Sunday, February 27, 2011

Love-ly Turmoil

I feel many things at many levels. I feel withdrawn unto myself and am with me. Not alone. I am with me. Aware of the tide of feelings that course through. Aware of pain and fear. Aware of confusion. In touch with the sequence of events unfurling before me. Bracing myself for the worst. Damn Capricornian traits! Always preparing for the worst and hoping for the opposite. I am a Capricorn girl. A mountain goat. I know I can be pretty head strong when I make up my mind. I dislike confusion. But then, don't we all. I don't even like the fact that I have used seven "I's" in six sentences. Tch Tch!
At times every things seems to be in slow motion. This is one of those times. Something big is happening and my mind has slowed down ... for what... soften the blow! Ha! The mind is up to its own tricks!
You know I am babbling! Usually I babble when I can't find the courage to say what I should be saying! Ha! More nervous laughter! I am now laying a trap!... for me!!!
Bottom line.... I am sacred shitless of the fact that what I want may come true and then my mind will convince itself that I am right again in not wanting it anymore! you know ... the shifting goal theory and all!
The thing is... how do you stop the chattering mind to be able to hear that gentlest of whispers that come from your heart! Listen to it! And I am trying!

How hard is it to look yourself in the mirror and not lie to yourself! And I tell myself... do it dammit! You are made of sterner stuff! Go on.. leap!

Like I said... I am feeling many things at many levels!

So lets change the subject...

... so tell me... what is love? How do you know that you love someone? Do people change when they are in love? Can you fall out of love? Can you love someone even if they cause you pain? When should you walk away? What should make you stay? How do you love yourself?

I keep coming back to my original thought... Love is the most selfish emotion of all. But in a good way!

When we say I love you... isn't it also about our need to say it rather than the other's need to hear it! Don't we feel better when we have someone to love. Forget that crap about being socially acceptable and all the stuff about being single stigma as in ...say... Bridget Jones Diary, etc etc. There is a vast population that wants to be in a relationship ... with anybody... they don't want to be single and that's all that matters. But we are talking here deep stuff... a real relationship.

I have seen the form of love change... from romantic love to something a lot more deeper, understated and firm. But I also feel depths of aloofness at times. And at that time I hear nothing from behind my left lung! Not even a whisper. Its that which scares me.

.... So now I am done! Are you?


1 comment:

Hoang Thu Huyen said...

hi,
I find this entry very deep and exactly what I have been through. So thank you. I am a Capricorn girl as well.

Regarding your question, I knew I love someone when I realized that I cared for them before I did for myself. But "nothing lasts forever, and we both know that hearts can change". We all know that. I'm still in confusion right now. I decided to walk away when I saw happiness in their eyes when they are with another, not me. What keep me moving on now is the love I've been giving to myself. All I need is just time, to feel balanced enough, and to be able to love again. I don't expect a thing but I live with gratitude to make my life easier.

I wish you peace and love every day as you are a good girl, and you deserve it that way.

Huyen