing tomorrow" and you say - "why do you ask". They say.."so and so client wants to meet someone from our company since they need our services" and you say.." well I could meet them on Monday". So what is the smart thing to do? Go with the second option. Always! particularly at work.

Anyway..anyway..anyway

Thats it for now. Oh .... and have you seen this flick called "A lot like love".... bit** of a good movie.... !

To Mr.B

2008-06-21T13:16:00.006+05:30

I am not a movie buff. I am not crazy about film stars. But off late I am getting to know a legend in a new fashion. His name is a household name. As household a name as the Kissan ketchup bottle that has been around forever or at least 29 years. He writes a blog. Someone told me to check it out saying its a good read. And so I was this casual visitor to his new domain - his blog. I was unprepared for what happened next. How I felt was something like witnessing an intense intelligent process. It was like participating in someones personal transition. Being part of that persons awareness. It was not possible to stay a witness. The sheer honesty of purpose, the grace and dignity reflected through the words chosen caught me off guard. Beauty in things has that effect on me. I am blown to bits. He wrote in complete and unfailing honesty. Straight from his heart to the reader. He did not write for the effect he would have. He just wrote for himself.

I am also wondering about my need to declare that I am not a movie buff. I am just a sucker for beautiful minds, where ever I find them. Intelligence delivered.

Its important that I admit this. Way back when lady Diana died. I cried watching television. And I kept thinking, will this person that we consider a permanent fixture of our house, one day be gone. The answer brought shocked tears. Why. He will probably never read this piece. How can I love this man who reminds me of the ketchup bottle that I love too. (Mr.B, my apologies if you ever read this, I didn't mean to offend by using the kissan ketchup example!).

There are so many individuals out there. What makes one succeed and not the other. I think it applies in every field - conviction, principles, clarity in what our desires are and what we want to do about them, faith, good intentions, courage, integrity are the essential ingredients. And then of course, one has to have an eye on the possibilities that arise out of choices. We are responsible for what we do with the choices we have.

Choice - Wildflowers Vs Ulcers

2008-05-24T11:57:00.004+05:30

Was it Gandhiji who wrote - My experiments with truth!

Well...what an apt title for my new book or short story or essay.... oh heck... just a small write up ...but like all good things its already taken...by good ol' GJi

I notice that whenever I am in a new situation, the urge to ape someone else whom I may have seen in a similar spot takes over. So hypothetically speaking- Say I am in conversation with someone in my team. And we have a disagreement on an issue, what are our options.... (1) I recall my first boss five years ago and step into her shoes and then I yell on top my lungs coz I am the boss and get my way (2) I behave like yet another boss and don't even bother about the disagreement and let it go ... coz I don't bother either way. (3) My ego kicks in and I behave exactly like a ***ch that female bosses are anyway made out to be and get my way.

And then there was the last option... (4) to be just me.

Its a scary decision but I was glad I took it. I realise that if you don't work with your team and just like playing boss coz you happen to be, your team will align themselves to that. But if you can shed that picture that bosses don't make mistakes, well... its a lot of fun. Everybody learns together. I also think that you don't really have to be the mystery boss who doesn't share the reason behind their decisions. Its a good thing to share the logic with your team, who knows they might after all come up with a better alternative. I am proud of myself, particularly when I realise that I can handle situational feelings ... anger, frustration, even extreme happiness. Patience is a good thing. Destructive ego - very bad. Keep it in check and you'd steer clear of half the miseries.

The people I work with teach me a lot about myself. They give feedback - verbal, non-verbal.

I recently attended a meeting with a very senior manager at a firm. Ten minutes into the meeting, I realised that I was sitting with all my muscles taut. And I asked myself, what about this person in front of you is making you tense. And suddenly, that changed. It was silly but his designation was scaring me and I could see the other people respond similarly. They were all super attentive and very tense too. I sat back in my chair and just treated him at a human level then on. Funny how designations can elevate people in other peoples minds. I could concentrate more on what I had to say and thattt! I couldn't afford to mess up!

