Monday, September 24, 2007

While I am worried about the future..... I often forgetting that the "now" that I have is here...waiting for me .....
When I am running so much in my head..... I find it difficult to slow down and walk. The leap seems easier than the gait. Its so hard to change.
Sometimes I wish the clock would stop. I feel that way when I am either very happy (so that it lasts forever) or very sad (so everything stays still and the madness stops right there). But then again... if wishes were horses.....
A shrug is a good thing. Atlas shrugged remember! Things dont change overnight. They have to be worked at. You cant change the habits of a lifetime in ten seconds.


I came to a startling realisation today evening. I realised that I had always resisted at some level the Islamic wisdom to fear nothing and nobody but the god above.

And then I thought about what I had been thinking the past one week. I have lately been acutely aware of fears.... all kinds of fears.... And I remember telling myself that now on I am not going to let fear (and if possible anger) take control of me. I am going to fear nothing. I may not succeed all the time but I am going to try.

Infact as I write this .... there are a couple of scary thoughts that are circling inside my head.... buts thats all right. There is presence is acknowledged and kept aside as data. What I want to do will not necessarily be driven by those thoughts.

I feel closer to myself and god when I am not afraid. Today I asked S. What religion do we teach our kids when we have them. She said Humanity.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Chocolate and Me

Chocolate Pastry.........
Five layers of cake and chocolate........thick smooth on top... soft and creamy inside........maybe 10,000 calories.........and a hundred odd stomach crunches from the mirror image i want to see.....
What did that pastry satisfy.......... it put a lid on that monstrous pause that sayed the entire day with me.....

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Loose disconnected realities

I am right now in that blank moment that come after one has achived what one had set out to. So basically waiting for the next thrill.... upset with myself for wanting such non-lasting feelings....


Lunch with R & N during work hours...... R said she doesnt like the idea of a man doing household chores......I disagreed strongly but didnt say a word.....
U see i am on my own trip .... and that trip doesnt require that I retaliate to what anybody says about their notion of the world. I am perfectly fine without voicing my opinion.... keep quiet or saying will change nothing..... I am just fine.....

Dammit! I am so *****ng cool!

er... also slightly demented!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


I float
My mind no longer contained
No known boundries
And no chains

I smell my fears
Touch my feelings
Feel the words
That lose themselves in me

I hesitate and walk
Thoughts like bends in the road
New and completely unknown
Courage and fear
Love and fear
Truth and fear

Feelings leap out
Without a warning
Am caught unaware
And completely suprised
trying to put a name
on that which can only be felt
and never shared in words

The inadequacy of words
for the multitudes of thoughts and feelings within
sometimes a stranger to myself
sometimes lost beyond recognition

I return to myself
Every now and then
To see what I may have found
and what I may have lost
where am i going
and how so.

Some truths sit on the shelves
they stare at me and say
you cant run away
some lies i tell myself
to avoid the heat of the moment

Sunday, September 16, 2007

My Smart "S"

Yesterday was one of my proudest moment with S. She and I were returning from somewhere..... were on our activa...with me riding... both without helmets.....A cop pulls up along side and asks us to stop. We pull over. He asks me for my license and I show it to him. He says he would fine us 100 bucks. He also says... that I can collect my license in four days time meanwhile he would issue me a temp license. By then S is visibly agitated. She asks this cop.... why are we being fines. He says highway driving without helmet. Then I ask him if he will give me a reciept for my fine and he says no. So S says - you cant keep the license. You cant take the money without the reciept. She then tuns the full heat on this apparently dilligent ***** cop. She pulls out her phone while telling him that I know you are tricking me and I know the rules buddy. She says to the cop --- wait I'll call Mr.X and cross check what you are saying. On hearing Mr.X' name... the cop goes into shock. His ****ing expression completely changes and for the first time the ***er smiles.... and that was the stupidest smile ever! He hands me my license. Says - madam pls wait by the side of the road.... I'll be back in five mins..... and he speeds off......
What do I do - I move to the side of the road. S says - S u gotta run.... the ****er just gave us a ****ing window! Run! Run!.... and we ran off!
Yes I can be incredibly stupid.... and in comparison with S in that moment.... I was astoundingly stupid.....I was actually gonna wait for that guy to come back .... :)
S and I laughed about it the whole day. I asked her if she really knew Mr X.... who is a top official in traffic police.... and she said yes.... she has met at work....
I think i am gonna remember for a long time what a running cop looks like.....

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Night Sky

I am in love with the night sky and the night..... There is something incredibly attractive about a mountain seen in the night. A mountain that stays still - quiet, strong, silent & a night - enveloping the mountain containing it in a way that nothing else can.

I walked one such road a few days back. It held the magic and fears that make me come alive. The sweet fresh air, fireflies shining like diamonds, strong moonlight and mountains.

I also walked a little to myself. It was wonderful.