Monday, December 24, 2007

I love DAD :-)

We race with our dad. Me and S. Be it professional achievement or a brisk walk at the race course. He beats us in both. I love my dad. For the man he has been and still is. He hasn't received any great medals or been in the papers. But to him there is no joy greater than the love of his daughters. Nothing. He has taught me everything about dealing with the world outside. S and I have taught him how to be gentle. He is a man of discipline. Somebody I've grown up seeing wake up at five every morning day after day after day. He offers namaz five times. And yet he never imposed any religious practice on us. We were free to follow or not. We didn't. He did not and does not still ask us to follow him. Initially I didn't want to do it. Now I realise that one of the reasons behind his tremendous positive energy and compassion is the five times praying ritual.
Dad works very hard. He is fair. He won't keep a poor man's money. He treats his customers and employees with equal respect. I have seen him demonstrate that.
At 55+ he has managed to start a new professional career and is mashallah doing well. S and I are still dazed at the sheer speed and energy with which he runs his ship. At 55!!!!
Dad is amazing. In the years when he could not indulge himself in luxuries of expensive clothes or travel, We didn't hear him complain even once. Although he has seen such success is his previous career that it would have been difficult for any man. But dad has never been ungrateful to god. He truly is a creature that Allah himself must be fond of. The sheer spirit of the man who bows his head and accepts everything that comes along. A man who doesn't let money control him. A man who can be strong and soft at the same time. A man who brought up his daughters and taught them the skills they need in the real world outside.
To me he is the man who gave me his scooter and car to wreck. Who told me that you must travel by public transport and at one point of time I used to believe that I can't. He told me that never say no to the man who comes to you for help. I don't ever recall anybody ever going back without being helped. ever! He taught us unintelligible words that might as well have come out from a baby's mouth. All of them are expressions of love. He is the guy who send smiley faces in smses to his girls. He sends cute two word messages while we slave away at our offices and that one sms brightens up the entire day. He has come up with innumerable nick names for each of us in the family.
My dad loves to pamper himself. He actually loves himself almost as much as he loves us. And he treats himself very well. My dad knows how to stay happy. He doesn't drive the finest of cars but when he wears his smart new clothes and sits behind the steering of his old faithful Fiat, the way he beams, he could be sitting behind the wheel of a Merc!
What can you take away from a man who has given himself every joy.
He can laugh at the fact that he doesn't have to worry too much about a haircut (for obvious reasons!). He almost manages to listen without interrupting his daughters who sometimes lose their cool particularly in a disagreement.
He taught us that money isn't everything but being happy is. He taught us not to judge people by their bank accounts or the cars that they drive. He and mom have never ever been stingy when it comes to cooking for other people. They both like to cook !
He is uncomfortable around showoffs. But sometimes he Bragg's about the food that he cooks and when we tell him that or make of him, he laughs with us.
Sometimes he worries a bit too much but then he says you aren't in my shoes so you wouldn't know.
Dad - he can roar like a lion and coo like baby. Its unbelievable. We sometimes call him sharekhan and sometimes he is just papu ;)
And and S has got him wrapped around her little finger for the last 24 years. Although there are times when I think its the other way round.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Wandering Ghost

...........Don't you know me at all!

If you've seen the movie "Great Expectations"; you'd know this is what he said to her when she asked to be forgiven for breaking his heart.

Sometimes.... desires are like cars. You take a ride and you want it to go somewhere. But often enough the destinations keep moving. Sometimes, the faster and harder we drive, farther the destination goes.

So many times I had envisioned this. And they say when you really want something that bad, it happens. I now look back and realise that I already passed that crossroad. And I didn't even realise!!!! Blinded goddamn fool that I am.

Chasing a desire is so painful at times, esp when you realise that the distance has only been increasing instead of the opposite. And still I keep going, tirelessly. Hope - what a funny word and what it can do to you.

I stand today, laughing at myself for being the illogical fool who would run from crossroad to crossroad until one day, I turn into a ghost that has gone all over the place and found no resting ground.

While I sit here laughing at that idiot inside, I feel a little affection too. Fools are forgiven and then loved. That's what I do to that ghost inside that won't listen to my reasons coz its heart can't be put back together.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Al Pacino - The Man, The Legend

Don Corleone: ".........I'll make him an offer he can't refuse"

A steady look in the eyes. The quiet confidence of a jungle cat. A voice that exudes confidence of a measure that instilled fear in those who had wronged him and gave hope to those who came to him. Al Pacino (Don Michael Corleone) - the man - the alpha male - the young Don. The grace of movement, the style of a man who knew his power, the sex appeal, the character that wouldn't be if not for this charismatic man who played this role.

Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade - Al Pacino - Scent of a woman.........

A woman would come alive just by the way he spoke and what he said or the way he looked at her even though all he could do was smell and feel. The dignity with which he would speak to her. Every woman is a queen and boy did he remind em of this little detail. Not to forget the way he stood up for Charlie Simms (Chris O'Donnell) at the school disciplinary committee.

Al Pacino - the legend.

I think you can't be a fine actor unless you choose to observe and feel and experience and learn to be the character you play. So if the character is a don, you got to believe in that character and then play it like life. How different would Al Pacino be from the powerful charismatic sexy confident Michael Corleone. Probably very different. Or maybe not. Maybe there are shades of it in him... in varying degrees. In scent of a woman, he speaks of women with reverence (well almost!). Like god has been kind to men and thats why men can enjoy a women' company. He spoke of women in way that said that women can be nothing but beautiful gorgeous beings. My mind has a permanent imprint of this fine actor that would remind me that life is beautiful because there are people who create beauty in what they do.

To Al Pacino - the sexiest man! Cheers!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Random thoughts of an ever restless mind........

What is the opposite of love? I don't think it is hate. I think there is something worse than hate that exists in men today .......... It is indifference. Indifference means I don't acknowledge that you occupy space that I breathe in. The worst place to find it is in the eyes of men you thought you knew.
I look around and I see people carrying - mobiles, laptops, shiny cars, lots of money. When the noise goes down, I hear them say - talk to me/ look at me/Hear me out/ Make me happy.
When you are surprised, check your premises......... one of them has to be wrong.........
The most satisfying sight is of a man or a woman who is free from fears....... the next most beautiful thing is to see self confidence. That's why children are beautiful, they truly believe that they can be whoever they want to be.
Beauty does lie in the eyes of the beholder..........

Monday, November 12, 2007

Slow burn

The night sky burns tonight
For the star dust is burning white
Aglow is the earth and the mountains therein
A distant shimmering sight

The breeze carries the embers
Distant corners of a diwali night
A river smokes and glows alone
With the burning white light

The night burns slow
A slow walk to nothingness
I step in and become it
Slowly burning away

Friday, November 9, 2007

Who am I?

Why am I here?

Where will I go?

What else is there to know?

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Baz Luhrmann - Everybody Needs (Sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 99...

Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experienceI will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years youll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.Youre not as fat as you imagine.

Dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you


Dont be reckless with other peoples hearts, dont put up with people who are reckless with yours.


Dont waste your time on jealousy; sometimes youre ahead, sometimes youre behindthe race is long, and in the end, its only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.


Dont feel guilty if you dont know what you want to do with your lifethe most interesting people I know didnt know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds know still dont.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, youll miss them when theyre gone.

Maybe youll marry, maybe you wont, maybe youll have children, maybe you wont, maybe youll divorce at 40, maybe youll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversarywhat ever you do, dont congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either your choices are half chance, so are everybody elses. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can dont be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, its the greatest instrument youll ever own..

Dance even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you dont follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when theyll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.


Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do youll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Dont expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Dont mess too much with your hair, or by the time its 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen...

Moment of Freedom - Too expensive to be had!

Its just so hard to change old habits. My mind used me yet again in a way I don't appreciate. I know its complicated to say this since this judgement is made in the head too. But I think what makes us human is that we can look at what we do and make sense/ nonsense out of it. I haven't felt real anger in a long time. The kind of anger that blind sights you and you only come to your senses when your mind has finished what it had set out to accomplish together with that part of your ego that does nothing but restrict growth and warmth. I felt that anger yesterday. And before I knew it, My plate of food had flown across the length of a room and was lying wasted in the sink. The food didn't quite make it. It took three seconds to realise what I had just done. So ashamed of myself at expressing that rage in a moment of pure madness. Knowing that I had let go of myself when I didn't want to but ended up being a slave to my own rage. I hate that. I hate that. I hate that part of me that does this to me.
There were two reasons for all this: The reason for the rage was that I realised that I had felt sorry for myself for doing some thing which I (apparently) find joy in doing. This beats the goal of doing what I like or liking what I do. Worse, my loathing for people who want to be felt sorry for, turned towards myself. And I felt the full heat of my own anger. Of realising that there still are parts of me that are exactly the same despite all the effort. They say when you are surprised at an outcome, check your premises. One of them might be wrong. I realise that maybe the effort was not enough and not in all directions.
The second reason for being upset is my moment where I gave into rage. A moment completely opposite of self control. In that moment I have to admit is total freedom (strange that I use this word). But I recall that in that one moment my goddamn mind said - now you will not be responsible for what you say or do. My ego said - go ahead! satisfy me! And boy .. did I give my ego that boost! Result, food prepared with time, effort and temporary joy, landed in the sink.
I had felt such rage almost six years back and had promised myself that I won't lose myself like this again. I didn't keep that promise.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Little things

