Finding Myself

The distance between a feeling
And this page
Is immeasurable

The pause when I try and collect
A million popping vanishing thoughts
Feelings in turmoil.

Finger tightly clasped
Entwined
Words buried
Under heavy feelings

A thought
A line
A bend in the road
A glimpse of the old days
A scared glance at the future

A frog in the throat
Utterly confused
Rain out side my window
A dark dripping night

Desperate attempt
To bridge the gap
And find myself again

S.A.

Absolute Random Walk In The Woods

A disturbed/ distracted mind is quite incapable of enjoying the moment. Exercise, Namaz, meditation come to mind when I think of solutions.

I realise I will rot in hell... spoke rudely with mom. I love her.

I wish I could be Forrest Gump. Simple.

‘We look before and after,
And pine for what is not:
Our sincerest laughter
With some pain is fraught;
Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.’

Spoke with Mom on phone. She seems to have completely forgotten my rudeness earlier or as usual... I have been forgiven. I will still rot in hell! For I am undeserving of her love and her forgiveness.


Money!!!! Hmmmmm.... there is this thing about money. Its power is scary. I prefer to keep my distance... a respectful one at that! Money like fame eventually evaporates and more over, you can't take it to the grave so why bother!

Its Saturday. The bank would be closed tomorrow. After a much enjoyed extended afternoon nap, to my sheer horror, I realised that the wall clock was running an hour late. Hurriedly made tea, gave instructions to the bai, woke S up and rushed to the bank. Only half hour left for them to close for the day. Finished the job in twenty minutes. Was riding my activa back home. There is this particular stretch where construction workers have built temporary huts. The families, elders, children all sit together and chat. It was rather dark now but on earlier occasions, I have seen food being cooked, children running around, the usual hustle and bustle of a large household. These people must face the rain and the shine both. I am sure its not easy.
It may be weird, but at times their presence takes me to Nanpara, my grandfather's house. The large house with big rooms and high ceilings. A place that time has not changed much. A house that is packed with very happy childhood memories. A house that now pains me because my father is not able to live there but is deeply attached to.
The togetherness of these people by the road makes me want to stop by. But I know I can't do that. Stop and say what... that I'd like to sit with you all here and have chai. I envy them. When it rains and mumbai rains can get bad with all the water logging... I am sure they have trouble.
A week back on a particular day, office was closed at half day and people were asked to leave since water had reached dangerous levels. I rushed home. Later I learnt that on that day, there were two casualties .... in my neighbourhood!!! A child who accidently slipped and fell into a manhole and an old poor woman who could not find shelter.
That day I cried sitting in my "dry" living room. I felt devoid of the joy that comes in helping other people. I despise a selfish existence.

Penny for thoughts!

I admit to myself that at times I am scared of myself. I am scared of what I am capable of doing. Often a choice presents itself like a fork in the road and we make a reasonable decision, one thats in our best interest. I always prefer to make decisions with one eye on the future. But I also know that I am pefectly capable of making a short term gain and long term loss. Perfectly capable of making a mistake. And that scares me. Mistakes usually are very attractive before you make them :-)

Something else I read also caught my attention. Somebody said that if you're not having fun in doing what you do then you are doing something wrong. Ambition is good but don't let it burn you. You need to be happy when you get there and not burned up. That makes perfect sense!

Thoughts Quotes and More

There is a pause between me and a blank page and in this case the "create post" window. I have often been disturbed by something that doesn't really surface but yet lurks behind in my mind. It doesn't translate into words so I can do something about it. Life does exist in greys.

It occurred to me that I should perhaps not be disappointed when thoughts don't come through as words for me to put on my blog or journal. When I get frustrated by my apparent failure I ignore what happens in that pause. The impregnated pause that makes me pick my thoughts, examine them, turn them over in my mind to see what lies beneath them and to discover a feeling or two.

I read quotable quotes religiously in the sunday paper. Very thought provoking. So thought provoking that I thought to myself - watching a route chalked out on a map is quite different than travelling and discovering it by experience. A quotable quote is like that. Someone else's lived through wisdom. I may have read hundreds but how many did I arrive at? Perhaps only a handful. So my life is enriched only by a handful of these truths. What we read.. we often forget. Chances of forgetting are drastically low when one goes through the experience of arriving at a conclusion which when quoted goes into the sunday papers' Quotable quotes. I would like to arrive at these conclusions... as many as possible.

