I am looking for a bit of myself
The One that got lost along the way
The girl who had wonder in her eyes
And faith in her heart
Who trusted easily and forgave quickly
She could cry when hurt
Got scared quite often
She carried her childhood along
She didn't stay angry with herself
I didn't listen to her much
And admonished her often
I didn't value her much and didn't hide this either
She could write beautiful poetry
She made me feel better when she wrote
She stayed up nights with me when I was low
She could travel easily between her head and her heart
Her feelings were a riot of bright and dark colors
Her face showed what she felt
She was often lonely
But she was loved by those who knew her
She wrote when alone and she wrote beautifully
She was also gullible this girl I knew
And awfully sweet
To her the world was new everyday
I am so sorry that I let her go
And I look for her everyday.
My blog is just a bundle of random thoughts and says very clearly how I use my head or heart and on rare occasions..both.....
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
India and Its Fabric
Strange are the ways of the lord... I have seen so much grief, treachery, corruption that it is enough to make one hate. Hate the system, the people who run it and ask God why does he allow the loot. All the problems that India faces today are stories of neglect - Dalits, Muslims, Tribals, people from north-east, naxals are all the step children of the Indian government. I agree when the family is large, a few kids are bound to feel neglected but don't allow it to become chronic. And that's why God made hero's and he sends them at the right time. He sends selfless people who serve others for the sake of serving others and whose reward is the satisfaction they get from helping others. He sends officers who are incorruptible, he allows people like kiran bedi, arvind kejriwal, medha patkar, teetsa setalvad, anna hazare, aruna roy and many more. He sends government servants like Officer sanjeev bhat, justice hegde, manmohan singh. When our collective patience was wearing thin, he sent an idea through a frail man who refused food for twelve days.
The lok sabha today debated the jan lokpal bill. The speeches of our esteemed elected representatives were worth listening to. I am sure they were aware the eyes and the ears of an entire nation were on them. Where ever this goes from here, I am immensely happy. Happy to know that this government has had to shrug its aristocratic arrogance and bow down to the will of the common man. The euphoria in the air is contagious. The happiness reminds me of the night we won the world cup. No matter how much others and we ourselves criticise us and our way of functioning, I am confident that very few nations can achieve what we did today with peace and harmony. We made an elephant pass through a key hole. We did. And that's why I will sleep with a smile on my lips. I am today immensely proud as an Indian. when we are bad, we are very bad but when good happens its a burst of energy. This country of mine is woven today in a fabric that I like. My hair stand on ends when I hear the national anthem. There are many things that are not right but as a nation we are taking the right steps. Almost none of these steps have been easy but we are still on the road and the journey will be long and hard both. But I am a happy Indian today.
The lok sabha today debated the jan lokpal bill. The speeches of our esteemed elected representatives were worth listening to. I am sure they were aware the eyes and the ears of an entire nation were on them. Where ever this goes from here, I am immensely happy. Happy to know that this government has had to shrug its aristocratic arrogance and bow down to the will of the common man. The euphoria in the air is contagious. The happiness reminds me of the night we won the world cup. No matter how much others and we ourselves criticise us and our way of functioning, I am confident that very few nations can achieve what we did today with peace and harmony. We made an elephant pass through a key hole. We did. And that's why I will sleep with a smile on my lips. I am today immensely proud as an Indian. when we are bad, we are very bad but when good happens its a burst of energy. This country of mine is woven today in a fabric that I like. My hair stand on ends when I hear the national anthem. There are many things that are not right but as a nation we are taking the right steps. Almost none of these steps have been easy but we are still on the road and the journey will be long and hard both. But I am a happy Indian today.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Bestfriends And Lovers
There are boyfriends, then there are lovers, some we call partners, husbands, better halves so on and so forth.
I believe that a lover turned husband is very different from best friend turned husband. You don't create sparks they happen if they have to. With the best friend the jars for trust, understanding are already full when the relationship changes to legally wedded partners. You already know so much about the other. A lover on the other hand may or may not become a best friend. Its good if he does but then again its fine if he doesn't. Everybody doesn't fit into all costumes. That's why married folks still have friends that they continue to confide into with out the fear that it may hurt the relationship or the fear of being judged. I think it may in fact be very healthy to have friendships that are outside the marriage. Sometimes our friends may give us a perspective which we accept wholeheartedly while we may have rejected it had our partner said the same. Its like .. after a while we don't listen to our mothers while they are trying to drive good sense into us... leading to "I told you so".
I may be romantic with my lover but not my best friend and what happens when its the same person. Well in that case, there is a newness to the relationship and I will look at that person in new light and he will find me different too. Our expectations from the same person will change and then one may realise that someone is a great friend but not a great partner. Then you end up losing the friend and not getting the partner you wanted. I believe that our fears are different in each relationship we value.
