Sunday, January 20, 2008

Balancing Act

Thou shall kid yourself not! and yet I humor myself. I am reminded of that Sanskrit exam that I used to dread from the moment the time table arrived. I would not even touch the notes for I knew that I the moment I pick it up, it would eat me up whole and spit me out on the exam paper. I used to delay the preparation for this paper till the very end. At the eleventh hour, I would memorize everything and understand very little. And promptly allow myself to forget every word right after the exam. Everything was stored on RAM. No permanent storage allowed.

I am dreading some thoughts now. Not allowing myself to look at whats already taken shape. Somewhere my tricky mind says that if you ignore it just a while longer, it would dissolve into nothingness. But that's not true and I am learning that by experience.

At times one has to go through the struggle to free oneself from the bondage of thoughts. Not everything can be changed the way we want it to be. Desire and aversion. Desire and aversion. The misery continues. Break the circle and you are free.

I am ahead in my private battle to not disown myself for the cravings that I have nor berate myself for the dislikes I have for things around. Just to reach that ever fine balance to acknowledge whats there and then to wait it out without being disturbed. And at times its fun. To watch yourself change moment to moment. To see the intensity of your desire change and turn into a milder form of itself and then get completely replaced by yet another intense feeling and that too starts changing. My search to find my own limits. Of just about anything. Of how much I can take and how much I can give. And what can be given or taken. who starts it and where does it end.

All this jumble of words. Some missing of course. The story is always half told!

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