Sunday, November 2, 2008

I don't know who I am

I have never been so angry for so long....without knowing the reason for it. I am consistently collecting guilt by the gallon and yet continuing on my bull in china shop routine with tender hearts around. Rot in hell.... yes I will. I know I should stop the nonsense but the expression of anger is so self consuming that I attack first and then sit reflecting on the damage. Every single rule is being broken. As if it is some suppressed desire. I am leaving my carefully constructed comfort zones. In fact I got out of them without even knowing it. A lot is changing (I am changing everything - consciously!) and I guess I have a bad reaction to it. I have become a stranger to those who have known me forever and also to myself. Unpredictable, Edgy, sarcastic, angry, Impatient. These days I am not what I know myself to be. Which brings me to a scary realisation. I am changing - at least right now - and I can't seem to help it.

I don't know myself anymore!


LC said...

not everything is meant to be perfect, and pre-decided. your anger is going to subside, and you will still find those people whp instilled the feelings of guilt in you standing by your side.
Love you always,

Kau Kau goes the Crow said...

I was planning to meet you sometime soon with Gauri for a meal at Le Cafe..but reading this have deferred the plan to maybe next year till your change process is compete;-)

I love changelings and have read stories of frogs turning into princes.. but here is a princess wanting to reverse the process..

If that happens then we shift the venue from Le Cafe to maybe a Lotus Leaf in some murky pond and gorge on blue bottle flies

Anonymous said...

I really dont how to react to this but why are you pushing yourself so much. just let things just take their own pace and enjoy them happen in front of your eyes. I came across this somewhere, the only certainty in life is that every thing is uncertain!
cheers for now!
Mick forever...........