Like a river in rains

Like a river in rains

My emotions twist and turn and sometimes simmer

On other occasions they simply boil over

They peep from moist eyes

Sometimes they hide in the shiver of the voice

Often I feel them in my throat

At times in my stomach lurching with every spoken word

They hide behind the stories I keep

They threaten to embarrass me in crowded rooms

They at times bulldoze my audience

And then there are days when they wait

To pounce on me while I go about my business

Catching me unprepared

A laugh unworthy of the joke

A gripping anxiety that fights against courage

A joy that seems to burst at the seams

A tear drop that falls untimely and without a ceremony to go with it

My head quietly watches the drama

Laughs at the comedy going on

I have a strange suspicion

It must be all the conversations I never had with myself

I pace and give myself time

To just be

To just be me

A Planet and a comet

You - were a planet to me
Breaking my speed, my gait, my trail,
Involuntarily you drew me in
I burned on shivering nights and foggy mornings
So different are we
Two strangers
We don't know the other
And yet the intimacy of what you do to me
Pulling me in
I circle around
Doomed to collapse eventually
Your mild touch and a look
Your carefree attention
You turn my attention like
sunflowers slowly turning to face the sun
You turn me in..to you
A shared laugh
My tension with your proximity
This may be a dream
And I will wake up
And continue to be the comet that I am
And you will remain the planet that I passed by
Unwatched by the world
But you will know & So will I
That I passed you by
And burned you too in my wake

Your intimate body

There are so many things that occupy us... and by occupy, I mean live inside us. They travel in our minds and explore our senses. A book for one is one such thing. It sleeps close to your hand and watches you intently when you sigh while reading it. A thought that stays in your mind and traverses the nooks and corners that it lights up ... or darkens. A feeling that enters you from your ears or your eyes or your luscious mouth and decides it wants to stay a while and know you better. A sorrow that enters your bones and weakens them. So intimate is our life with things such as these. Guests that stay whether you like it or not. A silence that whispers in your ears all day while you continue dealing with the mundane ordinary things - the driving to work, buying groceries. You continue to watch your self - a host to many things. And this goes on... for a long time. And then one day it is time for you to leave and these guests that stayed a little and made room for other new things to enter you would leave in a rush... the last departing guests will leave you with your breath and a sigh. And just like that you will be gone and the hotel that your body was will be empty.

Power Trips

I have a relatively flat learning curve. I am comparing myself to my own vision of myself as a intelligent superior more evolved person. But there are moments when I am amazed at my own behaviour and the way I handle certain situations. I was recently bullied into doing something that I did not want to do. Was I scared to submit? No. Was I afraid of not being liked for saying no? No way, I got rid of that one some time ago. Shouldn't I have been ripping mad that some F**kwit was trying to threaten me with his influence. Normally that's my usual first reaction. Outrage. Not fear but outrage.

So I did feel outraged. Yes I did want pull this guys entire teeth out of his mouth without anaesthesia.
I know - gross!

But what I am surprised with is that my anger was quickly replaced by my rational brain that was guiding my tongue. I told the chap to take a hike. Told him he is most welcome to carry out his threat. It would be very amusing. This changed his attitude. The tone changed. I made fun of him, laughed and joked about him being crazy to use undue influence. I don't like the fact that I agreed to do what he was asking. My ego took a beating a little bit and this voice in my head says you caved. But I know that this person was taken aback by my challenge. Had he simply requested in the first place I would've done the needful.

Lesson for him - you don't have to threaten people when a simple please does the job.

Lesson for me - Learn to bully the bully and they automatically learn some manners.

I am proud of the fact that I didn't get my rage get the better of me. This could've turned out very differently. But this was good practice for next time when someone comes threatening or throwing their weight around.

My Little Selfish Self

The thing about fears is that they can take you on a jolly good ride and you wont even know you are on it. Pessimists are miserable people for they let their fears take over and predict next ten years of doom with complete confidence.

I have been an ass I realise.

Life will never turn out as worse as I imagine it to be. On the contrary some of my past fears appear so stupid. But then I have forgiven myself for being lost once in a while.

People change when the change brings them comfort or when they feel loved for the change they bring in themselves. At the bottom of it all, we remain utterly selfish in our needs, desires and wants. Love, money, attention, time, praise - I would want everything. And what will I not give to be perceived in a certain manner.

Such an utterly mundane and selfish existence - this - mine!

 

The Death Of Free Spirit

What once stood tall and proud
Stands low hugging the ground that found its roots
The sun no longer its friend
Replaced by a deep darkness that envelops it
It was free spirit that was grounded to a pulp
It stood hunched
on a street corner
much like a beggar who nobody sees
unless they bump into him
who said you have to break bones to break a man
just squash everything he stands for
kill every objective that made him proud
bind him to watch the drama that unfolds
force him to keep quiet and be weighed down
by the words that did not escape his lips
force him to understand fear
not fear of god
of evil
of treachery combined with power
force him to acknowledge the power of evil
power of small everyday fallacies
power of little injustices carried out everyday
Make him watch the suffering of others
make him look the other way
and then watch the spark die in his eyes
watch how his shoulders stoop
watch how how the spring disappears from his step
enjoy his fall
enjoy the power in you
the power to kill in a man all that he stands for
and then if your power permits you to remember before its too late-
Remember - what goes around comes around

MY CHANGING LIFE

I am caught up in the whirlwind of changes... sweeping changes. the ones that are mostly irreversible. For the sucker that I am for the steady unchanging boring life ... i have on my plate the exact opposite. I am aware that I am in transition and like that silly kid who is running after fireflies in the darkened garden, I run in all directions and pause every now and then in wonder and amazement at the sparks I witness. The realization that these moments are fleeting is what makes this exciting.

Decision making is a lonely process. If its not lonely then the decision was not yours. I have made up my mind and started on a road and every now and then self doubt creeps up like that ugly man on the train station whom you didn't notice until he moved towards you looking you straight in the eye and a crooked grin. And you think... he is laughing at you. Well ... even he thinks you are stupid.... and then sanity recovers itself and wears its robe once again to cover the nakedness of doubt and moves on like nothing happened and all of this was just a figment of my imagination.

Every now and then I meet people who have stood with me at some cross road or the other and we've taken different roads. A small pang of regret often surprises me. Which brings me back to the road I've chosen and I tell myself, they too have chosen their own roads and are walking down those roads. I dislike taking decisions that bring consequences I wasn't prepared for. But then you can plan all you want however when the big guy up there gets bored he likes to watch you squirm in your seat thinking what the hell was I thinking and how did I end up here.