Monday, September 20, 2010

Another Circle Around My Mind Space

There are a few words that are playing in my head like an endless infinite loop. They are from the very famous ad campaign from mastercard. There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there is mastercard.

Today I reflect that indeed there are some things money can never buy. But that's not the end of it. There are some feelings that words can't express, there are some thoughts that mind can't read. There is some beauty that can't be captured in any medium. There are so many things that we think and feel and know at a level that we ourselves take a while to welcome them into our conscious mind. Its true - what the mind can believe, it can achieve.

You know something, I can sit here and bullshit all I want but I know I am hiding behind this intelligent sounding advise which actually everybody knows without my saying it. So here goes (Help me god!).

Sometimes I sit really really far away from something that scares me. Hows that for courage. Usually I make such scary thoughts sit in a really dark spot in my head and I make sure the door is locked and I then go about avoiding mirrors or time alone lest they peep out somehow and stare at me. I don't know how they do that. They behave like friends that you have fought with. You know, always lurking in the background knowing they aren't welcome. I usually spend a lot of my time in such stupid running away activities. Sometimes a really big decision is scary as hell. You know those life altering decisions after which you tell others and yourself - Well, I have made my bed so now I have to sleep in it.

Truth is my mind is really trying to avoid what my heart has plastered on the wall. So naturally I am in trouble. Nothing new about that.

I am the beast that resists change and my life is changing so much right now that I don't know what else to do besides being really anxious. What do you do when you face the unpredictable future that comes with a new job or say a marriage? I have quit a six year old decently paying job. I was doing well but felt like a frog in a well so the desperate need for newer waters and challenges made me take a leap of faith. So here I am in a free fall and not knowing that the ground I shall break my fall on is not squishy and sad or green and firm.

Sometimes I am shocked when somebody tells me you know its good that you have taken control of your life. And I think - control! Me! HEEHAW My decisions are a lot of emotions and thankfully little practical sense. I don't think that's a good balance anyway.

I know that people who take great risks have a fifty percent chance of great rewards. I know all the gyan (knowledge) about how one has to get out there and make it happen if they want their dreams to come true. But heck! nobody told you its so bloody scary. Maybe I am a fattoo (In Mumbai that's what you call someone who gets scared easily).

I am at some level aware that there are signs for me to read. I have pondered over what meaning shall I bring to my life. There are some things that I know I must do. My projects that will have my commitment and my desire both. Its not about money. There are some people who know why they are here. I have vague notions of it but the time is not right and I know it and I will know when it is right. I also know its not about money and it never has been.

The signs are everywhere. The books that I pick up to read. The issues that bother me concerning the world around me near and far. The current affairs of my country that are shaping my mind and I seem to be an observer somehow instead of a participant. I know I am on a certain road and that there is some distance to cover before my work actually begins.

I read a wonderful book by Greg Mortenson - Three cups of Tea. I am moved. What it really takes is your belief and your hard work to bring about the change that you want to see. How do you want to leave the world you got lucky to be born in. What do you want to do with your life. I think that's a very important question. I also see it as sacred.

I picked up another book - Illusions by Richard Bach. I was thinking about magic and signs when a close friend said that I should pick up this book. I did. Profound is the word that comes to my mind. The happiest people are maybe those who are doing what makes them happy. There is a world inside and outside waiting to be explored. But are you too busy catching the next cab to a happening joint in town. Whatever be your trip. Find your happiness and know that you will want something else later.

And then I picked up Arundhati Roy's book of essays - Listening to grass hoppers. Detailed methodical harsh funny sarcastic and very needed in the times of today. Covers topics that concern those who are interested in India's political and economic landscape that is changing before our eyes and after reading her I realise, you should not believe everything that the papers and news channels speak. Its a disturbing book because it presents a very grim reality. The reality which a collective conscience of Indian society would much rather avoid than acknowledge. She has courage to confront and drag you to the mirror with her. Buy it only if you have jigra (balls, courage).

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