A lot of insignificant events make up the larger picture. To quote a few:

1. Meeting this tall slender dashing man in the lift while going to work. I notice he drives a maroonish red car. I don't like the color.

2. Being unsuccessful at avoiding conversation in gym during workout with flabby instructor who forces me to remove my mp3 player ear plugs to listen to his useless banter.

3. Miss mom coz i know she is busy with other people.

4. writing emails to people who don't reply.

5. calling up someone who is rude on the phone but i knew that beforehand and still called.

6. Calling up H when she is in Hyderabad and is busy but risks missing lunch just to talk to me. Bless her!

7. Counting on D to return my dough.

8. Vipassana............i have been thinking about it a lot.

9. NR Narayana Murthy and his style of leadership.

10. J said to me: So and so business mag has a list of most powerful Indian women ...... the youngest is only 37. So .... when will i see u there.......... and i am thinking ....... do i even want to be there? maybe not.

11. whats my willingness to take risks right now. Time seems to be running out......

12. thoughts of coffee and conversation

13. Anger.... and what it does to me. and is still doing to me.

14. being at ease with the pace.

15. a desire to get out of the comfort zones and experience the unknown.

16. trust people......

Sunday, October 14, 2007

STAY ...


Stay still

Stay quiet

Stay alive

This moment is mine

And I am this moment

The one that just passed was given up

Theres one more that waits outside the door

Waiting to be adopted

The silence and the stillness

Like a fog in a forest morning

Some thoughts stay with me

Some with that moment by the door

I lay awake........pondering

Splitting up and staying together

All with one string

Over and over and over ....

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Happy ----- & Single!!!!!! Unbelievable

I was today for a while in the company of two successful, intelligent & single women. One of them - "A" - is an old friend (much cherished) and the other - "D" - I had met for the first time.

Somehow the conversation steered towards men, relationships, marriage, etc ..etc. They both have known each other for a while. They party together as often as they can. They both are older than I am. A is a beautiful person and is in a new relationship and she has moved into this relationship right after walking out of the last one. There was probably a one month gap. D on the other hand I believe is single and - ready to mingle.

They both are looking forward to settling down. They want to. D said its not cool any more to party and realise that most people her age are married and out of the party circuit. A seconds that opinion. They don't want to come home to an empty house. They want to have someone to share the end of the day with. They want to be taken care of. They want to watch a movie with someone special, candle light dinners, et al. They know that if they get there they will be happy.

I will be their age soon. Will I be thinking the same thoughts. Probably not!

I am happily single. I asked myself why don't I have the same desires. Why don't I look forward to getting into a relationship? There are too many reasons. My life is full. In most ways. S has also asked me the same thing. She said - S... why don't u find someone. And I went blank!!!!

Most of the things that give me happiness are already there with me and most often, I am the only one giving me that. Self dependent! that's what i am. But that's not with a very comfortable reason. I don't take the risk of someone else making me happy. Family and friends are enough.

A said that- u never seem desolate or lonely or sad with the absence of a man in your life.


I will marry... when I meet someone who I want to be with and not need to be with...

Monday, September 24, 2007

While I am worried about the future..... I often forgetting that the "now" that I have is here...waiting for me .....
When I am running so much in my head..... I find it difficult to slow down and walk. The leap seems easier than the gait. Its so hard to change.
Sometimes I wish the clock would stop. I feel that way when I am either very happy (so that it lasts forever) or very sad (so everything stays still and the madness stops right there). But then again... if wishes were horses.....
A shrug is a good thing. Atlas shrugged remember! Things dont change overnight. They have to be worked at. You cant change the habits of a lifetime in ten seconds.


I came to a startling realisation today evening. I realised that I had always resisted at some level the Islamic wisdom to fear nothing and nobody but the god above.

And then I thought about what I had been thinking the past one week. I have lately been acutely aware of fears.... all kinds of fears.... And I remember telling myself that now on I am not going to let fear (and if possible anger) take control of me. I am going to fear nothing. I may not succeed all the time but I am going to try.

