Monday, December 24, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
The night sky burns tonight
For the star dust is burning white
Aglow is the earth and the mountains therein
A distant shimmering sight
The breeze carries the embers
Distant corners of a diwali night
A river smokes and glows alone
With the burning white light
The night burns slow
A slow walk to nothingness
I step in and become it
Slowly burning away
Friday, November 9, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experienceI will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years youll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.Youre not as fat as you imagine.
Dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Dont be reckless with other peoples hearts, dont put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Dont waste your time on jealousy; sometimes youre ahead, sometimes youre behindthe race is long, and in the end, its only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Dont feel guilty if you dont know what you want to do with your lifethe most interesting people I know didnt know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds know still dont.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, youll miss them when theyre gone.
Maybe youll marry, maybe you wont, maybe youll have children, maybe you wont, maybe youll divorce at 40, maybe youll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversarywhat ever you do, dont congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either your choices are half chance, so are everybody elses. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can dont be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, its the greatest instrument youll ever own..
Dance even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you dont follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when theyll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do youll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Dont expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Dont mess too much with your hair, or by the time its 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen...
Saturday, October 27, 2007
1. Meeting this tall slender dashing man in the lift while going to work. I notice he drives a maroonish red car. I don't like the color.
2. Being unsuccessful at avoiding conversation in gym during workout with flabby instructor who forces me to remove my mp3 player ear plugs to listen to his useless banter.
3. Miss mom coz i know she is busy with other people.
4. writing emails to people who don't reply.
5. calling up someone who is rude on the phone but i knew that beforehand and still called.
6. Calling up H when she is in Hyderabad and is busy but risks missing lunch just to talk to me. Bless her!
7. Counting on D to return my dough.
8. Vipassana............i have been thinking about it a lot.
9. NR Narayana Murthy and his style of leadership.
10. J said to me: So and so business mag has a list of most powerful Indian women ...... the youngest is only 37. So .... when will i see u there.......... and i am thinking ....... do i even want to be there? maybe not.
11. whats my willingness to take risks right now. Time seems to be running out......
12. thoughts of coffee and conversation
13. Anger.... and what it does to me. and is still doing to me.
14. being at ease with the pace.
15. a desire to get out of the comfort zones and experience the unknown.
16. trust people......
Sunday, October 14, 2007
This moment is mine
And I am this moment
The one that just passed was given up
Theres one more that waits outside the door
Waiting to be adopted
The silence and the stillness
Like a fog in a forest morning
Some thoughts stay with me
Some with that moment by the door
I lay awake........pondering
Splitting up and staying together
All with one string
Over and over and over ....
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Somehow the conversation steered towards men, relationships, marriage, etc ..etc. They both have known each other for a while. They party together as often as they can. They both are older than I am. A is a beautiful person and is in a new relationship and she has moved into this relationship right after walking out of the last one. There was probably a one month gap. D on the other hand I believe is single and - ready to mingle.
They both are looking forward to settling down. They want to. D said its not cool any more to party and realise that most people her age are married and out of the party circuit. A seconds that opinion. They don't want to come home to an empty house. They want to have someone to share the end of the day with. They want to be taken care of. They want to watch a movie with someone special, candle light dinners, et al. They know that if they get there they will be happy.
I will be their age soon. Will I be thinking the same thoughts. Probably not!
I am happily single. I asked myself why don't I have the same desires. Why don't I look forward to getting into a relationship? There are too many reasons. My life is full. In most ways. S has also asked me the same thing. She said - S... why don't u find someone. And I went blank!!!!
Most of the things that give me happiness are already there with me and most often, I am the only one giving me that. Self dependent! that's what i am. But that's not with a very comfortable reason. I don't take the risk of someone else making me happy. Family and friends are enough.
A said that- u never seem desolate or lonely or sad with the absence of a man in your life.
I will marry... when I meet someone who I want to be with and not need to be with...
