A blank page is an invitation. I am taking one right now. I have a box of assorted chocolates and lets have some right now. Some I may like and some to my horror I would know that I don't like only after they've melted on my tongue.
All of my yesterdays, my today and all of my tomorrows are in my fist. I open the palm of my hand and they begin to slide. I don't exactly fit the bill. Dressed in really sad looking purple pajamas under an over grown, safety-pinned, night gown with yellow and white socks and an oiled head. A large omelette, three cups of tea, some fruit including a banana, some bread and cheese stretched through the day. A movie too. I am far from the sight of successful and sexy. A bit of the first but too far away from the second. Nuts about all the wrong things and that includes imported cheese cubes.
I have been trying to ask myself what do I find in cooking. I mean why am I so into it. And my cruel mind throws this back - what else do you have sweets???? Hmmmmmmm. I still don't mind. Yes its true.... cooking calms me down. Sorts my head and the traffic therein. Gives me something constructive to do and helps me maintain this perfect image of a responsible sibling who doesn't starve the younger kid to death.
Superman. I have to tell you abou this too. You know in the movie "Superman returns" when superman takes off and goes to the outerspace and just hangs in there. Just closes his eyes and relaxes. I thought - Oh wow! Wish I could go someplace that was just as peaceful and quiet. Away from the crowd and noise and people and my own thoughts.
Have you ever day dreamed. I have..... bringing myself back is always a problem though. I could be listening to someone and my mind could be playing a movie..... multi-processing you see. Though this is something I am not proud of and have changed to some extent.
Thou shall kid yourself not! and yet I humor myself. I am reminded of that Sanskrit exam that I used to dread from the moment the time table arrived. I would not even touch the notes for I knew that I the moment I pick it up, it would eat me up whole and spit me out on the exam paper. I used to delay the preparation for this paper till the very end. At the eleventh hour, I would memorize everything and understand very little. And promptly allow myself to forget every word right after the exam. Everything was stored on RAM. No permanent storage allowed.
I am dreading some thoughts now. Not allowing myself to look at whats already taken shape. Somewhere my tricky mind says that if you ignore it just a while longer, it would dissolve into nothingness. But that's not true and I am learning that by experience.
At times one has to go through the struggle to free oneself from the bondage of thoughts. Not everything can be changed the way we want it to be. Desire and aversion. Desire and aversion. The misery continues. Break the circle and you are free.
I am ahead in my private battle to not disown myself for the cravings that I have nor berate myself for the dislikes I have for things around. Just to reach that ever fine balance to acknowledge whats there and then to wait it out without being disturbed. And at times its fun. To watch yourself change moment to moment. To see the intensity of your desire change and turn into a milder form of itself and then get completely replaced by yet another intense feeling and that too starts changing. My search to find my own limits. Of just about anything. Of how much I can take and how much I can give. And what can be given or taken. who starts it and where does it end.
All this jumble of words. Some missing of course. The story is always half told!
I don't listen to everything that my moronic brain throws at me. Sometimes it says such atrocious things that its hard to believe that these crazy illogical thoughts have originated between "my" ears.
Off late, I've had at least one minor victory over my anger. My gym membership expired in Dec-07. Now, it was an utter waste of money Coz I couldn't find the time for it. Anyhow, I managed for two months with long gaps in between and then finally gave up and watched hard earned money go down the drain. That hurt. Trust me! And I kept thinking these people haven't called even once to ask if I am alive and alright. Nobody called to ask why I've stopped coming. And then I thought, sure... they'll call. After they realise that the membership has expired for this moron who made 100% one time payment. And then they'll call. So I did border on rage when the call came after the membership was one week into its expiry date.
I calmed me down and told this nice gentleman who called me that I am not renewing my membership. He asked why.. he had to... So I told him that I was expecting his call before the membership expired. I told him you guys are so many people as a team and not one single person called to ask why haven't I turned up for four weeks in a row. Not one person.
I didn't say this with anger. Although I felt it. I said this with lets a little bit of sadness. The guy apologised instead of being defensive. I told him, you guys are a team. So don't apologise for everyone. But in the end, it makes a deference if the client sees a team effort and I told him its not any one persons fault. He had to say something coz I was just so right and he couldn't help it. So he said actually ma'am, our computer crashed sometime back. I let him. I said I yeah sure, I understand. I think he knows I didn't buy that. But thats okay.
I realise, sometimes, you should just lay your cards out on the table and you instantly get through the defensiveness barrier. But then, you've got to take the risk first :)
Slowing down is a good thing. I now see sunlight change colors. I see the pace of my relationships. I find the time to respond to the bends in the road. I see the road I want to take.
I see the space that people create in a friendship. I see them change that space. And while I am involved, I still can see it all from the outside. I see things happening to me and to those around me. I realise, I can't help someone else. That they too have all the answers but they aren't used to productive silence of the mind. I watch myself change the things I want to change and let go of some of the others.
I watch relationships being built and I have the time and pace to decide where I want to be an observer and where I want to get involved.
Because I can keep quiet, I find little reason to disturb the silence within.
I have found the roots and they hold well for now.
I lead myself to where ever I desire to go. Only earlier that was not a conscious event.