Infact as I write this .... there are a couple of scary thoughts that are circling inside my head.... buts thats all right. There is presence is acknowledged and kept aside as data. What I want to do will not necessarily be driven by those thoughts.

I feel closer to myself and god when I am not afraid. Today I asked S. What religion do we teach our kids when we have them. She said Humanity.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Chocolate and Me

Chocolate Pastry.........
Five layers of cake and chocolate........thick smooth on top... soft and creamy inside........maybe 10,000 calories.........and a hundred odd stomach crunches from the mirror image i want to see.....
What did that pastry satisfy.......... it put a lid on that monstrous pause that sayed the entire day with me.....

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Loose disconnected realities

I am right now in that blank moment that come after one has achived what one had set out to. So basically waiting for the next thrill.... upset with myself for wanting such non-lasting feelings....


Lunch with R & N during work hours...... R said she doesnt like the idea of a man doing household chores......I disagreed strongly but didnt say a word.....
U see i am on my own trip .... and that trip doesnt require that I retaliate to what anybody says about their notion of the world. I am perfectly fine without voicing my opinion.... keep quiet or saying will change nothing..... I am just fine.....

Dammit! I am so *****ng cool!

er... also slightly demented!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


I float
My mind no longer contained
No known boundries
And no chains

I smell my fears
Touch my feelings
Feel the words
That lose themselves in me

I hesitate and walk
Thoughts like bends in the road
New and completely unknown
Courage and fear
Love and fear
Truth and fear

Feelings leap out
Without a warning
Am caught unaware
And completely suprised
trying to put a name
on that which can only be felt
and never shared in words

The inadequacy of words
for the multitudes of thoughts and feelings within
sometimes a stranger to myself
sometimes lost beyond recognition

I return to myself
Every now and then
To see what I may have found
and what I may have lost
where am i going
and how so.

Some truths sit on the shelves
they stare at me and say
you cant run away
some lies i tell myself
to avoid the heat of the moment

Sunday, September 16, 2007

My Smart "S"

Yesterday was one of my proudest moment with S. She and I were returning from somewhere..... were on our activa...with me riding... both without helmets.....A cop pulls up along side and asks us to stop. We pull over. He asks me for my license and I show it to him. He says he would fine us 100 bucks. He also says... that I can collect my license in four days time meanwhile he would issue me a temp license. By then S is visibly agitated. She asks this cop.... why are we being fines. He says highway driving without helmet. Then I ask him if he will give me a reciept for my fine and he says no. So S says - you cant keep the license. You cant take the money without the reciept. She then tuns the full heat on this apparently dilligent ***** cop. She pulls out her phone while telling him that I know you are tricking me and I know the rules buddy. She says to the cop --- wait I'll call Mr.X and cross check what you are saying. On hearing Mr.X' name... the cop goes into shock. His ****ing expression completely changes and for the first time the ***er smiles.... and that was the stupidest smile ever! He hands me my license. Says - madam pls wait by the side of the road.... I'll be back in five mins..... and he speeds off......
What do I do - I move to the side of the road. S says - S u gotta run.... the ****er just gave us a ****ing window! Run! Run!.... and we ran off!
Yes I can be incredibly stupid.... and in comparison with S in that moment.... I was astoundingly stupid.....I was actually gonna wait for that guy to come back .... :)
S and I laughed about it the whole day. I asked her if she really knew Mr X.... who is a top official in traffic police.... and she said yes.... she has met at work....
I think i am gonna remember for a long time what a running cop looks like.....

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Night Sky

I am in love with the night sky and the night..... There is something incredibly attractive about a mountain seen in the night. A mountain that stays still - quiet, strong, silent & a night - enveloping the mountain containing it in a way that nothing else can.

I walked one such road a few days back. It held the magic and fears that make me come alive. The sweet fresh air, fireflies shining like diamonds, strong moonlight and mountains.

I also walked a little to myself. It was wonderful.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

To F ..... my best friend!

I know what people mean when they say -Love is a many splendoured thing. I met F after six years. F was glowing.... it had nothing to do with eating right. She is still in love... with A who is also her life partner now. It touched my heart to see two people who have never been happier. She found what she was looking for and it took her only seven days to realise that. Only seven days!!! I was amazed. F is amongst the most beautiful people I have ever known. She has a heart of gold. In many ways she saved me... its is difficult to say exactly how. Back in college..... I could've rolled in any direction. She saved me then. From my self. She is also brave. Very brave. Her siblings would vouch for that. I am lucky to have a friend like that. When we met now.... she agreed that I have become more emotional than I ever was. Back then I was very uptight when it came expression of feelings. Now I cried openly while talking to her. We all were sitting over coffee and it was just like the old days. She n I were talking as if the intermittent six years were only six days....
But I also know... that for F to stay who she is and feel good about it..... her love-of-life A is completely responsible. The beauty of the language between them was exceptional. It never fails to amaze me. I am lucky to have the friends that I have... and for the love that I receive.