At yet another place I was dealing with an old gentleman from the fauji background. Being from a similar background, I always feel at home with such people. They are the best people to be on a negotiating table with. They have patience. They mostly look at your face when they talk. They treat you like a lady. They usually aren't shrewd. So, here's another insight, for some reason of my own, since I feel comfortable with these people, I automatically am less guarded with them, which means that there is more trust which further means that I bring positive energy to the negotiating table. And the other side can always sense positivity and its usually contagious. So maybe I should practice trusting my opponent a little and see where it goes. hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Atlas needs to shrug

2008-05-11T19:44:00.002+05:30

How many times have you done something that you had to muster all of your willpower to do simply because it had to be done. How many times would you have looked at people returning home and released all the weight on your shoulders on a sigh. Does it ever happen to you that you hug a loved one and choke up but know not the reason. Everyday I do at least one task that requires a huge effort and I find so many reasons to prod myself that sometimes I just do it .... without thinking. If this is what growing up was all supposed to be about, I am afraid I am not having too much fun. The party must be happening elsewhere for sure. I am exhausted today in every possible conceivable believable way!Atlas needs to shrug!

Trivia

2008-04-26T11:35:00.003+05:30

Have you ever had that feeling that the moment you are in is actually huge but it doesn't appear that way.... you know the defining moment which resulted in your choosing a single direction instead of all the other options......somehow I can spot those moments but only in hindsight.... I can actually see it as one huge map with all these lines going everywhere and my path chosen by the choices I have made seems crystal clear complete with those little red flags saying you took this major turn here and that turn there. Its all so clear. Of course not all decisions were right but then, you either take a call and choose your own course or someone else will do it for you. I have to my credit all of the good decisions and also all of the not so good ones. I don't think there are any bad decisions, simply because we always always always take the option that best suits us at that moment and we do it with all the limited information we have and where we stand on that fine balance of the emotional logic verus simple reason.

........ and as usual I continue on my natural inclination to talk sense and sound reasonable. Although what I really need is this --- dfmbfbfkfkjnkfnfnlflmmfmfefkekd. Yes, thats right. I need to just talk crap. I spend probably thirteen hours a day for five days a week trying to make sense of what people are saying to me (sometimes it includes what they are not saying)and trying to explain logic in small things to them... the "my side of the story".

I wish to be les thn perfct fr a chnge.Henc I shal nw tlk abt thngs tht may nt mke sens bt I lke thm fr som resun. Fr instnce I lik da loooong ride hom in a crauded lokal wth stnding room onely. ppl r caind 2 u if u hav biin standing 4r 45 mins without stepping on dem. dey wud giv upp their ceet 4r da las 10 mins auf da ride. Oh an that pheels gud.

I lik da experiments I du in da kitchen an mor so when the results are good.

I like the 4th raund auf my jogg when evry masal in mi body is screaming for me to stop and I dont.

I like tu c a warm feeling flood mi wen i talk tu an ol frend aftur a long time and ve hav this long conversaion about evrything andar da sun.

Oh an I lauuu paani poori.........

The me that changes so much that I can't keep Track

2008-04-11T20:09:00.006+05:30

I am unable to shake off this feeling of being a part of the larger picture where I see that not everything that happens around me is something that I have actively designed. This is not deliberate but I end up keeping quiet for a long time. That's the only time I spend with me. what I see and observe is getting stacked somewhere between the ears. I often don't feel like disturbing the view by becoming a participant. It fun to find patterns. A really long time ago a very old teacher had told me that those who can relate one thing to another would always know more. And I find myself walking that road. Always on the look out to find similar patterns in things around. From the human behaviour to human body to the universe. From god to fear and from love to indifference. And I get glimpses of mysteries that reveal themselves in strange ways and moments. Sometimes I feel really wise and then there are moments of sheer and absolute stupidity. I experience too much at times. Sometimes how I feel liberates me while on some days I am a chained slave to my self.

I find myself on a head on collision with my own head. I recently turned vegetarian. People who know me well have given varied responses. There were all shades - There was surprise, there was accusation that I am turning into a Buddhist and hence the vegetarianism, there was appreciation, there was excitement (How long they ask!).... and so on and so forth. To the relentless "whys", I said - just like that. To those who actually wait for an answer I said the truth - I had to defeat my mind which had announced to me that girl... you can never leave non veg while your mother continues to make biryani. Ha! I won..... its been four months already.