The mind is free but the body is enslaved by the elements that put it together. It responds to the immediate surroundings. Its a fine balance between the two - the mind and the body. Some days I experience myself being tilted to one in comparison to another. For neither my mind nor my body are bound to me.

The most endearing of truths are simple and not complicated. The source of happiness that I seek is always available to me. It lies with me but am I capable to deal with it? Today I feel a certain calm inside. A leveling of thoughts. A subsiding of feelings that are often in turmoil. I can enjoy it better when I know for certain that this balance will not last. Its here right now for me and I should live in the moment. Its a liberating feeling. The noise around and the constant pressure of everyday life blocks out that inner guiding voice. The voice that constantly whispers to you and tells you what you truly want.

Several years ago the first time I laid my eyes on the famous "No Fear" logo on a car; I said to myself - what is this? Now when I see it. I see it in completely different light. My relationship with fear is rather personal you see. I have found myself a constant companion of fear. It took me maybe twenty six years to realise this one truth about myself. It took me more time to realise that until you find it, you can't deal with it. And then to realise that even though I try to face my usual fears, I fail quite often. I also realise that I feel on top of the world whenever I have conquered any one fear of mine - For instance the fear of intimacy or the fear of expressing feelings or the fear of appearing idiotic or the fear of being judged and many more (I have a list). And so I never stop trying. In fact its amusing when I realise I am scared of something. For when I found fear, I also found that god was generous with me in courage. So you see, I now understand and respect and admire that logo of "No Fear". In fact I downright love it :-)

Juxtaposition of opposites

There are somethings that exist in twos. It appears as if one won't exist without the other. Opposites joined together. Happiness and sadness. Sometimes one blends into the other and causes feelings unlike anything else. The degree too is matched. When you feel extreme happiness or joy, you also are warned that its absence can cause equally matched grief. Risk takers know that by experience. The greatest of heights risk the greatest of falls. One is meaningless without the other.

I ponder over a few thoughts. Questions mostly? The kinds that stir you and sit there watching you think. One is that if one has the capacity to hold on to truth come what may, will that person also carry the courage and capacity to lie if he chooses to?

A person needs courage to succeed? I call it courage because the risk of defeat is involved.

Do things always exist in equal proportions or can one outweigh the other. who knows.

Can a big victory defy a small defeat? A big lie concealing a small truth? Love as opposed to hatred and love as opposed to indifference... what is a better opposite and which is more appropriate?

Why do some people attract me while others put me off? Is it the other person or is it me? Or is it both?

To S..with love

By ee cummings

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)

I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is doneby only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which growshigher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

The almost perfect weekend

I happen to change the definition of perfect quite often. It being a Saturday I enjoyed getting up late and being served "bed tea" !!!! Last nights' mammoth headache had vanished.. thankfully! For once I told myself... don't be stupid... nobody wrote to you over the past two days... so don't even bother checking your emails... ha!". And so... the next task (and I always have some of em) was to think how many bills are still to be payed. What time does the electricity office close? Which ATM drop box would take the cheques for gas. How much time do I have? Breakfast? not now. Enquiry about the gym? Find out how far is the gym from home? How? Well!! travel there and then you'd know. what about the bills? Idiot! pay 'em on the way. Groceries!!! Buy them from a supermarket near the gym...cool... Ah! weekend! Only so few things to do!!!!!
Anyway... there is nothing like an afternoon nap after a good lunch and a good movie. So off I went to that lovely cozy bed and caught some zzzzzzzzzzz! S is out. Meeting an old friend for lunch. Somehow that lunch got extended to coffee and time pass and she isn't back yet!

I am talking about all this. While the back end processor is on... I don't mean anything other than a remote section of my brain... the one that really screws up my thoughts!

I have recently been advised that one should not speak straight up. Let me explain. Supposed someone at work asks you..what are you doing tomorrow. And you say nothing. and then they say... well then get prepared you are going and meeting so and so since they need our services. And now you can't protest that its a weekend and you don't want to work since you already told them that you aren't doing anything! So basically... you got yourself screwed..simply because you gave a straight answer. Now imagine that someone asks you again... "what are you doing tomorrow" and you say - "why do you ask". They say.."so and so client wants to meet someone from our company since they need our services" and you say.." well I could meet them on Monday". So what is the smart thing to do? Go with the second option. Always! particularly at work.

Anyway..anyway..anyway

Thats it for now. Oh .... and have you seen this flick called "A lot like love".... bit** of a good movie.... !