Sunday, August 5, 2007


There is a place in my house that makes me cry. Yes! that's right, its a certain corner .... and whenever I sit there... alone!... it makes me cry. That's weird! I know why men call us crazy. Women can be unexplainable at times......This particular corner crying business is my contribution to the whole "unexplainable" philosophy.....
Moving onto other things..... I got me a brand nu "bai". Today was her first day and I am thrilled to see that the lady was not on a rocket to finish everything in five minutes flat. Which means unlike my previous two bais this one wont make me wear smelly clothes and she would actually clean the house. But then again.... this was day one. However, things look good and the future is gonna be "sparkling clean"! Yippee.............

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Monday, July 23, 2007

Everything that matters is here in this picture

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Happiness was lonely yesterday
For it lost its twin
A long time ago
And it stayed that way - half happy!
The road was twisted
It went uphill
I sat right at the top
Between heaven and earth
All was quiet - the hill, the wind and I
Bound forever in silence
Little joys held like gems
And some secrets in the eyes.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Calvin and I

Calvin is always in a hurry..... The hurry is to have fun. His summer vacation is like life. Short! So we gotta have fun and we gotta have fun right now.

So I want to take that vacation I never took to go to goa with S, R, N. I ought to take leave and go visit R & S's new born or go meet nani. I never got that old property painted. I didn't go to Leh!

I want to hear my mom talk while we sit at marine drive and have chai!

I want my dad to show me his new shoes that he claims are the lightest ever made!

I want to listen to Nani ask a zillion questions about mobiles, planes, work. I just want hear her talk!

I want to go and see if Tenga Valley changed in the last fifteen years!

I want to see the sun rise above the valley enroute to Gowahati!

I am lucky I saw that million dollar smile on A's face when he got his new clothes and shoes and books.

Monday, July 9, 2007

The “Baghara Baigun” Vs “Chicken Supreme”

The center of my mothers house is the kitchen. Everything has evolved around it. My folks ensured that the most utilized room in our home is the dining room with the huge table occupying most of it. Everybody who visits us and shares a meal would realize that the way to my parents heart passes through the dining room. Both ma and dad are foodies. They love to talk about food. If one were to sit with us for a hearty meal (its always a hearty meal since my mother does not believe in shortcuts) one would be enlightened on the tastes and eating habits of people of various states (courtesy dads job), how the Hyderabadi Biryani differs from the Locknowi one, how the Baghara Baigun is a gastronomic wonder, why we prefer non oily food, how to get taste in low oil cooking, what to eat when you’re a heart patient and they would always welcome new recipes. Of course we’ve had visitors who had little interest in food; but surprisingly very few. Even they were treated to a large variety for my parents know of only one way of treating their guests – the royal way that passes through the dining room!

I don’t cook all that much. I tell myself that I don’t have time. That happens to be true for at least three days out of six (Huh! Or do we really have seven days in a week). I shudder at the thought of having a kid at home cause I fear I’d starve the poor thing to death or the kid would grow up and embarrass me on dining table conversation with my folks discussing not the bagara baigun of hyderabad but the delectable pizzas offered by Dominoes/ Pizza Hut or Smokin Joes and how the Chicken Supreme is made differently at each outlet!

S and I are very compatible. I don’t get the time to cook three meals a day and she doesn’t like to eat three meals a day. But then I feel guilty. I read the paper today and discovered that there is an entire generation of working women who have found ways and means (or meals!) to tackle the guilt. The easiest and the simplest way is outsourcing (And America didn’t teach us that). To find a lady who would not cheat/ steal/ who would come early morning and prepare our food. But I wish it was as simple as that.

Working along with Mom in the kitchen has taught me a lot of stuff. I know my mom would rather be a little late in serving the food than offering hastily prepared dishes. I realize that my long hours in the office are attributed to the same thing. This need to have everything just right compels me to be detailed and thorough in my work. But what I wonder is that is it possible to have results in the kitchen and office at the same time. I realize that there are only twenty four hours in a day. I have to prioritize – everyday!

