Its just so hard to change old habits. My mind used me yet again in a way I don't appreciate. I know its complicated to say this since this judgement is made in the head too. But I think what makes us human is that we can look at what we do and make sense/ nonsense out of it. I haven't felt real anger in a long time. The kind of anger that blind sights you and you only come to your senses when your mind has finished what it had set out to accomplish together with that part of your ego that does nothing but restrict growth and warmth. I felt that anger yesterday. And before I knew it, My plate of food had flown across the length of a room and was lying wasted in the sink. The food didn't quite make it. It took three seconds to realise what I had just done. So ashamed of myself at expressing that rage in a moment of pure madness. Knowing that I had let go of myself when I didn't want to but ended up being a slave to my own rage. I hate that. I hate that. I hate that part of me that does this to me.
There were two reasons for all this: The reason for the rage was that I realised that I had felt sorry for myself for doing some thing which I (apparently) find joy in doing. This beats the goal of doing what I like or liking what I do. Worse, my loathing for people who want to be felt sorry for, turned towards myself. And I felt the full heat of my own anger. Of realising that there still are parts of me that are exactly the same despite all the effort. They say when you are surprised at an outcome, check your premises. One of them might be wrong. I realise that maybe the effort was not enough and not in all directions.
The second reason for being upset is my moment where I gave into rage. A moment completely opposite of self control. In that moment I have to admit is total freedom (strange that I use this word). But I recall that in that one moment my goddamn mind said - now you will not be responsible for what you say or do. My ego said - go ahead! satisfy me! And boy .. did I give my ego that boost! Result, food prepared with time, effort and temporary joy, landed in the sink.
I had felt such rage almost six years back and had promised myself that I won't lose myself like this again. I didn't keep that promise.