Monday, September 24, 2007
And then I thought about what I had been thinking the past one week. I have lately been acutely aware of fears.... all kinds of fears.... And I remember telling myself that now on I am not going to let fear (and if possible anger) take control of me. I am going to fear nothing. I may not succeed all the time but I am going to try.
Infact as I write this .... there are a couple of scary thoughts that are circling inside my head.... buts thats all right. There is presence is acknowledged and kept aside as data. What I want to do will not necessarily be driven by those thoughts.
I feel closer to myself and god when I am not afraid. Today I asked S. What religion do we teach our kids when we have them. She said Humanity.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Lunch with R & N during work hours...... R said she doesnt like the idea of a man doing household chores......I disagreed strongly but didnt say a word.....
U see i am on my own trip .... and that trip doesnt require that I retaliate to what anybody says about their notion of the world. I am perfectly fine without voicing my opinion.... keep quiet or saying will change nothing..... I am just fine.....
Dammit! I am so *****ng cool!
er... also slightly demented!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
My mind no longer contained
No known boundries
And no chains
I smell my fears
Touch my feelings
Feel the words
That lose themselves in me
I hesitate and walk
Thoughts like bends in the road
New and completely unknown
Courage and fear
Love and fear
Truth and fear
Feelings leap out
Without a warning
Am caught unaware
And completely suprised
trying to put a name
on that which can only be felt
and never shared in words
The inadequacy of words
for the multitudes of thoughts and feelings within
sometimes a stranger to myself
sometimes lost beyond recognition
I return to myself
Every now and then
To see what I may have found
and what I may have lost
where am i going
and how so.
Some truths sit on the shelves
they stare at me and say
you cant run away
some lies i tell myself
to avoid the heat of the moment
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
I am in love with the night sky and the night..... There is something incredibly attractive about a mountain seen in the night. A mountain that stays still - quiet, strong, silent & a night - enveloping the mountain containing it in a way that nothing else can.
I walked one such road a few days back. It held the magic and fears that make me come alive. The sweet fresh air, fireflies shining like diamonds, strong moonlight and mountains.
I also walked a little to myself. It was wonderful.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Monday, July 9, 2007
The center of my mothers house is the kitchen. Everything has evolved around it. My folks ensured that the most utilized room in our home is the dining room with the huge table occupying most of it. Everybody who visits us and shares a meal would realize that the way to my parents heart passes through the dining room. Both ma and dad are foodies. They love to talk about food. If one were to sit with us for a hearty meal (its always a hearty meal since my mother does not believe in shortcuts) one would be enlightened on the tastes and eating habits of people of various states (courtesy dads job), how the Hyderabadi Biryani differs from the Locknowi one, how the Baghara Baigun is a gastronomic wonder, why we prefer non oily food, how to get taste in low oil cooking, what to eat when you’re a heart patient and they would always welcome new recipes. Of course we’ve had visitors who had little interest in food; but surprisingly very few. Even they were treated to a large variety for my parents know of only one way of treating their guests – the royal way that passes through the dining room!
I don’t cook all that much. I tell myself that I don’t have time. That happens to be true for at least three days out of six (Huh! Or do we really have seven days in a week). I shudder at the thought of having a kid at home cause I fear I’d starve the poor thing to death or the kid would grow up and embarrass me on dining table conversation with my folks discussing not the bagara baigun of hyderabad but the delectable pizzas offered by Dominoes/ Pizza Hut or Smokin Joes and how the Chicken Supreme is made differently at each outlet!
S and I are very compatible. I don’t get the time to cook three meals a day and she doesn’t like to eat three meals a day. But then I feel guilty. I read the paper today and discovered that there is an entire generation of working women who have found ways and means (or meals!) to tackle the guilt. The easiest and the simplest way is outsourcing (And America didn’t teach us that). To find a lady who would not cheat/ steal/ who would come early morning and prepare our food. But I wish it was as simple as that.