A mans world is so much simpler. No babies, no cooking, no allergy to dirt in the farthest corner of the kitchen counter, probably the number of minutes it took for the bai to clean the entire house is not even registered anywhere. What joy!

I love men who don’t pressurize their better halves about the output of the kitchen while they sit scratching-you-know-what during channel surfing. The best way to love your wife/ girlfriend is to allow her the freedom to choose how she loves you. It may not involve the kitchen at all. Although most of my women friends when not under pressure naturally incline towards the kitchen.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

To S ...who knows what to ask.........

We left Pune amidst heavy downpour, The rain gods were at it good....

S & I were comfortably dry in the volvo.....

Both lost in our own worlds.... Already missing mum n dad.... who I am sure were feeling the same way.

Then in all innocence S turned to me and said... "Shaz..what have we done... in life"

That was not such a good topic to bring up..... Coz since then ... I have been troubled by it to no small measure.

"what have I done in life"..... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Sure ... theres a great job... a nice comfortable bank a/c.... everything everything... but ...... but ...

something is missing.....

If I were to leave the world tomorrow..... who would remember.... have I made a difference.... what have I given to this world which It didn't already have.....

Is there all there is....

Flashback: Age 11, Place: Kaluchak, Jammu

I was always excited..... I had so much to learning how to read the wall clock correctly, knowing how much change I should get from the grocery store owner, I knew every single patch of earth in my garden and all around my house, I knew every kid in the colony, I had to figure out the mystery behind those freshly ironed clothes that suddenly disappear from the bathroom and reappear in my closet, or I had to find that boy who was sitting near that button from where he controlled whether or not to send electricity in our colony...... I wanted to know what is the final end.... that if the universe didn't exist...what would be there?
Now, I don't know what my own country is like.... I haven't been to leh yet, I have only seen a handful of states, I don't know what Australia is like or the kind of food people eat in Africa.

The best years of our lives, S and I are spending in traffic jams and meetings and mumbai pune expressway.

I still haven't done any social work, I have stopped sketching, I manage a little bit of writing and thats all....

I don't remember the last time I made a new friend.....

Cause.... I am spending the best years of my life in traffic, meetings, and other stuff which nobody remembers....


So what will S and I do.......

We may not go to Australia but we may just run away to Goa or Kerela....... :)

And I will do that social work..... I will.... I will...... I will..........

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Boundries Etched in Time

Time is a relative thing.....

Some people count minutes, some count days, some people count years.... and for some .. the count is in lifetimes.....

I read Brian Weiss.... he says ... all that happens in this lifetime is also linked to what happened to the soul is past lives... I find that relevant..... Somehow .. at some level... to a logic driven person such as me... this weird statement sounds true.....

Everybody whom I hold dear... are here for a while... some I may have met earlier... in another life.... and I know I will be with them again.... these are soul connections.....and somewhere I think that it was predestined all the while.... I am talking of a level of consciousness that has nothing to do with my desktop calendar......

From this plane...everything makes sense.... there is no sense of loss or loneliness.... no sadness... its a calm state of mind. The world becomes simple to understand.....

Its just that the sheer force of a tough routine pulls me away from this serenity.....

It explains why when I met AH for the first time... she and I just connected.... We've never met before but she holds a special place in my life. I can say that for a couple of people. I am very fortunate...... I have great friends.... and a loving family....

Its true.....all good things in life are free......

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Of Rains and More

It rained on my thoughts today

Thoughts that were a twisted lot

Silence that stayed quiet

And words that got away

Of pace and moods

Dark clouds and dampness

Riot colored clothes drying on the line

Like little kids playing outside

Of sunday morning breakfast

Two egged omelettes and chai

Pause filled conversations

And afternoon naps

Of staying still

Of distant thoughts and people

Love from far off places

And teary goodbyes

Of growing up

All over again

Of wearing new shoes that pinch

Of surprises at every corner

The world is changing

So am I

But the more we change

The more we stay the same

Friday, June 22, 2007

The Nutcase

S is a total nut!

Now that we are roomies, she has taken on certain tasks that we both prefer that she handles. Telling the bai that she needs to clean up better... telling bai to find another job next month onwards.... asking the watchman for carpenter, plumber, dhobi details .....guiding me on train related details, blah all hers

But the best and my fav part abt living with S is the "all time entertainment" that she does free of cost. She has a set of all these false tones and accents that she uses depending on the person she is addressing, time of day, her mood and the topic.

