Hits & Misses

I am uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable because I made someone else uncomfortable. Someone I care about. That's saying the word "uncomfortable" too many times.

So we cut the crap.

Ever happened to you when you meet someone you know and in the first ten seconds of meeting that person you and that person try to figure out exactly how to greet each other. Its awkward. The person opens his arms to hug you and by then you've already stretched your hand out to shake his. And then you suddenly realise .. oops! and you open your arms and take one reluctant step forward and find his hand stretched aping you. Oops again!

Now try and recall that feeling. That's how I feel right now!

Ever cracked a joke and found you ended up insulting the person in front of you! Or the way round, when you didn't find the joke funny and the person realised that and acknowledged your reaction with slight embarrassment!

Its time for a walk.... to clear things!

Bags And Stuff

There are somethings that are like a bag. The bag has no shape. Its white cloth. You put your hand in while you really can't see much of what you touch and feel inside the bag and then suddenly something pricks your finger. You quickly put pull your hand out and examine your finger where sits a tiny red dot that gets redder and angrier. You try and remember that there are good things too... inside the bag. Tough luck. We'll try again. And then you do. You put your hand in again. A little cautiously. You try and feel the things inside the bag. Odd shapes, smooth surfaces, A box, A bell, A chocolate maybe ... stuff. Odd stuff. And you are still guessing ... you still can't see anything. You know you should avoid sharp things, pointed things so you look for harmless feeling things coz you see... you still can't see inside the bag!

Know what I mean ?

I don't know who I am

I have never been so angry for so long....without knowing the reason for it. I am consistently collecting guilt by the gallon and yet continuing on my bull in china shop routine with tender hearts around. Rot in hell.... yes I will. I know I should stop the nonsense but the expression of anger is so self consuming that I attack first and then sit reflecting on the damage. Every single rule is being broken. As if it is some suppressed desire. I am leaving my carefully constructed comfort zones. In fact I got out of them without even knowing it. A lot is changing (I am changing everything - consciously!) and I guess I have a bad reaction to it. I have become a stranger to those who have known me forever and also to myself. Unpredictable, Edgy, sarcastic, angry, Impatient. These days I am not what I know myself to be. Which brings me to a scary realisation. I am changing - at least right now - and I can't seem to help it.


I don't know myself anymore!

The Answer

A struggle raging within

The crystal glass gets chipped

A tiny dream

A dark night

A single ray of sun shine

A hand in mine

A thought sails on a sigh

An old friend returns

Hides in a ghost

The ghost is a friend

Painted in a corner

The truth sits staring from the shelf

Love outside my window

Fear inside the closet

A sturdy shoulder

A firm grip

A stable mind

Fingers entwined with mine

A presence

Love and the long road home

An answer to some questions

A soul

A presence

The end of the road

Home

Kadhi, Dhokla & The Rest Of It!

All around me I find that things are similar to each other, outcomes can be predictable. If you tune in, a lot is already explained and if you understand any one process, it can give you some hints to other processes. Lets say for example you want to make the lip smacking tasty "Kadhi". You would need to know that besan and curd need to be mixed well. So in case you were to put all the besan together, it would give you lumps of besan that would spoil the consistency of the dish. Its supposed to be a smooth paste that is then cooked. To get that paste, A - you need patience to put besan in small quantities while stirring the curd. B - You need to put all the other ingredients (salt, chilly powder, etc) in right quantities coz otherwise, you might have the damn consistency but the kadhi could either be salty or too hot.

Now I look at relationships (any kind, friends, loved ones, parents, etc). Its much like cooking. You need to pay attention. In case you don't, you may end up spoiling a perfectly good thing by overdoing something (too much salt/ sugar eh!). A certain pace is good as long its matched from both ends (consistency!). You savour it much like when you take the whiff of that delicious aroma that rises from the cooking vessel and envelops your kitchen and the rest of the house. A good relationship that is nurtured well taste as good if not better as the kadhi !!!!!!!!!! hahahhaha.

I can't help thinking food.... Dhokla is another example ... it needs just as much care or else it won't be soft and light!!!! Eating a dense piece of dhokla is like living through a relationship which has little communication. One will give you a stomach ache and the other will give you a headache.

Enough about food. Lets take the flow of blood in our body. As long as a body part continues to receive blood, it stays alive, has a certain colour of life to it. When not, it dies and sometimes has to be removed. Love is like that too. It brings life where it reaches. Sunlight. Flowers need it. People need love.

Oxygen. Money. A sheer necessity.

Working capital does for a corporation what blood does for the body and love does for the relationship or national highways to for the benefit f trade.

(I am feeling good about writing all this).

I have always looked at homes with curiosity. Mine, other peoples. I feel that there is always a certain part of the home that makes it a home from a house. The most alive part of the house. Much like the heart of the human body (indispensable). You take it away and the home suddenly becomes a house .. a building with a past. In my parents house there is no doubt about it. I know which part of the house gets maximum attention. The kitchen. Lots of memories. The aromas that come out of there sometimes bring neighbours into the house with wide grins. It bring us out of our cocoon like rooms and everyone eventually sticks around the kitchen. That's just the way it is. In some homes, its the bedroom. In some more, its the living room. Even in an office, have you noticed how a certain workstation or cabin gathers more crowd than the others. And when that person quits, things are never the same again.

Life I think brings a flow. Its when things stand still that they die. People die, relationships die.

I want to make kadhi/ dhokla and thereby I mean have loving relationships in my life.

Cheers!

On Love and Logic

I have often spoiled things by asking too many questions. It just never occured to my poor brain that it should shut up. Not shut up on the outside (which I do) but shut up on the inside. One great spoil word is "Why". Most popularly used by yours truly. So much so that when someone expressed love ... yep..u got it.. I asked (to myself..thank god for small mercys) "why".

And then came the eureka moment. I discovered that feelings begin when the mind is shut out. Logic is incapable of comprehending the reasons of love.

I used to look at some friend of mine who "appeared" to be in love with a jerk (he was a jerk in my books only) and think to myself - why? what does she see in him? It never occured that jerk or not .... they suit eachother just fine.

The cause of sadness

Right now heres what I am feeling - Sad!

I wish life were simpler. Feelings were not complicated. Guilt was not cultivated. Love was simpler.

And then I read this in the paper:-

There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them. --- By Anthony de mello.