Wandering Ghost

...........Don't you know me at all!

If you've seen the movie "Great Expectations"; you'd know this is what he said to her when she asked to be forgiven for breaking his heart.

Sometimes.... desires are like cars. You take a ride and you want it to go somewhere. But often enough the destinations keep moving. Sometimes, the faster and harder we drive, farther the destination goes.

So many times I had envisioned this. And they say when you really want something that bad, it happens. I now look back and realise that I already passed that crossroad. And I didn't even realise!!!! Blinded goddamn fool that I am.

Chasing a desire is so painful at times, esp when you realise that the distance has only been increasing instead of the opposite. And still I keep going, tirelessly. Hope - what a funny word and what it can do to you.

I stand today, laughing at myself for being the illogical fool who would run from crossroad to crossroad until one day, I turn into a ghost that has gone all over the place and found no resting ground.

While I sit here laughing at that idiot inside, I feel a little affection too. Fools are forgiven and then loved. That's what I do to that ghost inside that won't listen to my reasons coz its heart can't be put back together.

Al Pacino - The Man, The Legend

Don Corleone: ".........I'll make him an offer he can't refuse"

A steady look in the eyes. The quiet confidence of a jungle cat. A voice that exudes confidence of a measure that instilled fear in those who had wronged him and gave hope to those who came to him. Al Pacino (Don Michael Corleone) - the man - the alpha male - the young Don. The grace of movement, the style of a man who knew his power, the sex appeal, the character that wouldn't be if not for this charismatic man who played this role.

Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade - Al Pacino - Scent of a woman.........

A woman would come alive just by the way he spoke and what he said or the way he looked at her even though all he could do was smell and feel. The dignity with which he would speak to her. Every woman is a queen and boy did he remind em of this little detail. Not to forget the way he stood up for Charlie Simms (Chris O'Donnell) at the school disciplinary committee.

Al Pacino - the legend.

I think you can't be a fine actor unless you choose to observe and feel and experience and learn to be the character you play. So if the character is a don, you got to believe in that character and then play it like life. How different would Al Pacino be from the powerful charismatic sexy confident Michael Corleone. Probably very different. Or maybe not. Maybe there are shades of it in him... in varying degrees. In scent of a woman, he speaks of women with reverence (well almost!). Like god has been kind to men and thats why men can enjoy a women' company. He spoke of women in way that said that women can be nothing but beautiful gorgeous beings. My mind has a permanent imprint of this fine actor that would remind me that life is beautiful because there are people who create beauty in what they do.

To Al Pacino - the sexiest man! Cheers!

Random thoughts of an ever restless mind........

What is the opposite of love? I don't think it is hate. I think there is something worse than hate that exists in men today .......... It is indifference. Indifference means I don't acknowledge that you occupy space that I breathe in. The worst place to find it is in the eyes of men you thought you knew.

I look around and I see people carrying - mobiles, laptops, shiny cars, lots of money. When the noise goes down, I hear them say - talk to me/ look at me/Hear me out/ Make me happy.

When you are surprised, check your premises......... one of them has to be wrong.........

The most satisfying sight is of a man or a woman who is free from fears....... the next most beautiful thing is to see self confidence. That's why children are beautiful, they truly believe that they can be whoever they want to be.

Beauty does lie in the eyes of the beholder..........

Slow burn

The night sky burns tonight
For the star dust is burning white
Aglow is the earth and the mountains therein
A distant shimmering sight

The breeze carries the embers
Distant corners of a diwali night
A river smokes and glows alone
With the burning white light

The night burns slow
A slow walk to nothingness
I step in and become it
Slowly burning away

Who am I?

Why am I here?

Where will I go?

What else is there to know?

Baz Luhrmann - Everybody Needs (Sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 99...

Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experienceI will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years youll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.Youre not as fat as you imagine.

Dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Dont be reckless with other peoples hearts, dont put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Dont waste your time on jealousy; sometimes youre ahead, sometimes youre behindthe race is long, and in the end, its only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Dont feel guilty if you dont know what you want to do with your lifethe most interesting people I know didnt know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds know still dont.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, youll miss them when theyre gone.

Maybe youll marry, maybe you wont, maybe youll have children, maybe you wont, maybe youll divorce at 40, maybe youll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversarywhat ever you do, dont congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either your choices are half chance, so are everybody elses. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can dont be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, its the greatest instrument youll ever own..

Dance even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you dont follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when theyll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do youll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Dont expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Dont mess too much with your hair, or by the time its 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen...

Moment of Freedom - Too expensive to be had!

Its just so hard to change old habits. My mind used me yet again in a way I don't appreciate. I know its complicated to say this since this judgement is made in the head too. But I think what makes us human is that we can look at what we do and make sense/ nonsense out of it. I haven't felt real anger in a long time. The kind of anger that blind sights you and you only come to your senses when your mind has finished what it had set out to accomplish together with that part of your ego that does nothing but restrict growth and warmth. I felt that anger yesterday. And before I knew it, My plate of food had flown across the length of a room and was lying wasted in the sink. The food didn't quite make it. It took three seconds to realise what I had just done. So ashamed of myself at expressing that rage in a moment of pure madness. Knowing that I had let go of myself when I didn't want to but ended up being a slave to my own rage. I hate that. I hate that. I hate that part of me that does this to me.

There were two reasons for all this: The reason for the rage was that I realised that I had felt sorry for myself for doing some thing which I (apparently) find joy in doing. This beats the goal of doing what I like or liking what I do. Worse, my loathing for people who want to be felt sorry for, turned towards myself. And I felt the full heat of my own anger. Of realising that there still are parts of me that are exactly the same despite all the effort. They say when you are surprised at an outcome, check your premises. One of them might be wrong. I realise that maybe the effort was not enough and not in all directions.

The second reason for being upset is my moment where I gave into rage. A moment completely opposite of self control. In that moment I have to admit is total freedom (strange that I use this word). But I recall that in that one moment my goddamn mind said - now you will not be responsible for what you say or do. My ego said - go ahead! satisfy me! And boy .. did I give my ego that boost! Result, food prepared with time, effort and temporary joy, landed in the sink.

I had felt such rage almost six years back and had promised myself that I won't lose myself like this again. I didn't keep that promise.