Friday, April 11, 2008

The me that changes so much that I can't keep Track

I am unable to shake off this feeling of being a part of the larger picture where I see that not everything that happens around me is something that I have actively designed. This is not deliberate but I end up keeping quiet for a long time. That's the only time I spend with me. what I see and observe is getting stacked somewhere between the ears. I often don't feel like disturbing the view by becoming a participant. It fun to find patterns. A really long time ago a very old teacher had told me that those who can relate one thing to another would always know more. And I find myself walking that road. Always on the look out to find similar patterns in things around. From the human behaviour to human body to the universe. From god to fear and from love to indifference. And I get glimpses of mysteries that reveal themselves in strange ways and moments. Sometimes I feel really wise and then there are moments of sheer and absolute stupidity. I experience too much at times. Sometimes how I feel liberates me while on some days I am a chained slave to my self.
I find myself on a head on collision with my own head. I recently turned vegetarian. People who know me well have given varied responses. There were all shades - There was surprise, there was accusation that I am turning into a Buddhist and hence the vegetarianism, there was appreciation, there was excitement (How long they ask!).... and so on and so forth. To the relentless "whys", I said - just like that. To those who actually wait for an answer I said the truth - I had to defeat my mind which had announced to me that girl... you can never leave non veg while your mother continues to make biryani. Ha! I won..... its been four months already.
There is something else I learnt, when you feel an incredible temptation, its a great high when you let it flood your mind and then instruct it that desire will not turn to action. Hence, I can smell a great biryani, see it, appreciate my moms love that she puts into it, find myself gulping and swallowing saliva that can fill a bucket and yet not eat a morsel of it. That feeling is so good... to know that I am the boss and that's different from that ruthless thing between my ears.
There are moments of great sadness. When I see the cold places of the world. By that I don't mean the north pole or simla but rather that road divider where a very old woman stood crying for twenty minutes because nobody would stop and help her cross the road. I found myself a completely helpless observer. It was a wretched feeling and I can't get rid of it. I don't want to either.
I have been with myself. I realise that I am learning (painfully slowly) that beyond a certain point, nothing can affect you. I don't mean it in a negative way. Can an accusation hurt someone. Yes but it doesn't have to. If my self worth and confidence finds its source in me and not the other person then yes, nobody can hurt me, not even me. Also, what I am is not what I do. That links with dignity of labour. Do I have a right to feel superior or arrogant in front of a janitor. If I do, then probably I am the lowest of the kind that crawls on this planet.
Trust, I taught myself that when I trust another, I am able to experience that person better and they always sense it and respond in similar way. This lead to the belief that the world is not full of bad people. Its how I am that I am will see others.
When all this goes on in my head, a natural prerequisite is silence, not just in the room, but within. And so.......... I don't talk all that much.
I think I am just about ready for an out-of-body experience. Ha!

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