There is something else I learnt, when you feel an incredible temptation, its a great high when you let it flood your mind and then instruct it that desire will not turn to action. Hence, I can smell a great biryani, see it, appreciate my moms love that she puts into it, find myself gulping and swallowing saliva that can fill a bucket and yet not eat a morsel of it. That feeling is so good... to know that I am the boss and that's different from that ruthless thing between my ears.

There are moments of great sadness. When I see the cold places of the world. By that I don't mean the north pole or simla but rather that road divider where a very old woman stood crying for twenty minutes because nobody would stop and help her cross the road. I found myself a completely helpless observer. It was a wretched feeling and I can't get rid of it. I don't want to either.

I have been with myself. I realise that I am learning (painfully slowly) that beyond a certain point, nothing can affect you. I don't mean it in a negative way. Can an accusation hurt someone. Yes but it doesn't have to. If my self worth and confidence finds its source in me and not the other person then yes, nobody can hurt me, not even me. Also, what I am is not what I do. That links with dignity of labour. Do I have a right to feel superior or arrogant in front of a janitor. If I do, then probably I am the lowest of the kind that crawls on this planet.

Trust, I taught myself that when I trust another, I am able to experience that person better and they always sense it and respond in similar way. This lead to the belief that the world is not full of bad people. Its how I am that I am will see others.

When all this goes on in my head, a natural prerequisite is silence, not just in the room, but within. And so.......... I don't talk all that much.

I think I am just about ready for an out-of-body experience. Ha!

2008-03-09T01:28:00.000+05:30

Distance

2008-02-11T23:18:00.000+05:30

I experience this today:-

I heard a voice that came from someone else. I thought the source was very near but it was actually very very far away but as usual my mind was upto its usual tricks. I saw a picture that had bright vivid colors. I had to take a hundred steps back to realise that the size of the picture in my mind is relative to the distance I put between myself and the image. I can almost never find the right distance. I can almost never find the right distance. I burn or I freeze...

Hurrah! You're here too ;-)

2008-02-01T22:50:00.000+05:30

Welcome to Bombay!

The way I see it

2008-01-29T00:05:00.001+05:30

iamanidiotiamanidiotiamanidiotiamanidiotiamanidiot

iamanidiotiamanidiotiamanidiot

i am an idiot!

Assorted Chocolates

2008-01-27T19:32:00.000+05:30

A blank page is an invitation. I am taking one right now. I have a box of assorted chocolates and lets have some right now. Some I may like and some to my horror I would know that I don't like only after they've melted on my tongue.

All of my yesterdays, my today and all of my tomorrows are in my fist. I open the palm of my hand and they begin to slide. I don't exactly fit the bill. Dressed in really sad looking purple pajamas under an over grown, safety-pinned, night gown with yellow and white socks and an oiled head. A large omelette, three cups of tea, some fruit including a banana, some bread and cheese stretched through the day. A movie too. I am far from the sight of successful and sexy. A bit of the first but too far away from the second. Nuts about all the wrong things and that includes imported cheese cubes.

I have been trying to ask myself what do I find in cooking. I mean why am I so into it. And my cruel mind throws this back - what else do you have sweets???? Hmmmmmmm. I still don't mind. Yes its true.... cooking calms me down. Sorts my head and the traffic therein. Gives me something constructive to do and helps me maintain this perfect image of a responsible sibling who doesn't starve the younger kid to death.

Superman. I have to tell you abou this too. You know in the movie "Superman returns" when superman takes off and goes to the outerspace and just hangs in there. Just closes his eyes and relaxes. I thought - Oh wow! Wish I could go someplace that was just as peaceful and quiet. Away from the crowd and noise and people and my own thoughts.

Have you ever day dreamed. I have..... bringing myself back is always a problem though. I could be listening to someone and my mind could be playing a movie..... multi-processing you see. Though this is something I am not proud of and have changed to some extent.

