Saturday, April 26, 2008


Have you ever had that feeling that the moment you are in is actually huge but it doesn't appear that way.... you know the defining moment which resulted in your choosing a single direction instead of all the other options......somehow I can spot those moments but only in hindsight.... I can actually see it as one huge map with all these lines going everywhere and my path chosen by the choices I have made seems crystal clear complete with those little red flags saying you took this major turn here and that turn there. Its all so clear. Of course not all decisions were right but then, you either take a call and choose your own course or someone else will do it for you. I have to my credit all of the good decisions and also all of the not so good ones. I don't think there are any bad decisions, simply because we always always always take the option that best suits us at that moment and we do it with all the limited information we have and where we stand on that fine balance of the emotional logic verus simple reason.

........ and as usual I continue on my natural inclination to talk sense and sound reasonable. Although what I really need is this --- dfmbfbfkfkjnkfnfnlflmmfmfefkekd. Yes, thats right. I need to just talk crap. I spend probably thirteen hours a day for five days a week trying to make sense of what people are saying to me (sometimes it includes what they are not saying)and trying to explain logic in small things to them... the "my side of the story".

I wish to be les thn perfct fr a chnge.Henc I shal nw tlk abt thngs tht may nt mke sens bt I lke thm fr som resun. Fr instnce I lik da loooong ride hom in a crauded lokal wth stnding room onely. ppl r caind 2 u if u hav biin standing 4r 45 mins without stepping on dem. dey wud giv upp their ceet 4r da las 10 mins auf da ride. Oh an that pheels gud.

I lik da experiments I du in da kitchen an mor so when the results are good.

I like the 4th raund auf my jogg when evry masal in mi body is screaming for me to stop and I dont.

I like tu c a warm feeling flood mi wen i talk tu an ol frend aftur a long time and ve hav this long conversaion about evrything andar da sun.

Oh an I lauuu paani poori.........

Friday, April 11, 2008

The me that changes so much that I can't keep Track

I am unable to shake off this feeling of being a part of the larger picture where I see that not everything that happens around me is something that I have actively designed. This is not deliberate but I end up keeping quiet for a long time. That's the only time I spend with me. what I see and observe is getting stacked somewhere between the ears. I often don't feel like disturbing the view by becoming a participant. It fun to find patterns. A really long time ago a very old teacher had told me that those who can relate one thing to another would always know more. And I find myself walking that road. Always on the look out to find similar patterns in things around. From the human behaviour to human body to the universe. From god to fear and from love to indifference. And I get glimpses of mysteries that reveal themselves in strange ways and moments. Sometimes I feel really wise and then there are moments of sheer and absolute stupidity. I experience too much at times. Sometimes how I feel liberates me while on some days I am a chained slave to my self.
I find myself on a head on collision with my own head. I recently turned vegetarian. People who know me well have given varied responses. There were all shades - There was surprise, there was accusation that I am turning into a Buddhist and hence the vegetarianism, there was appreciation, there was excitement (How long they ask!).... and so on and so forth. To the relentless "whys", I said - just like that. To those who actually wait for an answer I said the truth - I had to defeat my mind which had announced to me that girl... you can never leave non veg while your mother continues to make biryani. Ha! I won..... its been four months already.
There is something else I learnt, when you feel an incredible temptation, its a great high when you let it flood your mind and then instruct it that desire will not turn to action. Hence, I can smell a great biryani, see it, appreciate my moms love that she puts into it, find myself gulping and swallowing saliva that can fill a bucket and yet not eat a morsel of it. That feeling is so good... to know that I am the boss and that's different from that ruthless thing between my ears.
There are moments of great sadness. When I see the cold places of the world. By that I don't mean the north pole or simla but rather that road divider where a very old woman stood crying for twenty minutes because nobody would stop and help her cross the road. I found myself a completely helpless observer. It was a wretched feeling and I can't get rid of it. I don't want to either.
I have been with myself. I realise that I am learning (painfully slowly) that beyond a certain point, nothing can affect you. I don't mean it in a negative way. Can an accusation hurt someone. Yes but it doesn't have to. If my self worth and confidence finds its source in me and not the other person then yes, nobody can hurt me, not even me. Also, what I am is not what I do. That links with dignity of labour. Do I have a right to feel superior or arrogant in front of a janitor. If I do, then probably I am the lowest of the kind that crawls on this planet.
Trust, I taught myself that when I trust another, I am able to experience that person better and they always sense it and respond in similar way. This lead to the belief that the world is not full of bad people. Its how I am that I am will see others.
When all this goes on in my head, a natural prerequisite is silence, not just in the room, but within. And so.......... I don't talk all that much.
I think I am just about ready for an out-of-body experience. Ha!