Restless Beast

A restlessness rises and decides to stay
moving from one thought to next
seeking something that it cant define
eager to be satisfied
it remains empty hollow
the mist of rain outside
the hum of the air conditioner
the crowds on the streets
a cloudy evening by the lake
the silence evaporated with the crowds
two worlds
a silent canvas of clouds water and blue night skies
a screaming sweltering bustling thumping beast of the city
living like twins
together and apart
i am alive
aware
sensing seeking searching

To Madness

Sometimes insanity is not so bad. Its good for the mind to scrub itself once in a while. Traffic jams make you appreciate shortcuts that you pick up to escape the chaos. Incoherent thoughts are not so incoherent. The chatter of the mind has a pattern. Listen. Close your eyes. You've been talking to yourself for a while now .. haven't you. And then your conscious mind is constantly trying to avoid the ears from hearing what you are whispering to yourself in your sleep.... Hahahahahahah

But now that you are mad. You are free! What exuberance... like that twinkle in the eye of the mad man seconds before he leaps from the window. Free like a bird to .. to... to... to what? No no .. don't listen. This is not the time to think... Because you've destroyed rational thought. You've convinced yourself that thinking is one of the most dangerous of pass times. Insanity is the answer to freedom and a life without expectations.

:) I am free now that I am mad.... hahahahhahaha!

Love-ly Turmoil

I feel many things at many levels. I feel withdrawn unto myself and am with me. Not alone. I am with me. Aware of the tide of feelings that course through. Aware of pain and fear. Aware of confusion. In touch with the sequence of events unfurling before me. Bracing myself for the worst. Damn Capricornian traits! Always preparing for the worst and hoping for the opposite. I am a Capricorn girl. A mountain goat. I know I can be pretty head strong when I make up my mind. I dislike confusion. But then, don't we all. I don't even like the fact that I have used seven "I's" in six sentences. Tch Tch!
At times every things seems to be in slow motion. This is one of those times. Something big is happening and my mind has slowed down ... for what... soften the blow! Ha! The mind is up to its own tricks!
You know I am babbling! Usually I babble when I can't find the courage to say what I should be saying! Ha! More nervous laughter! I am now laying a trap!... for me!!!
Bottom line.... I am sacred shitless of the fact that what I want may come true and then my mind will convince itself that I am right again in not wanting it anymore! you know ... the shifting goal theory and all!
The thing is... how do you stop the chattering mind to be able to hear that gentlest of whispers that come from your heart! Listen to it! And I am trying!

How hard is it to look yourself in the mirror and not lie to yourself! And I tell myself... do it dammit! You are made of sterner stuff! Go on.. leap!

Like I said... I am feeling many things at many levels!

So lets change the subject...

... so tell me... what is love? How do you know that you love someone? Do people change when they are in love? Can you fall out of love? Can you love someone even if they cause you pain? When should you walk away? What should make you stay? How do you love yourself?

I keep coming back to my original thought... Love is the most selfish emotion of all. But in a good way!

When we say I love you... isn't it also about our need to say it rather than the other's need to hear it! Don't we feel better when we have someone to love. Forget that crap about being socially acceptable and all the stuff about being single stigma as in ...say... Bridget Jones Diary, etc etc. There is a vast population that wants to be in a relationship ... with anybody... they don't want to be single and that's all that matters. But we are talking here deep stuff... a real relationship.

I have seen the form of love change... from romantic love to something a lot more deeper, understated and firm. But I also feel depths of aloofness at times. And at that time I hear nothing from behind my left lung! Not even a whisper. Its that which scares me.

.... So now I am done! Are you?

And the Question Is...

