MY CHANGING LIFE

I am caught up in the whirlwind of changes... sweeping changes. the ones that are mostly irreversible. For the sucker that I am for the steady unchanging boring life ... i have on my plate the exact opposite. I am aware that I am in transition and like that silly kid who is running after fireflies in the darkened garden, I run in all directions and pause every now and then in wonder and amazement at the sparks I witness. The realization that these moments are fleeting is what makes this exciting.

Decision making is a lonely process. If its not lonely then the decision was not yours. I have made up my mind and started on a road and every now and then self doubt creeps up like that ugly man on the train station whom you didn't notice until he moved towards you looking you straight in the eye and a crooked grin. And you think... he is laughing at you. Well ... even he thinks you are stupid.... and then sanity recovers itself and wears its robe once again to cover the nakedness of doubt and moves on like nothing happened and all of this was just a figment of my imagination.

Every now and then I meet people who have stood with me at some cross road or the other and we've taken different roads. A small pang of regret often surprises me. Which brings me back to the road I've chosen and I tell myself, they too have chosen their own roads and are walking down those roads. I dislike taking decisions that bring consequences I wasn't prepared for. But then you can plan all you want however when the big guy up there gets bored he likes to watch you squirm in your seat thinking what the hell was I thinking and how did I end up here.

 

Dear G

Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for listening intently and speaking softly. For listening and making sense of the nonsense that tumbles out of me. For allowing me to struggle and make sense of myself. For letting me bring things into focus. For letting me paint all the colors I have. For tell me of my shifts. For connecting with each shift. For putting us as equals. For patiently and graciously accepting the difference in our views. For just being this person who knows how to deal with everything. For letting me paint some parts of you that may or may not be there.
I hope I can be there for you too.

This Girl I Knew

I am looking for a bit of myself
The One that got lost along the way
The girl who had wonder in her eyes
And faith in her heart
Who trusted easily and forgave quickly
She could cry when hurt
Got scared quite often
She carried her childhood along
She didn't stay angry with herself
I didn't listen to her much
And admonished her often
I didn't value her much and didn't hide this either
She could write beautiful poetry
She made me feel better when she wrote
She stayed up nights with me when I was low
She could travel easily between her head and her heart
Her feelings were a riot of bright and dark colors
Her face showed what she felt
She was often lonely
But she was loved by those who knew her
She wrote when alone and she wrote beautifully
She was also gullible this girl I knew
And awfully sweet
To her the world was new everyday
I am so sorry that I let her go
And I look for her everyday.

India and Its Fabric

Strange are the ways of the lord... I have seen so much grief, treachery, corruption that it is enough to make one hate. Hate the system, the people who run it and ask God why does he allow the loot. All the problems that India faces today are stories of neglect - Dalits, Muslims, Tribals, people from north-east, naxals are all the step children of the Indian government. I agree when the family is large, a few kids are bound to feel neglected but don't allow it to become chronic. And that's why God made hero's and he sends them at the right time. He sends selfless people who serve others for the sake of serving others and whose reward is the satisfaction they get from helping others. He sends officers who are incorruptible, he allows people like kiran bedi, arvind kejriwal, medha patkar, teetsa setalvad, anna hazare, aruna roy and many more. He sends government servants like Officer sanjeev bhat, justice hegde, manmohan singh. When our collective patience was wearing thin, he sent an idea through a frail man who refused food for twelve days.
The lok sabha today debated the jan lokpal bill. The speeches of our esteemed elected representatives were worth listening to. I am sure they were aware the eyes and the ears of an entire nation were on them. Where ever this goes from here, I am immensely happy. Happy to know that this government has had to shrug its aristocratic arrogance and bow down to the will of the common man. The euphoria in the air is contagious. The happiness reminds me of the night we won the world cup. No matter how much others and we ourselves criticise us and our way of functioning, I am confident that very few nations can achieve what we did today with peace and harmony. We made an elephant pass through a key hole. We did. And that's why I will sleep with a smile on my lips. I am today immensely proud as an Indian. when we are bad, we are very bad but when good happens its a burst of energy. This country of mine is woven today in a fabric that I like. My hair stand on ends when I hear the national anthem. There are many things that are not right but as a nation we are taking the right steps. Almost none of these steps have been easy but we are still on the road and the journey will be long and hard both. But I am a happy Indian today.

Bestfriends And Lovers

There are boyfriends, then there are lovers, some we call partners, husbands, better halves so on and so forth.
I believe that a lover turned husband is very different from best friend turned husband. You don't create sparks they happen if they have to. With the best friend the jars for trust, understanding are already full when the relationship changes to legally wedded partners. You already know so much about the other. A lover on the other hand may or may not become a best friend. Its good if he does but then again its fine if he doesn't. Everybody doesn't fit into all costumes. That's why married folks still have friends that they continue to confide into with out the fear that it may hurt the relationship or the fear of being judged. I think it may in fact be very healthy to have friendships that are outside the marriage. Sometimes our friends may give us a perspective which we accept wholeheartedly while we may have rejected it had our partner said the same. Its like .. after a while we don't listen to our mothers while they are trying to drive good sense into us... leading to "I told you so".
I may be romantic with my lover but not my best friend and what happens when its the same person. Well in that case, there is a newness to the relationship and I will look at that person in new light and he will find me different too. Our expectations from the same person will change and then one may realise that someone is a great friend but not a great partner. Then you end up losing the friend and not getting the partner you wanted. I believe that our fears are different in each relationship we value.
Somehow I feel that friends should be friends and lovers should be lovers and mixing the two should be avoided. Keep life simple ...silly!

Restless Beast

A restlessness rises and decides to stay
moving from one thought to next
seeking something that it cant define
eager to be satisfied
it remains empty hollow
the mist of rain outside
the hum of the air conditioner
the crowds on the streets
a cloudy evening by the lake
the silence evaporated with the crowds
two worlds
a silent canvas of clouds water and blue night skies
a screaming sweltering bustling thumping beast of the city
living like twins
together and apart
i am alive
aware
sensing seeking searching

To Madness

Sometimes insanity is not so bad. Its good for the mind to scrub itself once in a while. Traffic jams make you appreciate shortcuts that you pick up to escape the chaos. Incoherent thoughts are not so incoherent. The chatter of the mind has a pattern. Listen. Close your eyes. You've been talking to yourself for a while now .. haven't you. And then your conscious mind is constantly trying to avoid the ears from hearing what you are whispering to yourself in your sleep.... Hahahahahahah

But now that you are mad. You are free! What exuberance... like that twinkle in the eye of the mad man seconds before he leaps from the window. Free like a bird to .. to... to... to what? No no .. don't listen. This is not the time to think... Because you've destroyed rational thought. You've convinced yourself that thinking is one of the most dangerous of pass times. Insanity is the answer to freedom and a life without expectations.

:) I am free now that I am mad.... hahahahhahaha!