Somehow I feel that friends should be friends and lovers should be lovers and mixing the two should be avoided. Keep life simple ...silly!
I believe that a lover turned husband is very different from best friend turned husband. You don't create sparks they happen if they have to. With the best friend the jars for trust, understanding are already full when the relationship changes to legally wedded partners. You already know so much about the other. A lover on the other hand may or may not become a best friend. Its good if he does but then again its fine if he doesn't. Everybody doesn't fit into all costumes. That's why married folks still have friends that they continue to confide into with out the fear that it may hurt the relationship or the fear of being judged. I think it may in fact be very healthy to have friendships that are outside the marriage. Sometimes our friends may give us a perspective which we accept wholeheartedly while we may have rejected it had our partner said the same. Its like .. after a while we don't listen to our mothers while they are trying to drive good sense into us... leading to "I told you so".
I may be romantic with my lover but not my best friend and what happens when its the same person. Well in that case, there is a newness to the relationship and I will look at that person in new light and he will find me different too. Our expectations from the same person will change and then one may realise that someone is a great friend but not a great partner. Then you end up losing the friend and not getting the partner you wanted. I believe that our fears are different in each relationship we value.
Somehow I feel that friends should be friends and lovers should be lovers and mixing the two should be avoided. Keep life simple ...silly!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Restless Beast
A restlessness rises and decides to stay
moving from one thought to next
seeking something that it cant define
eager to be satisfied
it remains empty hollow
the mist of rain outside
the hum of the air conditioner
the crowds on the streets
a cloudy evening by the lake
the silence evaporated with the crowds
two worlds
a silent canvas of clouds water and blue night skies
a screaming sweltering bustling thumping beast of the city
living like twins
together and apart
i am alive
aware
sensing seeking searching
moving from one thought to next
seeking something that it cant define
eager to be satisfied
it remains empty hollow
the mist of rain outside
the hum of the air conditioner
the crowds on the streets
a cloudy evening by the lake
the silence evaporated with the crowds
two worlds
a silent canvas of clouds water and blue night skies
a screaming sweltering bustling thumping beast of the city
living like twins
together and apart
i am alive
aware
sensing seeking searching
Thursday, March 24, 2011
To Madness
Sometimes insanity is not so bad. Its good for the mind to scrub itself once in a while. Traffic jams make you appreciate shortcuts that you pick up to escape the chaos. Incoherent thoughts are not so incoherent. The chatter of the mind has a pattern. Listen. Close your eyes. You've been talking to yourself for a while now .. haven't you. And then your conscious mind is constantly trying to avoid the ears from hearing what you are whispering to yourself in your sleep.... Hahahahahahah
But now that you are mad. You are free! What exuberance... like that twinkle in the eye of the mad man seconds before he leaps from the window. Free like a bird to .. to... to... to what? No no .. don't listen. This is not the time to think... Because you've destroyed rational thought. You've convinced yourself that thinking is one of the most dangerous of pass times. Insanity is the answer to freedom and a life without expectations.
:) I am free now that I am mad.... hahahahhahaha!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Love-ly Turmoil
I feel many things at many levels. I feel withdrawn unto myself and am with me. Not alone. I am with me. Aware of the tide of feelings that course through. Aware of pain and fear. Aware of confusion. In touch with the sequence of events unfurling before me. Bracing myself for the worst. Damn Capricornian traits! Always preparing for the worst and hoping for the opposite. I am a Capricorn girl. A mountain goat. I know I can be pretty head strong when I make up my mind. I dislike confusion. But then, don't we all. I don't even like the fact that I have used seven "I's" in six sentences. Tch Tch!
At times every things seems to be in slow motion. This is one of those times. Something big is happening and my mind has slowed down ... for what... soften the blow! Ha! The mind is up to its own tricks!
You know I am babbling! Usually I babble when I can't find the courage to say what I should be saying! Ha! More nervous laughter! I am now laying a trap!... for me!!!
Bottom line.... I am sacred shitless of the fact that what I want may come true and then my mind will convince itself that I am right again in not wanting it anymore! you know ... the shifting goal theory and all!
The thing is... how do you stop the chattering mind to be able to hear that gentlest of whispers that come from your heart! Listen to it! And I am trying!
How hard is it to look yourself in the mirror and not lie to yourself! And I tell myself... do it dammit! You are made of sterner stuff! Go on.. leap!
Like I said... I am feeling many things at many levels!
So lets change the subject...
... so tell me... what is love? How do you know that you love someone? Do people change when they are in love? Can you fall out of love? Can you love someone even if they cause you pain? When should you walk away? What should make you stay? How do you love yourself?