I learnt something new. I know I like to question things. Why they are the way they are. Sometimes that leads to doubt ....confusion. I am not talking about stars, moon, highways, food inflation or such. Most often it starts with a feeling... Mostly I don't care when I am happy but when I am sad and don't know why, I think.
I learnt everybody is not okay with that. Everybody doesn't like to think about things that seem to have no upfront answers.
We want our world to make sense and we want the truth to be convenient. The latter is very important to most people. When its not, we invent it. We lie to ourselves. We lie to others. Anything, but the truth or the confusion that surrounds it when we can't arrive at it.
We don't like it when someone wears their feelings on their sleeve. We don't want to know what ails the person next to us. We desire to hear good things. When we don't have answers to their questions, we tell them that they think too much. Alternatively, when we meet someone who "seems" to have their immediate world sorted out... we are very impressed. Impressed that they ask no stupid questions that baffle us and our logic.
I often ask myself, what do I want and what will make me happy. And mostly never think in days or weeks. Its just what will make me happy without any time lines. A grilled cheese sandwich with hot coffee would do for now but one year and throughout the year, what will work? Do I want a big car like so and so? Do I want a posh house like that other friend? Do I want a change in career. What will make me happy?

Mumbai Nights

I Peeped out of my plane window. Mumbai was enveloped by the night and dark water. The glow of the night lights. Every now and then there cut a diamond studded necklace of roads. The night made it sensual, beautiful, mysterious. God is a man. He looks down and sees a beautiful woman in her finest jewellery. Quiet .... waiting. For that one moment I was not in the plane. My mind was elsewhere, unaware of the immediate reality.

The Light Inside My New Home

I first spent three years complaining that my apartment doesn't have a view, that I don't see the sky from my window, that I can see other people's breakfast from my living room, that there were too many noisy kids around, that there was improper (read nil) ventilation and a lot more than just this. A new job got me into a new house (I am stubborn about such things, so its not home ... not yet). It has a view... At night I can see a beautiful curve in the road with a lone street light.... it can be very poetic at night, In daylight, I can see some hills, I can see lots of flora, I can see a fistful of sky and then some more, and a lot of fresh air. So technically, I have what I asked for. But I found out that when friends and family asked, how is the new place, do you like it? My response was a sullen - Bloody Expensive. I didn't say anything else. Nothing about how beautifully furnished the house is, how the locality is really cool, that there is a lovely park at two mins walking distance, that the shopping arcade is not too far, that it is double the size of my last apartment.
Jesus! Whats wrong with me!
I spent some time alone yesterday (a first in the new house) and realised my own pattern, how negative I was. Just noticed that the house has more to offer than what I choose to see. The light is really great. These are things that are important to me and they are all there. And then ofcourse there is the expensive bit.
So what made me think that I will have the most perfect house. Most times perfect things don't happen to people. Thats life!

The world from my key hole

So which surface should I write from. The surface that lives in this immediate world of contact. The one that answers questions, travels for work, deals with people and issues. Or should I write from that depth where I watch things, absorb them, respond to them without expression, where time is not bound by the watch and where feelings and thoughts have a Storm brewing between them.
I live in both layers at the same time. After all we are multi tasking operating systems and that is the default setting. We can do many things at the same time, assess different things simultaneously and respond to various things around us. I am no different.
There are days when I feel I am alone in a boat in the ocean and there is no help around. There are days when I am astonished, scared, anxious, dead all in one day.
Why does it take so long to simply write that life in big cities can be very lonely. You are always alone and unfortunately surrounded by people you will probably never meet again. All you see is strangers. Even the task of going to the mall for a movie is scary. The elevators and escalators are over crowded, you won't find a place to sit in the food court, going to the beach is also a community activity, the whole city is out of their homes on the weekend. The only solitude is in the loo.
How can I be so irritated over such a long period of time. I realise it doesn't take much for me to get angry and I mean reaction giving angry. Like this last weekend when I saw this poor girl with a tray of food walking all over the place and not finding a single table. I called out to her and invited her to sit with me as most chairs at my table were empty. Or this other time when I saw a man lying on the road and not a single vehicle stopped to call for help and that includes me. I didn't stop. I feel guilty.
I am not a big city person I think and I live in a very big urban center of India.
No point day dreaming. I am here and what can I do about it. You know how they say - If you don't like it, change it. If you can't, accept it.
I just tell myself that this too is part of the strange ceremony of being a grownup. Too bad. Deal with it.
Nothing is final and this too shall change. I just have to keep my head above the water for now. Just survive and when there is help and more strength, things ca be changed.