Balancing Act

2008-01-20T12:41:00.000+05:30

Thou shall kid yourself not! and yet I humor myself. I am reminded of that Sanskrit exam that I used to dread from the moment the time table arrived. I would not even touch the notes for I knew that I the moment I pick it up, it would eat me up whole and spit me out on the exam paper. I used to delay the preparation for this paper till the very end. At the eleventh hour, I would memorize everything and understand very little. And promptly allow myself to forget every word right after the exam. Everything was stored on RAM. No permanent storage allowed.

I am dreading some thoughts now. Not allowing myself to look at whats already taken shape. Somewhere my tricky mind says that if you ignore it just a while longer, it would dissolve into nothingness. But that's not true and I am learning that by experience.

At times one has to go through the struggle to free oneself from the bondage of thoughts. Not everything can be changed the way we want it to be. Desire and aversion. Desire and aversion. The misery continues. Break the circle and you are free.

I am ahead in my private battle to not disown myself for the cravings that I have nor berate myself for the dislikes I have for things around. Just to reach that ever fine balance to acknowledge whats there and then to wait it out without being disturbed. And at times its fun. To watch yourself change moment to moment. To see the intensity of your desire change and turn into a milder form of itself and then get completely replaced by yet another intense feeling and that too starts changing. My search to find my own limits. Of just about anything. Of how much I can take and how much I can give. And what can be given or taken. who starts it and where does it end.

All this jumble of words. Some missing of course. The story is always half told!

Never Mind !!!

2008-01-07T23:13:00.000+05:30

I don't listen to everything that my moronic brain throws at me. Sometimes it says such atrocious things that its hard to believe that these crazy illogical thoughts have originated between "my" ears.

Off late, I've had at least one minor victory over my anger. My gym membership expired in Dec-07. Now, it was an utter waste of money Coz I couldn't find the time for it. Anyhow, I managed for two months with long gaps in between and then finally gave up and watched hard earned money go down the drain. That hurt. Trust me! And I kept thinking these people haven't called even once to ask if I am alive and alright. Nobody called to ask why I've stopped coming. And then I thought, sure... they'll call. After they realise that the membership has expired for this moron who made 100% one time payment. And then they'll call. So I did border on rage when the call came after the membership was one week into its expiry date.

I calmed me down and told this nice gentleman who called me that I am not renewing my membership. He asked why.. he had to... So I told him that I was expecting his call before the membership expired. I told him you guys are so many people as a team and not one single person called to ask why haven't I turned up for four weeks in a row. Not one person.

I didn't say this with anger. Although I felt it. I said this with lets a little bit of sadness. The guy apologised instead of being defensive. I told him, you guys are a team. So don't apologise for everyone. But in the end, it makes a deference if the client sees a team effort and I told him its not any one persons fault. He had to say something coz I was just so right and he couldn't help it. So he said actually ma'am, our computer crashed sometime back. I let him. I said I yeah sure, I understand. I think he knows I didn't buy that. But thats okay.

I realise, sometimes, you should just lay your cards out on the table and you instantly get through the defensiveness barrier. But then, you've got to take the risk first :)

Madness and Rush and little bit of everything else!

2008-01-05T16:39:00.001+05:30

My feelings ran away from me..........again!

They ran and went some place I was running away from.

And I waited for the rush to subside...... it did.

Like it always does.

And then I geared up for it again.

And we play this game.........every other day..

Most days I win.

Some days the madness does.

I know running away doesn't help.

But neither does staying.

A Slow Walk

2008-01-01T11:12:00.000+05:30

Slowing down is a good thing. I now see sunlight change colors. I see the pace of my relationships. I find the time to respond to the bends in the road. I see the road I want to take.

I see the space that people create in a friendship. I see them change that space. And while I am involved, I still can see it all from the outside. I see things happening to me and to those around me. I realise, I can't help someone else. That they too have all the answers but they aren't used to productive silence of the mind. I watch myself change the things I want to change and let go of some of the others.

I watch relationships being built and I have the time and pace to decide where I want to be an observer and where I want to get involved.

