Random Acts

S left early morning and I overslept. Got up. Saw the time..***t! informed boss and rushed with the routine. Nice and fresh stood on the damn highway only to be ignored by damn autowalas for thirty minutes. A lost soul finally nodded in affirmative. The rest before him deserved eggs splattered on windshield. Losers! Man how I hate them. Anyway, was on the way lost in my own numbing thoughts when noticed the presence of a feeble old man standing at the intersection begging. In pouring rain the man had nothing covering his upper half. A sudden impulse and I yelled at the autowala to stop but he couldn't since the light had turned green and the horns had started blaring. Damn the impatience of everyone on roads. I had one apple. To break the fast in evening. Wanted to give it to that old man. Don't know why but was almost desperate, yelled to the old man and he tried to get closer but the auto was already pulling away. In a split second I took the decision to throw the packet with the apple inside at the old man. My last glimpse of him was his scared effort to retrieve the apple packet from the road while vehicles blared.
I had to close my eyes. Food is not supposed to be thrown. Food to others when given is never to be thrown. Its unforgivable. I don't know what went through me but it was unbearable. Maybe the thought I was not able to offer help in a fashion that I desired. Somehow this seemed bad. Flinging food at someone much older and much hungrier.

From madness to madness

I fought with S. I am not talking to her. Turns out when I don't talk to her, I can't talk to myself either. Sad! Some fights are good. The blood rushes, you exercise your brain to cooperate with your tongue to get the right words out. And then there are serious fights. Ones that scare the hell out of you. You think, Oh shit! now what! Did she really think that, does she really mean it. Oh man, what will tomorrow be like.

Namaz during ramzan is must. All those years of watching dad pray five times a day. Watching him, give up all his fears and problems to the almighty to solve everyday. All these years, I never followed him. But now its different. Offering namaz reassures me that I am my fathers daughter. He never asked me to follow. And then there is that conversation with god at the end of every prayer. Where I talk, ask, reveal, realise. Where god says - Hmmmmmmmmm..... And I can hear that. It means someone is watching. Every small detail is watched. There is no hiding. You go to god with your conscience and say what you did. My dad is a lucky man, he knew all this for a long time. He never told me. Never forced. Perhaps he wanted me to find out on my own. A window to escape the madness.

screw it!

There is something terribly wrong. All screwy dreams of late. Waking up with terrible images. A few days back, saw a jet crash right on its bloody nose in a big field. Got up and described to S who promptly suggested a head examination. I wonder if they'd find anything at all .. :-)

Then another one in which am living in a dilapidated grey building that is crumbling in pouring rain! Weird, I even had guests over.....

Anyway anyway!

Was watching Sex and the city. Surprising how they cover a lot of what women think across the world. There was this scene where a mother announces that her son is a god and that she tells him that everyday. The red haired woman (one of the lead four) then says to SJP - "Thirty years from now what are the chances that some poor woman can make Charlie a happy man? I think I will go with zero" ... hahhahahaahha The world is same same ... everywhere......

Anyway anyway!

My window and my god

I sat by a large window
The world at large
Sunlight and kids running
Worried mothers
Busy dads
The usual hum of silent progress

And the window grew
And engulfed me whole
Spit me out on the other end
And Its difficult to get back
Everything is unknown
Scary
All i use is instinct

Struggling to put across all that is going on
Not really succeeding
The melody is not fine
Its not music
Not yet

Which means that the link is not complete
the bridge between feelings and thoughts is not good enough

So often lost
I speak with god
And ask shamelessly
For that that seems outside the grip

God gives me a patient hearing
For I am the child that often returns

Finding Myself

The distance between a feeling
And this page
Is immeasurable

The pause when I try and collect
A million popping vanishing thoughts
Feelings in turmoil.

Finger tightly clasped
Entwined
Words buried
Under heavy feelings

A thought
A line
A bend in the road
A glimpse of the old days
A scared glance at the future

A frog in the throat
Utterly confused
Rain out side my window
A dark dripping night

Desperate attempt
To bridge the gap
And find myself again

S.A.

Absolute Random Walk In The Woods

A disturbed/ distracted mind is quite incapable of enjoying the moment. Exercise, Namaz, meditation come to mind when I think of solutions.

I realise I will rot in hell... spoke rudely with mom. I love her.

I wish I could be Forrest Gump. Simple.

‘We look before and after,
And pine for what is not:
Our sincerest laughter
With some pain is fraught;
Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.’

Spoke with Mom on phone. She seems to have completely forgotten my rudeness earlier or as usual... I have been forgiven. I will still rot in hell! For I am undeserving of her love and her forgiveness.


Money!!!! Hmmmmm.... there is this thing about money. Its power is scary. I prefer to keep my distance... a respectful one at that! Money like fame eventually evaporates and more over, you can't take it to the grave so why bother!

Its Saturday. The bank would be closed tomorrow. After a much enjoyed extended afternoon nap, to my sheer horror, I realised that the wall clock was running an hour late. Hurriedly made tea, gave instructions to the bai, woke S up and rushed to the bank. Only half hour left for them to close for the day. Finished the job in twenty minutes. Was riding my activa back home. There is this particular stretch where construction workers have built temporary huts. The families, elders, children all sit together and chat. It was rather dark now but on earlier occasions, I have seen food being cooked, children running around, the usual hustle and bustle of a large household. These people must face the rain and the shine both. I am sure its not easy.
It may be weird, but at times their presence takes me to Nanpara, my grandfather's house. The large house with big rooms and high ceilings. A place that time has not changed much. A house that is packed with very happy childhood memories. A house that now pains me because my father is not able to live there but is deeply attached to.
The togetherness of these people by the road makes me want to stop by. But I know I can't do that. Stop and say what... that I'd like to sit with you all here and have chai. I envy them. When it rains and mumbai rains can get bad with all the water logging... I am sure they have trouble.
A week back on a particular day, office was closed at half day and people were asked to leave since water had reached dangerous levels. I rushed home. Later I learnt that on that day, there were two casualties .... in my neighbourhood!!! A child who accidently slipped and fell into a manhole and an old poor woman who could not find shelter.
That day I cried sitting in my "dry" living room. I felt devoid of the joy that comes in helping other people. I despise a selfish existence.

Penny for thoughts!

I admit to myself that at times I am scared of myself. I am scared of what I am capable of doing. Often a choice presents itself like a fork in the road and we make a reasonable decision, one thats in our best interest. I always prefer to make decisions with one eye on the future. But I also know that I am pefectly capable of making a short term gain and long term loss. Perfectly capable of making a mistake. And that scares me. Mistakes usually are very attractive before you make them :-)

Something else I read also caught my attention. Somebody said that if you're not having fun in doing what you do then you are doing something wrong. Ambition is good but don't let it burn you. You need to be happy when you get there and not burned up. That makes perfect sense!