Slow burn

The night sky burns tonight
For the star dust is burning white
Aglow is the earth and the mountains therein
A distant shimmering sight

The breeze carries the embers
Distant corners of a diwali night
A river smokes and glows alone
With the burning white light

The night burns slow
A slow walk to nothingness
I step in and become it
Slowly burning away

Who am I?

Why am I here?

Where will I go?

What else is there to know?

Baz Luhrmann - Everybody Needs (Sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 99...

Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experienceI will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years youll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.Youre not as fat as you imagine.

Dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Dont be reckless with other peoples hearts, dont put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Dont waste your time on jealousy; sometimes youre ahead, sometimes youre behindthe race is long, and in the end, its only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Dont feel guilty if you dont know what you want to do with your lifethe most interesting people I know didnt know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds know still dont.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, youll miss them when theyre gone.

Maybe youll marry, maybe you wont, maybe youll have children, maybe you wont, maybe youll divorce at 40, maybe youll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversarywhat ever you do, dont congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either your choices are half chance, so are everybody elses. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can dont be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, its the greatest instrument youll ever own..

Dance even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you dont follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when theyll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do youll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Dont expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Dont mess too much with your hair, or by the time its 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen...

Moment of Freedom - Too expensive to be had!

Its just so hard to change old habits. My mind used me yet again in a way I don't appreciate. I know its complicated to say this since this judgement is made in the head too. But I think what makes us human is that we can look at what we do and make sense/ nonsense out of it. I haven't felt real anger in a long time. The kind of anger that blind sights you and you only come to your senses when your mind has finished what it had set out to accomplish together with that part of your ego that does nothing but restrict growth and warmth. I felt that anger yesterday. And before I knew it, My plate of food had flown across the length of a room and was lying wasted in the sink. The food didn't quite make it. It took three seconds to realise what I had just done. So ashamed of myself at expressing that rage in a moment of pure madness. Knowing that I had let go of myself when I didn't want to but ended up being a slave to my own rage. I hate that. I hate that. I hate that part of me that does this to me.

There were two reasons for all this: The reason for the rage was that I realised that I had felt sorry for myself for doing some thing which I (apparently) find joy in doing. This beats the goal of doing what I like or liking what I do. Worse, my loathing for people who want to be felt sorry for, turned towards myself. And I felt the full heat of my own anger. Of realising that there still are parts of me that are exactly the same despite all the effort. They say when you are surprised at an outcome, check your premises. One of them might be wrong. I realise that maybe the effort was not enough and not in all directions.

The second reason for being upset is my moment where I gave into rage. A moment completely opposite of self control. In that moment I have to admit is total freedom (strange that I use this word). But I recall that in that one moment my goddamn mind said - now you will not be responsible for what you say or do. My ego said - go ahead! satisfy me! And boy .. did I give my ego that boost! Result, food prepared with time, effort and temporary joy, landed in the sink.

I had felt such rage almost six years back and had promised myself that I won't lose myself like this again. I didn't keep that promise.

Little things

A lot of insignificant events make up the larger picture. To quote a few:

1. Meeting this tall slender dashing man in the lift while going to work. I notice he drives a maroonish red car. I don't like the color.

2. Being unsuccessful at avoiding conversation in gym during workout with flabby instructor who forces me to remove my mp3 player ear plugs to listen to his useless banter.

3. Miss mom coz i know she is busy with other people.

4. writing emails to people who don't reply.

5. calling up someone who is rude on the phone but i knew that beforehand and still called.

6. Calling up H when she is in Hyderabad and is busy but risks missing lunch just to talk to me. Bless her!

7. Counting on D to return my dough.

8. Vipassana............i have been thinking about it a lot.

9. NR Narayana Murthy and his style of leadership.

10. J said to me: So and so business mag has a list of most powerful Indian women ...... the youngest is only 37. So .... when will i see u there.......... and i am thinking ....... do i even want to be there? maybe not.

11. whats my willingness to take risks right now. Time seems to be running out......

12. thoughts of coffee and conversation

13. Anger.... and what it does to me. and is still doing to me.

14. being at ease with the pace.

15. a desire to get out of the comfort zones and experience the unknown.

16. trust people......

STAY ...

Stay.....Stay

Stay still

Stay quiet

Stay alive

This moment is mine

And I am this moment

The one that just passed was given up

Theres one more that waits outside the door

Waiting to be adopted

The silence and the stillness

Like a fog in a forest morning

Some thoughts stay with me

Some with that moment by the door

I lay awake........pondering

Splitting up and staying together

All with one string

Over and over and over ....

Happy ----- & Single!!!!!! Unbelievable

I was today for a while in the company of two successful, intelligent & single women. One of them - "A" - is an old friend (much cherished) and the other - "D" - I had met for the first time.

Somehow the conversation steered towards men, relationships, marriage, etc ..etc. They both have known each other for a while. They party together as often as they can. They both are older than I am. A is a beautiful person and is in a new relationship and she has moved into this relationship right after walking out of the last one. There was probably a one month gap. D on the other hand I believe is single and - ready to mingle.

They both are looking forward to settling down. They want to. D said its not cool any more to party and realise that most people her age are married and out of the party circuit. A seconds that opinion. They don't want to come home to an empty house. They want to have someone to share the end of the day with. They want to be taken care of. They want to watch a movie with someone special, candle light dinners, et al. They know that if they get there they will be happy.

I will be their age soon. Will I be thinking the same thoughts. Probably not!

I am happily single. I asked myself why don't I have the same desires. Why don't I look forward to getting into a relationship? There are too many reasons. My life is full. In most ways. S has also asked me the same thing. She said - S... why don't u find someone. And I went blank!!!!

Most of the things that give me happiness are already there with me and most often, I am the only one giving me that. Self dependent! that's what i am. But that's not with a very comfortable reason. I don't take the risk of someone else making me happy. Family and friends are enough.

A said that- u never seem desolate or lonely or sad with the absence of a man in your life.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

I will marry... when I meet someone who I want to be with and not need to be with...