I notice, that for me .... if I need/ want someone to know me better... I want them to meet S. She is an extension of me... carrying with her a skill set that I am born without. Its not just entertainment that she is good at. I have never seen my friends "not" like her. S has an infectious laughter and great vibes...... All is fun when she around.

We have shared a lot of jokes (on varied and vast topics) all our lives...... and the fun never stopped....

I am so lucky...... I never would need a Tv :) kidding!

But I wont be me without S.

This morning I was witness to a session where I heard S talk to mom. I know the statements mom must've made while S went on and on with her false accent.

S: Mommie ... mommie ... mommie.....gugugugugugu...
Mom: Haan Beta (With a pause waiting for the tide in S' throat to subside)

I just know this..... Our lives have never been the same since S' arrival......

She even makes fun of herself when she was a baby......

To S.... the whole world appears funny (Although that is subject to moods... coz on some days... everything just seems ****ed to her!)

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Intellectual Bullshit

There are many things that go into making us who we are. A specialised role is required of us dpeneding on where we are. A person can be promoted to a higher designation on the basis of what is seen in them and by who. But every team that works with a leader goes through the proccess of adjustment. Some changes even if uncomfortable in the beginning are necessary. Earning the teams confidence is important and there is no shortcut for that and It certainly doesn't happen in one day or one week.

For someone like me who hates suprises (even the good ones), there is a new one every now and then. But then I knew that in advance.

Rock that boat.. rock that boat....... aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

So much for intellectual bullshit......

My day yesterday was .... eventful. Hours were spent "on-site" in sweat and grime trying to make plans only to realise later that it was a waste.......

Oh and the rain...... when it rains .. it pours here!!!!! Every single thing was drippy... clothes, umbrellas, bags, shoes and some ppls conversations.........

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Ctrl + Z

We never walked those roads again
For they went to places we walked away from
Silence filled those gaps in conversations
Conversations that we never had

The world kept changing and took us along
A long way from where we started
We forgot who we used to be
Now we talk to ourselves like cordial friends

We didn't see us and we didn't see the time ahead
We didn't even see what we had
Lost confused souls
Silently approaching the years ahead

Chapters measured in years
Distances covered in seconds
A life behind two eyes
A lifetime in between.....

Monday, June 11, 2007

Mumbai - First Taste

- Traffic goes from Borivali to Churchgate in morning and naturally returns in the evening.
- Unfortunately I gotta travel "with" the traffic and not against it.....
- In a train I would always smell sweat..... not mine....
- Morning ride in train..... its better to be burned alive!
- People walk a lot...... "just next signal" turns out to be 2.5 kms away......
- There is very little time to enjoy the dough one makes.....
- So much time travelling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Women in first class would bite off the head of anybody who gets on without the pass/ ticket...
- The act of getting on/ off a train can be fine tuned through practice so that one doesnt get
- Heartfelt gesture - offering a foohold to someone in a crowded local.
- Women love to pretend sleeping while travelling.

On closely looking at the apparent chaos.... I realise there are patterns in everything..... from the queues that form automatically on the basis of the ppl getting off to finding bai's who are ready to work in wee hours of morning..... mumbai is always on the move..... new roads are constantly being made.... the old ones are changing too...... there is talk of an A/C train too......

I am now a part of the maddening crowd...... lost in the sea of faces......

Sunday, June 3, 2007

First Sunday

Never thought I'd move to Mumbai in rains........ given my earlier feelings on mumbai and rains both......
But it feels alright as of now...... never thought would have a place that doesn't feel like a pigeon hole..... that reminds me... we got pigeons... lots..... outside the kitchen window... outside the bedroom window.... er... we have only two more windows left (remember this is a mumbai flat)......anyways back to the pigeons..... these guys are not ur regular pigeons who would get scared and take off in an instant... even banging on the windows has zero effect.....they have clearly told me that they consider me the intruder and not the other way round..... and if i have a problem with them .... well too bad. For they will not leave...
S & I peered over one window to find two small white eggs.... can't describe the feeling but yeah now we've got company and we've accepted that.....
Anyhow..... our first sunday is here...S wants to sleep the entire day :(
Lets see what we do.....for tomorrow the madness begins.....

Monday, May 28, 2007

Gandhigiri and more

If truth were a person, it would be a poor woman in torn clothes, ignored, forgotten, bruised, old and hungry.

If gandhiji were to return, he may just be horrified to see how this country runs. The politicians, the corruption, the greed and the paranoia....

I once heard someone say - the man with the gold makes the my disappointment this appears to be a universal truth..... (Thank god for the exceptions)

I work and interact in an environment where people would rather be rich than happy....