Working along with Mom in the kitchen has taught me a lot of stuff. I know my mom would rather be a little late in serving the food than offering hastily prepared dishes. I realize that my long hours in the office are attributed to the same thing. This need to have everything just right compels me to be detailed and thorough in my work. But what I wonder is that is it possible to have results in the kitchen and office at the same time. I realize that there are only twenty four hours in a day. I have to prioritize – everyday!
A mans world is so much simpler. No babies, no cooking, no allergy to dirt in the farthest corner of the kitchen counter, probably the number of minutes it took for the bai to clean the entire house is not even registered anywhere. What joy!
I love men who don’t pressurize their better halves about the output of the kitchen while they sit scratching-you-know-what during channel surfing. The best way to love your wife/ girlfriend is to allow her the freedom to choose how she loves you. It may not involve the kitchen at all. Although most of my women friends when not under pressure naturally incline towards the kitchen.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
S & I were comfortably dry in the volvo.....
Both lost in our own worlds.... Already missing mum n dad.... who I am sure were feeling the same way.
Then in all innocence S turned to me and said... "Shaz..what have we done... in life"
That was not such a good topic to bring up..... Coz since then ... I have been troubled by it to no small measure.
"what have I done in life"..... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Sure ... theres a great job... a nice comfortable bank a/c.... everything everything... but ...... but ...
something is missing.....
If I were to leave the world tomorrow..... who would remember.... have I made a difference.... what have I given to this world which It didn't already have.....
Is there all there is....
Flashback: Age 11, Place: Kaluchak, Jammu
I was always excited..... I had so much to achieve.....like learning how to read the wall clock correctly, knowing how much change I should get from the grocery store owner, I knew every single patch of earth in my garden and all around my house, I knew every kid in the colony, I had to figure out the mystery behind those freshly ironed clothes that suddenly disappear from the bathroom and reappear in my closet, or I had to find that boy who was sitting near that button from where he controlled whether or not to send electricity in our colony...... I wanted to know what is the final end.... that if the universe didn't exist...what would be there?
Now, I don't know what my own country is like.... I haven't been to leh yet, I have only seen a handful of states, I don't know what Australia is like or the kind of food people eat in Africa.
The best years of our lives, S and I are spending in traffic jams and meetings and mumbai pune expressway.
I still haven't done any social work, I have stopped sketching, I manage a little bit of writing and thats all....
I don't remember the last time I made a new friend.....
Cause.... I am spending the best years of my life in traffic, meetings, and other stuff which nobody remembers....
So what will S and I do.......
We may not go to Australia but we may just run away to Goa or Kerela....... :)
And I will do that social work..... I will.... I will...... I will..........
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
Now that we are roomies, she has taken on certain tasks that we both prefer that she handles. Telling the bai that she needs to clean up better... telling bai to find another job next month onwards.... asking the watchman for carpenter, plumber, dhobi details .....guiding me on train related details, blah blah......is all hers
But the best and my fav part abt living with S is the "all time entertainment" that she does free of cost. She has a set of all these false tones and accents that she uses depending on the person she is addressing, time of day, her mood and the topic.
I notice, that for me .... if I need/ want someone to know me better... I want them to meet S. She is an extension of me... carrying with her a skill set that I am born without. Its not just entertainment that she is good at. I have never seen my friends "not" like her. S has an infectious laughter and great vibes...... All is fun when she around.
We have shared a lot of jokes (on varied and vast topics) all our lives...... and the fun never stopped....
I am so lucky...... I never would need a Tv :) kidding!
But I wont be me without S.
This morning I was witness to a session where I heard S talk to mom. I know the statements mom must've made while S went on and on with her false accent.
S: Mommie ... mommie ... mommie.....gugugugugugu...
Mom: Haan Beta (With a pause waiting for the tide in S' throat to subside)
I just know this..... Our lives have never been the same since S' arrival......
She even makes fun of herself when she was a baby......
To S.... the whole world appears funny (Although that is subject to moods... coz on some days... everything just seems ****ed to her!)