Because I can keep quiet, I find little reason to disturb the silence within.

I have found the roots and they hold well for now.

I lead myself to where ever I desire to go. Only earlier that was not a conscious event.

I love DAD :-)

2007-12-24T23:48:00.000+05:30

We race with our dad. Me and S. Be it professional achievement or a brisk walk at the race course. He beats us in both. I love my dad. For the man he has been and still is. He hasn't received any great medals or been in the papers. But to him there is no joy greater than the love of his daughters. Nothing. He has taught me everything about dealing with the world outside. S and I have taught him how to be gentle. He is a man of discipline. Somebody I've grown up seeing wake up at five every morning day after day after day. He offers namaz five times. And yet he never imposed any religious practice on us. We were free to follow or not. We didn't. He did not and does not still ask us to follow him. Initially I didn't want to do it. Now I realise that one of the reasons behind his tremendous positive energy and compassion is the five times praying ritual.

Dad works very hard. He is fair. He won't keep a poor man's money. He treats his customers and employees with equal respect. I have seen him demonstrate that.

At 55+ he has managed to start a new professional career and is mashallah doing well. S and I are still dazed at the sheer speed and energy with which he runs his ship. At 55!!!!

Dad is amazing. In the years when he could not indulge himself in luxuries of expensive clothes or travel, We didn't hear him complain even once. Although he has seen such success is his previous career that it would have been difficult for any man. But dad has never been ungrateful to god. He truly is a creature that Allah himself must be fond of. The sheer spirit of the man who bows his head and accepts everything that comes along. A man who doesn't let money control him. A man who can be strong and soft at the same time. A man who brought up his daughters and taught them the skills they need in the real world outside.

To me he is the man who gave me his scooter and car to wreck. Who told me that you must travel by public transport and at one point of time I used to believe that I can't. He told me that never say no to the man who comes to you for help. I don't ever recall anybody ever going back without being helped. ever! He taught us unintelligible words that might as well have come out from a baby's mouth. All of them are expressions of love. He is the guy who send smiley faces in smses to his girls. He sends cute two word messages while we slave away at our offices and that one sms brightens up the entire day. He has come up with innumerable nick names for each of us in the family.

My dad loves to pamper himself. He actually loves himself almost as much as he loves us. And he treats himself very well. My dad knows how to stay happy. He doesn't drive the finest of cars but when he wears his smart new clothes and sits behind the steering of his old faithful Fiat, the way he beams, he could be sitting behind the wheel of a Merc!

What can you take away from a man who has given himself every joy.

He can laugh at the fact that he doesn't have to worry too much about a haircut (for obvious reasons!). He almost manages to listen without interrupting his daughters who sometimes lose their cool particularly in a disagreement.

He taught us that money isn't everything but being happy is. He taught us not to judge people by their bank accounts or the cars that they drive. He and mom have never ever been stingy when it comes to cooking for other people. They both like to cook !

He is uncomfortable around showoffs. But sometimes he Bragg's about the food that he cooks and when we tell him that or make of him, he laughs with us.

Sometimes he worries a bit too much but then he says you aren't in my shoes so you wouldn't know.

Dad - he can roar like a lion and coo like baby. Its unbelievable. We sometimes call him sharekhan and sometimes he is just papu ;)

And and S has got him wrapped around her little finger for the last 24 years. Although there are times when I think its the other way round.

Wandering Ghost

2007-11-27T22:45:00.001+05:30

...........Don't you know me at all!

If you've seen the movie "Great Expectations"; you'd know this is what he said to her when she asked to be forgiven for breaking his heart.

Sometimes.... desires are like cars. You take a ride and you want it to go somewhere. But often enough the destinations keep moving. Sometimes, the faster and harder we drive, farther the destination goes.

So many times I had envisioned this. And they say when you really want something that bad, it happens. I now look back and realise that I already passed that crossroad. And I didn't even realise!!!! Blinded goddamn fool that I am.

Chasing a desire is so painful at times, esp when you realise that the distance has only been increasing instead of the opposite. And still I keep going, tirelessly. Hope - what a funny word and what it can do to you.