I keep coming back to my original thought... Love is the most selfish emotion of all. But in a good way!
When we say I love you... isn't it also about our need to say it rather than the other's need to hear it! Don't we feel better when we have someone to love. Forget that crap about being socially acceptable and all the stuff about being single stigma as in ...say... Bridget Jones Diary, etc etc. There is a vast population that wants to be in a relationship ... with anybody... they don't want to be single and that's all that matters. But we are talking here deep stuff... a real relationship.
I have seen the form of love change... from romantic love to something a lot more deeper, understated and firm. But I also feel depths of aloofness at times. And at that time I hear nothing from behind my left lung! Not even a whisper. Its that which scares me.
.... So now I am done! Are you?
At times every things seems to be in slow motion. This is one of those times. Something big is happening and my mind has slowed down ... for what... soften the blow! Ha! The mind is up to its own tricks!
You know I am babbling! Usually I babble when I can't find the courage to say what I should be saying! Ha! More nervous laughter! I am now laying a trap!... for me!!!
Bottom line.... I am sacred shitless of the fact that what I want may come true and then my mind will convince itself that I am right again in not wanting it anymore! you know ... the shifting goal theory and all!
The thing is... how do you stop the chattering mind to be able to hear that gentlest of whispers that come from your heart! Listen to it! And I am trying!
How hard is it to look yourself in the mirror and not lie to yourself! And I tell myself... do it dammit! You are made of sterner stuff! Go on.. leap!
Like I said... I am feeling many things at many levels!
So lets change the subject...
... so tell me... what is love? How do you know that you love someone? Do people change when they are in love? Can you fall out of love? Can you love someone even if they cause you pain? When should you walk away? What should make you stay? How do you love yourself?
I keep coming back to my original thought... Love is the most selfish emotion of all. But in a good way!
When we say I love you... isn't it also about our need to say it rather than the other's need to hear it! Don't we feel better when we have someone to love. Forget that crap about being socially acceptable and all the stuff about being single stigma as in ...say... Bridget Jones Diary, etc etc. There is a vast population that wants to be in a relationship ... with anybody... they don't want to be single and that's all that matters. But we are talking here deep stuff... a real relationship.
I have seen the form of love change... from romantic love to something a lot more deeper, understated and firm. But I also feel depths of aloofness at times. And at that time I hear nothing from behind my left lung! Not even a whisper. Its that which scares me.
.... So now I am done! Are you?
Saturday, January 15, 2011
And the Question Is...
I learnt something new. I know I like to question things. Why they are the way they are. Sometimes that leads to doubt ....confusion. I am not talking about stars, moon, highways, food inflation or such. Most often it starts with a feeling... Mostly I don't care when I am happy but when I am sad and don't know why, I think.
I learnt everybody is not okay with that. Everybody doesn't like to think about things that seem to have no upfront answers.
We want our world to make sense and we want the truth to be convenient. The latter is very important to most people. When its not, we invent it. We lie to ourselves. We lie to others. Anything, but the truth or the confusion that surrounds it when we can't arrive at it.
We don't like it when someone wears their feelings on their sleeve. We don't want to know what ails the person next to us. We desire to hear good things. When we don't have answers to their questions, we tell them that they think too much. Alternatively, when we meet someone who "seems" to have their immediate world sorted out... we are very impressed. Impressed that they ask no stupid questions that baffle us and our logic.
I often ask myself, what do I want and what will make me happy. And mostly never think in days or weeks. Its just what will make me happy without any time lines. A grilled cheese sandwich with hot coffee would do for now but one year and throughout the year, what will work? Do I want a big car like so and so? Do I want a posh house like that other friend? Do I want a change in career. What will make me happy?
I learnt everybody is not okay with that. Everybody doesn't like to think about things that seem to have no upfront answers.
We want our world to make sense and we want the truth to be convenient. The latter is very important to most people. When its not, we invent it. We lie to ourselves. We lie to others. Anything, but the truth or the confusion that surrounds it when we can't arrive at it.
We don't like it when someone wears their feelings on their sleeve. We don't want to know what ails the person next to us. We desire to hear good things. When we don't have answers to their questions, we tell them that they think too much. Alternatively, when we meet someone who "seems" to have their immediate world sorted out... we are very impressed. Impressed that they ask no stupid questions that baffle us and our logic.
I often ask myself, what do I want and what will make me happy. And mostly never think in days or weeks. Its just what will make me happy without any time lines. A grilled cheese sandwich with hot coffee would do for now but one year and throughout the year, what will work? Do I want a big car like so and so? Do I want a posh house like that other friend? Do I want a change in career. What will make me happy?
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