My refusal to accept the usual norms of climbing the ladder so far have not hurt.... but everywhere i look, i am the exception..... its scary but thats okay......

everyone is interested in what the other is doing.....

I want to revisit childhood but thats not a choice anymore.......

Leaders are not born that way, its what you retain while growing up that makes all the difference. To standup and say that I would not follow blindly for I am a being of reason and i must have all the whys answered before i choose to join the crowd.....

I'd rather be wrong and admit it than join a crowd for the sake of that stupid notion of safety in numbers.....

The answers to what is the right thing to do are not in others..... they are within......all i have to do is cut of the noise and listen when all is quite........ and its then that gandhi and the others come alive..... they have been there all along but you see we are just not willing to listen for truth sometimes can be more scary than hell......

If I were ayn rand..... I'd build the statue of a man ..... glorious, upright, arm stretched upwards to heaven, eyes staring straight at the sun..... I would call that statue - TRUTH...... as rightly deserved an never acknowledged!

Saturday, May 26, 2007

To Bridget Jones...Cheers!

I was and still am immensely amused by the way Helen Fielding's Bridget got along in the society which clearly divides the haves (in this case the woman having a husband) and the have nots! I remember thinking, India is different! I was right. But experience says different doesn't mean better.....

.......... There is no way to bridge the gap.... honestly ..would I want to cross over and ask that entire generation of sixty-somethings about why exactly do they pity the single woman..... while all that generally happens is that the happily marrieds! involve happiness of only the parents of the couple.... No, I am not saying there are no married folks who are truly happy.... its just that I've seen an astonishingly large numbers stuck in marriage......

Its only the truly happy ones that keep my faith alive in the institution and the belief that it should be done only when ur heart feels its right and not just your head!

Picture this (Complete fiction but very apt!):

[Mother's friend above fifty yrs in age : MF


MF: beta how are u?

ME: I am fine aunty. thank you. How are you?

MF: I am fine how is work....(at this point i can see the wheels churning in her head and i know whats coming next)

ME: Doing well... got another promotion

MF: Congrats..... ab sab to kar liya.... shaadi kab karogi?

ME: ...ummmm...

I am ready to believe those who say that they got married coz they were fed up of the questions coming their way....... I will so believe them!

..... I cant imagine the pressure on those poor souls in varanasi, firozpur, kanpur, latur, indore, or other such smaller cities where everyones business is up for discussion......and action.

.......... I know its not any better for single men..... they too hear a lot of "ab shaadi kar hi lo!"

When a woman says no to marriage she is being choosy. Yes she is. So???? Whoever said that she couldn't?

Single life is beautiful. It gives you time to make a career, take care of parents, make and keep friends, be free to travel, adopt babies, have affairs, flirt like mad, work extra hours, not keep the mom-in-law happy by having a spotless home, not feel guilty if you don't cook and lots more.

No ... I am not anti-marriage.... I am just not ready to link it with the clock!

Yes I do fear being alone. But I've learnt that fear is almost as strong a driving force as love or hate......

I love and enjoy the language I see exchanged between friends who got married to each other post-falling-in-love! Its beautiful and its heartwarming. But then I have also seen people who get lonely when they are with lots of people in a room including their spouses.

In life ...we always always always have a choice.... sometimes we make it consciously.... sometimes not.

I choose my own way.... and am not afraid of making mistakes..... at least they'd be mine..... one hundred percent original!

Mindless Banter

Thoughts arrive like passengers in packed trains
Each carrying a past and meaning
But words scatter before the story is made
For they were all travelling in different directions

I watch each one
I know what they say
I feel their hearts sorrow
And the joy of their souls

They have known me for long
They have owned me sometimes
But then I left for other places
And the thoughts went their own way too

Why am I writing this blog

I am a creative person..... unfortunately since most of my time is spent at work, my creativity is curtailed to a large extent and reduced to finding amusing but intelligent sounding answers to questions that clients ask.....

....But i have made this space for something else......

It is for that little voice inside that doesnt get heard very often......

There is a lot that could be said and yet it gets bundled & slotted for later reference while somewhere I already know that whatever i wanted to express is on its way to the bin......

I would like to belive this isnt impulse or panic at having nothing to share in retrospect with close friends.....

but then who do i kid here but myself......

I have made blogs earlier and forgotten them ..... my mind says dont say that out loud.... it would reveal that u are inconsistent..... and then i hear myself closely and i feel ...... whats the harm at a new attempt.....
so here i am........

same old me with a brand new blog!