Sunday, November 30, 2008


Perhaps I need to visit my country's past in order to understand our present and realistically dream the future.

I want to know what happened in Godhra.

Why did we bring down the babri masjid?

I want to know what led to partition.

I want to know what led to the situtation in Gujarat.

I want to know why Guwahati.

For now there are more questions than answers.

I want to know Kiran Bedi's solutions for better policing.

I want to read MJ Akbar.

I want to know what breeds hatred.

I want to understand why as an Indian Muslim (both words are important) do I feel uneasy these days.

I want to know why the fanatics scare me.

Mumbai and Me - Our ordeal

I can't watch funerals.
I can't understand how a 21 year old gathers the gall to kill people.
I can't imagine the face of that human being who can brainwash shitless kids to do the things that have no forgiveness in any court.
I can't imagine the pain of those who have lost loved ones.
I can't imagine what Rantan Tata must've felt when he walked into his own hotel on this strange Saturday morning.
I can't imagine what Arnab Goswami would've felt when he got off air for the first time after covering the events from Wednesday night to Saturday.
The world around me has changed.... painfully ... and I am scared that we will get back to normal which in my books reads as "Jaded".
I see my fellow countrymen seethe and burn with anger.
I know that as a collective audience we have developed this extreme disgust for politicians.
I know that if they showed a speech by narendra modi or raj thackrey.... I'd throw my television outside the window.
I felt happy to know that the Mrs. Karkare politely refused to meet Mr.Modi and also refused the amount he had offered. (A secondary non-critical thought - why did Mr.Modi offer money to Hemant Karkare's widow. Does he think that Maharashtra Govt. will not do the needful??).

I hold myself responsible for criticising the politicians while avoiding action at any point from my end. What have I done to elect the persons that I'd like elected. Sure there aren't too many to choose from. Why did I not protest when the political circles called Ex-President APJ Kalam "A-Political"? Why did I not stand up and tell Raj Thackrey that you can't win by dividing a state. Why did I allow Narendra Modi to polarise India into Muslims and Non-Muslims? Why do I agree to pay taxes and allow the roads to be full of potholes and trains to be bursting at seams? Why do find relief in being middle class instead of helping others?

I have walked myself to this place. Its up to me to be whoever I want to be and where ever I want to be. Am I willing to be a change agent or would I continue to just react instead of act??

I would like to finish with a small story they covered about this Greek millionaire Andreas Liveras who lost his life at the Taj Mahal Hotel at Mumbai. He wanted to have his curry despite the terror attack that he was well aware was underway. He knew he could die. But the man wanted his curry you see. I think not only did he die rich and happy (hopefully) but he died on a full stomach.

Life is short and that's all we have.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Dear God

Dear God,
This is my prayer tonight:

Let faith be stronger than doubt
& thoughts be clear not clouded
Let courage prevail over fear
Let strength win over weakness
Allow me to hear myself
Allow peace to prevail
Love to prosper
Let there be harmony all around
Give strength to overcome obstacles
Sight to reduce the enormity of problems

Dear god, be with me.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

You & I

Love walks in with sunshine and rain laden clouds
All at the same time

I am drenched
soaked to the bone
Am happy
and content
as dry earth with first rains

A wine glass
filled to the brim
Aroma that escaped the fire
and brought strangers home

Hands and touch

Smooth and rough

Bruise on silk

A long road
A companion
A hand to hold

Hope and dreams
Fear and excitement

We come alive
Like life in the seed
Like the forest fire
Like wilderness

The end to one search
An answer
A new road

A new direction

God smiles down
All is well at last!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Hits & Misses

I am uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable because I made someone else uncomfortable. Someone I care about. That's saying the word "uncomfortable" too many times.

So we cut the crap.

Ever happened to you when you meet someone you know and in the first ten seconds of meeting that person you and that person try to figure out exactly how to greet each other. Its awkward. The person opens his arms to hug you and by then you've already stretched your hand out to shake his. And then you suddenly realise .. oops! and you open your arms and take one reluctant step forward and find his hand stretched aping you. Oops again!

Now try and recall that feeling. That's how I feel right now!

Ever cracked a joke and found you ended up insulting the person in front of you! Or the way round, when you didn't find the joke funny and the person realised that and acknowledged your reaction with slight embarrassment!

Its time for a walk.... to clear things!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Bags And Stuff

There are somethings that are like a bag. The bag has no shape. Its white cloth. You put your hand in while you really can't see much of what you touch and feel inside the bag and then suddenly something pricks your finger. You quickly put pull your hand out and examine your finger where sits a tiny red dot that gets redder and angrier. You try and remember that there are good things too... inside the bag. Tough luck. We'll try again. And then you do. You put your hand in again. A little cautiously. You try and feel the things inside the bag. Odd shapes, smooth surfaces, A box, A bell, A chocolate maybe ... stuff. Odd stuff. And you are still guessing ... you still can't see anything. You know you should avoid sharp things, pointed things so you look for harmless feeling things coz you see... you still can't see inside the bag!

Know what I mean ?

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I don't know who I am

I have never been so angry for so long....without knowing the reason for it. I am consistently collecting guilt by the gallon and yet continuing on my bull in china shop routine with tender hearts around. Rot in hell.... yes I will. I know I should stop the nonsense but the expression of anger is so self consuming that I attack first and then sit reflecting on the damage. Every single rule is being broken. As if it is some suppressed desire. I am leaving my carefully constructed comfort zones. In fact I got out of them without even knowing it. A lot is changing (I am changing everything - consciously!) and I guess I have a bad reaction to it. I have become a stranger to those who have known me forever and also to myself. Unpredictable, Edgy, sarcastic, angry, Impatient. These days I am not what I know myself to be. Which brings me to a scary realisation. I am changing - at least right now - and I can't seem to help it.

I don't know myself anymore!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

The Answer

A struggle raging within
The crystal glass gets chipped
A tiny dream
A dark night
A single ray of sun shine
A hand in mine
A thought sails on a sigh
An old friend returns
Hides in a ghost
The ghost is a friend
Painted in a corner
The truth sits staring from the shelf
Love outside my window
Fear inside the closet
A sturdy shoulder
A firm grip
A stable mind
Fingers entwined with mine
A presence
Love and the long road home
An answer to some questions
A soul
A presence
The end of the road