There is a pause between me and a blank page and in this case the "create post" window. I have often been disturbed by something that doesn't really surface but yet lurks behind in my mind. It doesn't translate into words so I can do something about it. Life does exist in greys.
It occurred to me that I should perhaps not be disappointed when thoughts don't come through as words for me to put on my blog or journal. When I get frustrated by my apparent failure I ignore what happens in that pause. The impregnated pause that makes me pick my thoughts, examine them, turn them over in my mind to see what lies beneath them and to discover a feeling or two.
I read quotable quotes religiously in the sunday paper. Very thought provoking. So thought provoking that I thought to myself - watching a route chalked out on a map is quite different than travelling and discovering it by experience. A quotable quote is like that. Someone else's lived through wisdom. I may have read hundreds but how many did I arrive at? Perhaps only a handful. So my life is enriched only by a handful of these truths. What we read.. we often forget. Chances of forgetting are drastically low when one goes through the experience of arriving at a conclusion which when quoted goes into the sunday papers' Quotable quotes. I would like to arrive at these conclusions... as many as possible.
The mind is free but the body is enslaved by the elements that put it together. It responds to the immediate surroundings. Its a fine balance between the two - the mind and the body. Some days I experience myself being tilted to one in comparison to another. For neither my mind nor my body are bound to me.
The most endearing of truths are simple and not complicated. The source of happiness that I seek is always available to me. It lies with me but am I capable to deal with it? Today I feel a certain calm inside. A leveling of thoughts. A subsiding of feelings that are often in turmoil. I can enjoy it better when I know for certain that this balance will not last. Its here right now for me and I should live in the moment. Its a liberating feeling. The noise around and the constant pressure of everyday life blocks out that inner guiding voice. The voice that constantly whispers to you and tells you what you truly want.
Several years ago the first time I laid my eyes on the famous "No Fear" logo on a car; I said to myself - what is this? Now when I see it. I see it in completely different light. My relationship with fear is rather personal you see. I have found myself a constant companion of fear. It took me maybe twenty six years to realise this one truth about myself. It took me more time to realise that until you find it, you can't deal with it. And then to realise that even though I try to face my usual fears, I fail quite often. I also realise that I feel on top of the world whenever I have conquered any one fear of mine - For instance the fear of intimacy or the fear of expressing feelings or the fear of appearing idiotic or the fear of being judged and many more (I have a list). And so I never stop trying. In fact its amusing when I realise I am scared of something. For when I found fear, I also found that god was generous with me in courage. So you see, I now understand and respect and admire that logo of "No Fear". In fact I downright love it :-)