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
For someone like me who hates suprises (even the good ones), there is a new one every now and then. But then I knew that in advance.
Rock that boat.. rock that boat....... aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
So much for intellectual bullshit......
My day yesterday was .... eventful. Hours were spent "on-site" in sweat and grime trying to make plans only to realise later that it was a waste.......
Oh and the rain...... when it rains .. it pours here!!!!! Every single thing was drippy... clothes, umbrellas, bags, shoes and some ppls conversations.........
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
For they went to places we walked away from
Silence filled those gaps in conversations
Conversations that we never had
The world kept changing and took us along
A long way from where we started
We forgot who we used to be
Now we talk to ourselves like cordial friends
We didn't see us and we didn't see the time ahead
We didn't even see what we had
Lost confused souls
Silently approaching the years ahead
Chapters measured in years
Distances covered in seconds
A life behind two eyes
A lifetime in between.....
Monday, June 11, 2007
- Unfortunately I gotta travel "with" the traffic and not against it.....
- In a train I would always smell sweat..... not mine....
- Morning ride in train..... its better to be burned alive!
- People walk a lot...... "just next signal" turns out to be 2.5 kms away......
- There is very little time to enjoy the dough one makes.....
- So much time travelling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Women in first class would bite off the head of anybody who gets on without the pass/ ticket...
- The act of getting on/ off a train can be fine tuned through practice so that one doesnt get
- Heartfelt gesture - offering a foohold to someone in a crowded local.
- Women love to pretend sleeping while travelling.
On closely looking at the apparent chaos.... I realise there are patterns in everything..... from the queues that form automatically on the basis of the ppl getting off to finding bai's who are ready to work in wee hours of morning..... mumbai is always on the move..... new roads are constantly being made.... the old ones are changing too...... there is talk of an A/C train too......
I am now a part of the maddening crowd...... lost in the sea of faces......
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
If gandhiji were to return, he may just be horrified to see how this country runs. The politicians, the corruption, the greed and the paranoia....
I once heard someone say - the man with the gold makes the rules......to my disappointment this appears to be a universal truth..... (Thank god for the exceptions)
I work and interact in an environment where people would rather be rich than happy....
My refusal to accept the usual norms of climbing the ladder so far have not hurt.... but everywhere i look, i am the exception..... its scary but thats okay......
everyone is interested in what the other is doing.....
I want to revisit childhood but thats not a choice anymore.......
Leaders are not born that way, its what you retain while growing up that makes all the difference. To standup and say that I would not follow blindly for I am a being of reason and i must have all the whys answered before i choose to join the crowd.....
I'd rather be wrong and admit it than join a crowd for the sake of that stupid notion of safety in numbers.....
The answers to what is the right thing to do are not in others..... they are within......all i have to do is cut of the noise and listen when all is quite........ and its then that gandhi and the others come alive..... they have been there all along but you see we are just not willing to listen for truth sometimes can be more scary than hell......
If I were ayn rand..... I'd build the statue of a man ..... glorious, upright, arm stretched upwards to heaven, eyes staring straight at the sun..... I would call that statue - TRUTH...... as rightly deserved an never acknowledged!
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Each carrying a past and meaning
But words scatter before the story is made
For they were all travelling in different directions
I watch each one
I know what they say
I feel their hearts sorrow
And the joy of their souls
They have known me for long
They have owned me sometimes
But then I left for other places
And the thoughts went their own way too
....But i have made this space for something else......
It is for that little voice inside that doesnt get heard very often......
There is a lot that could be said and yet it gets bundled & slotted for later reference while somewhere I already know that whatever i wanted to express is on its way to the bin......
I would like to belive this isnt impulse or panic at having nothing to share in retrospect with close friends.....
but then who do i kid here but myself......
I have made blogs earlier and forgotten them ..... my mind says dont say that out loud.... it would reveal that u are inconsistent..... and then i hear myself closely and i feel ...... whats the harm at a new attempt.....
so here i am........
same old me with a brand new blog!