I stand today, laughing at myself for being the illogical fool who would run from crossroad to crossroad until one day, I turn into a ghost that has gone all over the place and found no resting ground.

While I sit here laughing at that idiot inside, I feel a little affection too. Fools are forgiven and then loved. That's what I do to that ghost inside that won't listen to my reasons coz its heart can't be put back together.

Al Pacino - The Man, The Legend

2007-11-25T22:32:00.000+05:30

Don Corleone: ".........I'll make him an offer he can't refuse"

A steady look in the eyes. The quiet confidence of a jungle cat. A voice that exudes confidence of a measure that instilled fear in those who had wronged him and gave hope to those who came to him. Al Pacino (Don Michael Corleone) - the man - the alpha male - the young Don. The grace of movement, the style of a man who knew his power, the sex appeal, the character that wouldn't be if not for this charismatic man who played this role.

Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade - Al Pacino - Scent of a woman.........

A woman would come alive just by the way he spoke and what he said or the way he looked at her even though all he could do was smell and feel. The dignity with which he would speak to her. Every woman is a queen and boy did he remind em of this little detail. Not to forget the way he stood up for Charlie Simms (Chris O'Donnell) at the school disciplinary committee.

Al Pacino - the legend.

I think you can't be a fine actor unless you choose to observe and feel and experience and learn to be the character you play. So if the character is a don, you got to believe in that character and then play it like life. How different would Al Pacino be from the powerful charismatic sexy confident Michael Corleone. Probably very different. Or maybe not. Maybe there are shades of it in him... in varying degrees. In scent of a woman, he speaks of women with reverence (well almost!). Like god has been kind to men and thats why men can enjoy a women' company. He spoke of women in way that said that women can be nothing but beautiful gorgeous beings. My mind has a permanent imprint of this fine actor that would remind me that life is beautiful because there are people who create beauty in what they do.

To Al Pacino - the sexiest man! Cheers!

Random thoughts of an ever restless mind........

2007-11-17T01:50:00.000+05:30

What is the opposite of love? I don't think it is hate. I think there is something worse than hate that exists in men today .......... It is indifference. Indifference means I don't acknowledge that you occupy space that I breathe in. The worst place to find it is in the eyes of men you thought you knew.

I look around and I see people carrying - mobiles, laptops, shiny cars, lots of money. When the noise goes down, I hear them say - talk to me/ look at me/Hear me out/ Make me happy.

When you are surprised, check your premises......... one of them has to be wrong.........

The most satisfying sight is of a man or a woman who is free from fears....... the next most beautiful thing is to see self confidence. That's why children are beautiful, they truly believe that they can be whoever they want to be.

Beauty does lie in the eyes of the beholder..........

Slow burn

2007-11-12T20:31:00.001+05:30

The night sky burns tonight
For the star dust is burning white
Aglow is the earth and the mountains therein
A distant shimmering sight

The breeze carries the embers
Distant corners of a diwali night
A river smokes and glows alone
With the burning white light

The night burns slow
A slow walk to nothingness
I step in and become it
Slowly burning away

2007-11-09T15:46:00.000+05:30

Who am I?

Why am I here?

Where will I go?

What else is there to know?

Baz Luhrmann - Everybody Needs (Sunscreen)

2007-11-08T19:39:00.000+05:30

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 99...

Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experienceI will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years youll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.Youre not as fat as you imagine.

Dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Dont be reckless with other peoples hearts, dont put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Dont waste your time on jealousy; sometimes youre ahead, sometimes youre behindthe race is long, and in the end, its only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Dont feel guilty if you dont know what you want to do with your lifethe most interesting people I know didnt know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds know still dont.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, youll miss them when theyre gone.

Maybe youll marry, maybe you wont, maybe youll have children, maybe you wont, maybe youll divorce at 40, maybe youll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversarywhat ever you do, dont congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either your choices are half chance, so are everybody elses. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can dont be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, its the greatest instrument youll ever own..

Dance even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you dont follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when theyll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do youll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Dont expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Dont mess too much with your hair, or by the time its 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen...